Preparing for Battle - Finally!

After a couple of weeks of idly sitting around on my tukus and feeling impotent on getting healthy, I'm finally able to begin preparing for battle. Like any good soldier, I'm starting preparations days in advance of the start of battle. To which battle am I referring? The battle over endometrial cancer which will be fought through abdominal surgery in the form of a full hysterectomy. My surgery has been scheduled and now I need to get all my preparations in order. Here are the various preparations planned over the next few days: 

I started today with first and foremost, a trip to the store to purchase some cute jammies.  Even though I probably will not get a chance to wear said jammies in hospital, I still plan on having them with me. I would hate -- on the off-chance that I have visitors -- for visitors to see me in those horrible hospital gowns. You know, the ones where your butt is hanging out for all the world to see. Even though I'm supposed to only spend one night there, I felt the purchase of new jammies was a must.

Next up - a trip to the grocery store tomorrow. As I will be unable to drive for 2 weeks after surgery, I'm planning on stocking up on enough provisions to last me until doomsday...oh, wait, this is doomsday. Well, then enough provisions to get me through doomsday and beyond. I especially plan on buying enough chocolate to last me until the next millennium! That's one provision I do not want to run out of.

I follow that with prepping for surgery. I received instructions from my surgeon on the necessary steps for abdominal surgery and believe me, it will not be pleasant. The day before surgery, my diet will consist of a clear liquid diet, plus the taking of a couple of doses of Milk of Magnesia. I must remember to stay close to a bathroom at all times on Monday. Oh, sorry - does that go under TMI?  

Additionally, Beth Israel Deaconess is ultra concerned about staving off any chance of post-operative infection. Therefore, I will need to shower both the night before and the morning of my surgery with a special antiseptic soap called CHG (obviously, there is a long, boring medical term for this soap - bah).  All of these steps are the armor and weaponry of my first foray in the War Against Cancer -- Surgery being the first of many battles which lie ahead.

For anyone wanting to send good vibes my way during my surgery, it is scheduled for next Tuesday, June 4 at 8am.  I certainly would appreciate any and all positive thoughts. 

Let the games begin.

One of the best pre-battle speeches, spoken
by the best Shakespearan actor of all time!

"The Fault in Our Stars" - A Moving Portrayal of Young Love and Cancer

You might ask: "Sandi, why would you read a book about a teenage terminal cancer patient?" Welllllll...I can't really give a good answer to that question.

Two weeks ago, at the insistence of my principal, a colleague of mine came laden with a half a dozen books when I was in hospital. Today, I decided to check out the books and pick one to read. When another colleague and friend saw that I had received The Fault in Our Stars by young adult fiction author John Green, she recommended that I avoid reading the book for the time being due to the subject matter. Today I was in a contrarian mood, so I decided to go against that advice and I am I glad that I did. Otherwise, I might have missed out on reading such a wonderful novel.

Synopsis:  "Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel’s story is about to be completely rewritten.

Insightful, bold, irreverent, and raw, The Fault in Our Stars is award-winning-author John Green’s most ambitious and heartbreaking work yet, brilliantly exploring the funny, thrilling, and tragic business of being alive and in love." (Amazon.com)

Review: I have to admit, even though I'd heard this book was really good, the thought of a young adult novel about teenagers with cancer didn't really appeal to me - go figure. Initially, I was somewhat taken aback by this novel - everyone talks in a razor-sharp, ultra witty way that feels straight out of an Aaron Sorkin show and not even remotely how any 16 or 17 year old I know speaks. Due to this snappy dialogue, I feared that it was going to be all style without substance, bouncing along until a requisite tear-jerking conclusion.  I was wrong.

This is a book peopled with a group of characters that you really care about. At its core are the star-crossed lovers, Hazel (with terminal cancer) and Augustus (a cancer survivor). They meet at a cancer support group and become close, despite Hazel's desire to avoid becoming a "grenade" in anybody's life - by which she means someone who will unwittingly cause significant hurt through their passing. They are fantastically loveable characters, who flit between deep conversations about the meaning of life and finding refuge in video games and reality TV shows.

