The "Ring Theory" of Kvetching (Or How to Cure Foot-in-Mouth Disease)!

A friend of mine sent me a link to the most amazing article and I just had to share an overview of what the article contained!  

We've all been down this road: You are in the middle of some crisis: medical, legal, etc. and someone says something that is rude and/or completely insensitive about the crisis you are going through. While most of us recognize that the offender probably doesn't mean anything malicious by their crass and careless comment, it's still hurtful and annoying.

A clinical psychologist, Susan Silk, had this experience after having surgery to remove a cancerous tumor in her breast about 15 years ago. One of her colleagues wanted to visit her in the hospital, and Ms. Silk, not feeling well, explained that she wasn't up to receive visitors. The colleague responded, "This isn't just about you."  "It's not?" Susan wondered. "My breast cancer is not about me? It's about you?"  [Been there!]

The comment stuck with Ms. Silk for years, but it wasn't until her niece, Emily developed Hodgkin's lymphoma, that she gave some serious thought about protecting a person who is facing a crisis from such behavior. Therefore, Ms. Silk develop The 'Ring Theory' of Kvetching and I think it's genius!  What does 'kvetching' mean?  It's a Yiddish word which translates as "to complain persistently and whiningly".

Here's how it works:

Step 1:

Draw a circle and in it put them name of the person at the center of crisis.

Step 2:

Draw a larger circle around the first one.  In that ring, put the name of the person next most affected by the problem.

Step 3:

Repeat the process as many times as you need. In each larger ring, put the people next most affected by the crisis. (Parents, children, and close friends go in the smaller rings; distant relatives, colleagues, and casual friends go in larger ones.)  

When you are finished, you have a Kvetching Order.

Now for the rules - the rules can be summed up with the following: Comfort IN, Dump OUT! Here's how that works:

Rule 1:

Comfort in.  When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help.  Listen.  Tell him/her "This must be really hard for you" or "Can I bring you a pot roast?"

Rule 2:

Dump out.  When you are talking to a person in a ring larger than yours, someone further away from the crisis, you can complain, gripe, and moan all you want. Curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" or "Why me?"  The person in the center of the ring can say whatever they want, whenever they want!

So let's use someone as an example. There's a woman, let's call her Sandi - who happens to be going through chemotherapy for metastatic endometrial cancer.  :-)  Sandi is allowed to kvetch and moan and bitch and cry about her current medical woes to her heart's content. The next circle out might be her brother, who is only allowed to ask Sandi if she needs help and give her support. But the brother can kvetch and moan and bitch and cry to the next person in Sandi's Kvetching Order - perhaps her very close friend who lives in NYC.  And the cycle continues. 

This is a pretty ingenious way for people to get through their crises - whatever they might be: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential.  The nice thing about this theory is that sooner or later, everyone will be in the center circle!