I suppose almost everyone goes through the grieving process at some point in their lives. In fact, I assume most people go through it several times in their lives, but what happens if you feel like you got stuck in one of the steps for far too long. Does that mean that you'll never move past that step or does it mean that you're just stuck in an incredibly long painful process? Just to remind everyone about the 5 stages of grief:
1. Denial: The "no, this can't be happening to me" phase.
2. Anger: The "Why me? It's not fair" stage.
3. Bargaining: The "I will give anything to have this person back" step.
4. Depression: The "I'm so sad because I miss them" stage.
5. Acceptance: The "It's going to be okay" phase.
According to Psych Central, the grieving process does not always go in this specific order, but it is a good baseline to go by.
Therefore, I ask you: what do you do when you feel like you've been stuck in one phase for way too long? Is there anything that can be done to get yourself unstuck? I have several instances of this exact phenomenon. There are three particular events for which I am perpetually stuck in the "Anger" phase: the 2000 Presidential election (really angry at the Supreme Court), the 2001 World Series (how could Mariano Rivera blow the final game?), and the 2004 ALCS playoffs (seriously, Yankees! Up 3 games to none and can't close it out!). Okay, okay, those examples are probably not the most serious, nor are they the ones that ruin my sleep and cause me to cry far too much.
There is one past relationship that I feel like I've been stuck in the "Depression" phase for approximately 3 years now. I went through the denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance phases at various times, but I can't really seem to get out of the sadness phase when it comes to this specific relationship. I'm not saying that I'm in a deep depression, I'm not. I'm just generally sad whenever this person pops into my brain, which is far more often that I care to admit. At one point in my life, this person was extremely important and even though it's been years since we've had any sort of friendship, I still cannot get past the breakdown and loss of the relationship. I sincerely feel like I will never be able to move past this particular relationship and the sadness will hang around my neck like a dead albatross.
Therefore, I'm wondering if anyone else has this problem. Do you have relationships or events that just stick in your craw for far too long and takes up so much energy and time in dealing with the grieving process? Or am I just a unique individual? How do you handle the grieving process?
Of course the mention of an albatross makes me think of Monty Python:
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Letting Go of Attachment to the Past by The Dalai Lama
Know you can’t change the past. Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.
Love instead of fearing. When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear: fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.
Make now count. Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.
Narrate calmly. How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.
Open your mind. We often cling to things, situations or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.
So much wisdom and kindness. Had to send this.
Love the Dalai Lama! Thanks, my friend.
Does it come with wafers? I've had several relationships. That for over 30 years I've constantly have bounced between all 5 stages. It's almost cyclical. I believe one rarely goes through the final stage until those persons have truly departed this earth because inside the hopeless romantic that dwells in each and everyone of us believes that it's not over until it's over. Thank you, Yogi. As wise as the f****** Dali Lama. There's always a chance that our time will come.
Man o man, do I know what you mean about cycling through them all and then circling back to the sadness phase. Unhappy divorce here; so I suppose many who went through tough divorces rather than amiable ones might also know this cycle. But the Dalai Lama is right on, and I thank you Bonnie for re-reminding me, pointing out what I already know yet seem to lose track of at times. The trick really IS to live in the mindful present, and one of the best ways to do this is to actually DO the things one loves to do: write, paint, help others, cook, run marathons, garden...and while doing those things, to be gentle with oneself when we lapse.
Forgiveness ain't a one-step process; I suspect I have to keep re-forgiving my ex every time I re-member those amputated scenes of our "former" life/love/situation. So love IS the essence and the answer.
But it still doesn't mean we "get" what we "want". And that's where I find myself sometimes,Sandy...Even when I do forgive, I still have a notion of what I want to happen in my future. Drat! True Acceptance is hard! What a time I've had with that. But my cancer has helped me let go of everything that is inessential. That's been the gift inside the cloud. I hope you've experienced that too. Love to you, Gretchen
Oh, Gretchen. If only it was about forgiveness. I forgave a long, long time ago. It's mostly about missing this person and wanting them to still be in my life and knowing that it's not going to happen. So I must solider on without, but it still hurts. Oh, well. Nothing much I can do about it except keep on trucking down the road.
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