But the book is more than that. It's about coming to terms with the fact that your life will almost certainly never rise above insignificance. Yes, you will matter to your family and friends, but ultimately you probably won't make any life changing impact on the world. It's about the way we shrink from people with terminal disease only to laud them when they pass. It's about the impact that terminal diseases have on the families of those left behind. It's about teenagers growing up and learning to take responsibility for their own lives, defining themselves by who they are not what disease they may have.

Is this novel life changing? Probably not, but it's definitely a moving, entertaining, irreverent, and thought provoking book. Pretty hard combination to pull off. Kudos to John Green.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

"The Great Gatsby" Is ... Well ... Great!

This review is for the novel - not the movie!!  

Today, I was looking through my piles and piles of unread books and saw a little novel peering out among the rest saying "Read me!!"  I looked and it was F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby speaking to me. Here's an English literature major and teacher acknowledging the shameful truth that she has never read The Great Gatsby. <gasp> Yes, it's true. Somehow I have missed reading this novel. I grabbed said novel and read and read and read; finishing it in a mere 4 hours.

Synopsis: "The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s third book, stands as the supreme achievement of his career. This exemplary novel of the Jazz Age has been acclaimed by generations of readers. The story of the fabulously wealthy Jay Gatsby and his love for the beautiful Daisy Buchanan, of lavish parties on Long Island at a time when The New York Times noted 'gin was the national drink and sex the national obsession,' it is an exquisitely crafted tale of America in the 1920s. The Great Gatsby is one of the great classics of twentieth-century literature." (Amazon.com)

Review:  "First published by Scribner's in April 1925, The Great Gatsby received mixed reviews and sold poorly; in its first year, the book only sold 20,000 copies. Fitzgerald died in 1940, believing himself to be a failure and his work forgotten." (Wikipedia) And yet this novel is now considered one of the greatest novels ever written.

The Great Gatsby is a story of the 'lost generation' – those who came of age in time to fight in WWI and, if they were lucky, returned home to find that everything had changed – especially themselves. This generation was no longer content to stay in the small towns and cities that their families had lived in for generations. The young men did not want to enter into the family business and settle down with a suitable young woman from nearby. The young women were not content to stay in their parents' house and wait – they wanted to be out in the world and doing 'something'.

The story is told, not through the eyes of Gatsby but through those of Nick Carraway, a young man from the Midwest who has settled in New York to learn the bond game. By chance, he has rented a house on Long Island for the summer, a small cottage stuck among much grander mansions and across an inlet from his second cousin, Daisy Buchanan and her husband Tom, who Nick had known slightly in college. Nick's neighbor, the mysterious Jay Gatsby had been one of Daisy's many suitors before she had settled down with Tom. Nick soon finds himself swept into the glittering, glamorous world of Gatsby and Daisy and Tom. He is made an unwilling witness to Tom's infidelity, the illicit romance of Gatsby and Daisy, and finally to the tragic results of it all. Nick acts as the moral compass for a bevy of shallow characters amid the glittering Jazz Age.

Filled with some of the best prose ever written and rife with symbolism, The Great Gatsby is a very American story, one that depicts the American restlessness, the desire to be more, better, different from all that has come before. This is one novel that everyone really should read at least once (preferably a couple times) in their lives. It is quite possibly the most perfect novel that this country has ever produced.

Rating: 5 out 5 stars

As for the movie, I don't plan on wasting my time or money seeing it because I have a feeling that Baz Luhrmann's adaptation will be heavy handed and over the top.  Not being a Luhrmann fan, I'm willing to pass on seeing the movie. 

I Am Not Heroic!

For the two past weeks, I've gotten nothing but the most positive support from friends, family, and colleagues - including my favorite Starbucks baristas. Most people have given me props for being brave in the face of adversity, but before anyone calls up the Vatican to discuss canonization, know that I am not brave. I'm not doing anything that millions of other cancer patients before me have done (my 5-year ago self included). We do what we need to do to get through this feculence. As I mentioned in my Emotional Roller Coaster post, cancer takes the sufferer on a wild and wide range of emotions.  

Even though I'm doing everything I can to remain positive, I still have those moments of weakness of which I'm not terribly proud, but they do happen - like wondering who will take care of Lotta, the wonder cat, if the treatment doesn't work. Another example: the other day I made a list of all the things that I had wanted to do in this lifetime, but never did (i.e., have a "reduce my single friends to jealousy" romance/relationship, marry said romantic partner, own a golden retriever, live in England, and, well, pretty much everything else on my bucket list).  I suppose some of these aspirations might still be attainable to varying degrees and yet, in that bleak moment, I thought, "they are out of my reach forever" - given that there is a mere 20% chance that I will be among the living in 5 years. 

So yes, I am trying to stay positive and focused on healing and surviving, but please do not think that I am courageous by any means. I have other bleak moments where I wonder if it's even worth bucking the odds by going through with treatment. That's the reality of being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer - the mammoth doubts. Five years ago with a Stage 1 diagnosis, the odds were much more in my favor, so treatment was a no brainer. But this time around, well... as I said before; hope for the best, expect the worse. 

Please do not mistake me for anything but a fallible, occasionally terrified, sometimes angry, albeit generally positive person who is trying to battle an insidious and invisible demon. There are no S's on my chest or capes on my back! Oh, and one more thing: I know that I am completely and utterly irreverent which is my coping mechanism. For those of you who might find it offensive, get over it.  :-)

"The Inn at Lake Devine" is Quite Charming

Time to take a break from posting about cancer.

Lots of couch time, leads to lots of reading. One of my colleagues had given me a copy of this month's Real Simple because there was an article entitled "50 Great Books That Will Change Your Life" which asked "renowned authors from every genre in the bookstore to name the title that moved them most". She thought the article would intrigue me and she was correct. I started browsing through the suggested titles and came across one entitled: The Inn at Lake Devine (1999) by Elinor Lipman and found the synopsis to be intriguing.

Synopsis: "It's 1962 and all across America barriers are collapsing. But when Natalie Marx's mother inquires about summer accommodations in Vermont, she gets the following reply: 'The Inn at Lake Devine is a family-owned resort, which has been in continuous operation since 1922. Our guests who feel most comfortable here, and return year after year, are Gentiles.' For twelve-year-old Natalie, who has a stubborn sense of justice, the words are not a rebuff but an infuriating, irresistible challenge.

In this beguiling novel, Elinor Lipman charts her heroine's fixation with a small bastion of genteel anti-Semitism, a fixation that will have wildly unexpected consequences on her romantic life. As Natalie tries to enter the world that has excluded her – and succeeds through the sheerest of accidents – The Inn at Lake Devine becomes a delightful and provocative romantic comedy full of sparkling social mischief." (Amazon.com)

Review: The heroine of the story, Natalie, is a 24-year old cooking student who is scarred by an incident from her childhood in which a resort – the titular inn – refused to allow her family to stay there one summer because they were Jewish.  The premise seems heavy, but the execution is not. While the novel does concern the heroine's need to go back to the inn (where she once stayed with a childhood friend and her family), this is not a serious treatment of anti-Semitism or interfaith relationships.

What it is and what it does well is detail the fumblings and failures of several families – Natalie's, her childhood friend Robin's, and the Berrys, who own the inn. The end result is a Jane Austen-lite comedy of manners: funny but without Austen's biting wit or satire.

This novel comes under the "chick lit" genre of fiction, but all in all it was a fun, enjoyable read.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

The Surgical Consult - Just When You Think It Can't Get Worse...

...it does! Today, I drove myself to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston to have a consult with my gynecological oncologist. What I thought was going to be chat about scheduling surgery and then post-op care, turned drastically different in a heartbeat. Turns out that my cancer is worse than originally anticipated and unfortunately, my fantastic surgeon, who was incredibly lovely and supportive (exactly what you want in a surgeon), had to be the bearer of truly shitty news!

The sad news is that the CT scan shows that the cancer has spread outside the uterus and is now also located in my lungs. Shit! What does this mean for treatment?  It means that while I still have to have surgery, it also means that I need to have chemotherapy to try and kill the cancer that has spread to my lungs. It also means that I do not have Stage 3 cancer, but I have Stage 4. FFFFFFFFFFFFF*************K!  Yeah, okay, I have been dealt a really shitty hand in this life. I'm thinking that in a past life, I killed Gandhi and am being severely punished for it. Okay, maybe not Gandhi but I did something really awful in a past life. It also means that Kris Carr can go eff herself!

So what are the next steps? Keep my chin and spirits up, have my surgery, start chemo, hope for the best, expect the worse, and prepare myself for going back to the classroom come fall.  Unfortunately, being the realist that I am, I did ask my doctor what the worse case scenario is for this illness. Let's just say you wouldn't plunk any money down in Vegas with these odds he passed along about the 5 year survival rate; or if you did, you'd lose your shirt and your pants. Granted, I'm not going out and picking out a headstone, but I also might not need my retirement plan. Keep checking back for further updates.

***

On a different note, yesterday, I decided to spend the day at school, meeting with each of my classes for about 5 minutes to give them the complete story as I knew it because they had heard all sorts of rumors about my health.  It was a long, physically and mentally exhausting day, but ultimately it was beneficial - for all of us.  I got to see my lovely cherubs and they got some closure.  Although they do not know the entire extent of my illness because I didn't know it myself until today.  I'm glad.  They don't need to know it.

I miss my munchkins. Below is just one of the many lovely, loving messages that my kiddos have sent.

"Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips" and "Survivor" Annoys

[Note: I promise! Not every post will be cancer related! But you'll have to excuse me for being slightly obsessed right now!]

A friend of mine suggested that I read a book that she and her mom are reading – Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor (2008) by Kris Carr.  Being the book nerd that I am, I immediately went to my local library to pick up the book. I also borrowed Ms. Carr's first book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips (2007). Having gone through cancer treatment once, I wasn't sure that I would find either book particularly helpful this time around, but I was willing to give them a read.

Synopses:  "Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips gathers the lessons learned and advice offered from Carr’s own journey, as well as the experiences of her cancer posse. Full-color photos accompany personal stories and candid revelations in this scrapbook of advice, warnings, and resources for the cancer patient. Chapters cover your changing social life, dating, sex, and appearance; essential health tips on how to boost your immune system; recipes; medical and holistic resources; and information on young survivor support groups. The resulting book is a warm, yet informative tool for any woman newly diagnosed with the disease and for those who love them." (Amazon.com)

"Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor is the companion book to the bestselling Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips (featured on Oprah), which pairs even more of cancer cowgirl Kris Carr's smart, soulful, real advice with space for the reader to "chat back" and record her own experiences and reflections." (Amazon.com)

Review: Generally, my review will be based on Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips because I only skimmed through the other book. My first complaint about Ms. Carr and her books is that she has never actually gone through any cancer treatment, yet dispenses advice on how to successfully get through cancer treatment. Erm, huh?? Yes, Ms. Carr was diagnosed with cancer - a very rare, incurable, but extremely slow moving and non aggressive cancer for which Ms. Carr was advised by doctors to take the "wait and see" approach. As someone who is living untreated with a stable disease, Ms. Carr's life isn't full of surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, hair loss, pain meds, and hospital stays. She's lucky enough to be able to take meditative vacations and do daily yoga, but those cancer patients with nausea and neuropathy can't say the same, and it makes for frustrating "advice".  She also appears to have a unlimited amount of money to do all these fabulous suggestions; like taking a "cancercation" with her "Cancer Babes" (as she calls her little group of cancer survivors) or expensive shopping trips to Whole Foods, etc. Many of us have limited funds and cannot afford to spend money recklessly. I am just trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for the extra medical expenses.

As for her diet suggestions: her advice strikes me as too extreme and alarmist. To a certain degree, her advice is solid (more veggies, less processed junk), but I can only roll my eyes when someone declares that humans "aren't meant" to eat cooked food. Or that it's unnatural to drink cow's milk. Or that eating meat is evolutionarily wrong for us. Meh! There are healthy and unhealthy ways to do all those things. Furthermore, this advice is another example of how different her experience is from those patients undergoing treatment. Chemo and radiation patients have specific dietary needs that are not met by her advice. Immunodeficient patients are advised against eating raw food outside the home to avoid infection. Chemo and radiation patients are advised to eat a high-protein diet, and, when factoring in other side effects like mucositis or changes in taste, dairy and meat products are a natural choice. I don't think I could have survived chemotherapy without milkshakes and ice cream.

Additionally, too much of the book comes across as a egoistic and shallow. Each woman featured in this book talks about her height and weight, and Kris Carr makes numerous references to her own weight and desire to weigh less. It seems the opposite of "empowering", and perhaps a bit disingenuous, for a woman who looks (at least in her photos) radiantly healthy, beautiful, stylish, and very thin to keep making references to desire for weighing less. I wanted to just tell her to "eff off". Never mind the fact that Ms. Carr and her "posse" all have amazing heroic boyfriends or husbands who are there for them and make them feel better.  Whatever! Where's the cancer reality in that?

When I first read/skimmed the books, I felt sort of indifferent to them, but the more I thought about them, the more they annoyed me. Why should I take advice on feeling good from a cancer survivor who has never had an iota of treatment? The author has pissed a lot of people off, including those formerly in her circle, since she became a "cancerlebrity". Take this book and its message with a grain of salt. I am concerned for the legions of ill people who may be taking this girl's books to heart. Appearing on Oprah and jumping on a trampoline does not an expert make.

I'm just glad that I didn't spend money on these books. Here's another interesting blog post on Ms. Carr, which was written by an MD.

Rating:  1 out of 5 stars

Coping With the Emotional Roller Coaster Ride of Cancer

Anyone who has ever been diagnosed with cancer can attest to the fact that it is a wild emotional ride! From the highs of being around some of the funniest, most dedicated medical professionals and feeling good about doing positive things in your life to the lowest of lows - dealing with a-holes, money issues, stresses and sadness over the entirety of the disease.  

For anyone who has never experienced this wacky ride, be grateful. But if you ever find yourself in this situation, just remember - it's not all sadness and terror. There are moments of true joy that can be found in battling this blinkered disease.

Most days, emotionally, I'm doing okay, other than being severely bored because I'm currently spending the bulk of my day sitting on the couch.  But then the smallest thing can set me off to crying - sad movies, cute pictures of puppies, Hallmark commercials, etc. But the biggest issue that will set me to crying is the thought of having to go through yet another major medical issue all alone. This new bout with cancer is the third major medical issue that I've had to deal with in the past 5-ish years - each event (for the most part) all alone. Yeah, okay, I'm not perfect. I occasionally take a big seat on the pity pot! Am I looking for sympathy?  No!  Absolutely not! So why do I bring this up? To give some advice:

If you are someone who is fortunate enough to have a significant other in your life who will love and support you no matter what, treasure it! Because when life hands you a big steaming pile of crap, having someone there to support and love you makes it 10 times easier. Don't get me wrong: I have some of the best friends and family members ever, who love and support me, but ultimately, at the end of the day, I have to deal with these issues alone. When I'm laughing at something in a book or on television, I have no one to share it with. When I want or need someone to hold me at 2:00am and tell me everything will be alright, the only thing I have to turn to is a cat.  I love my cat and she is a beautiful, loving but ultimately useless companion. When I want a cup of tea because I don't feel well, she ignores my requests.  Such a little bitch. :-)

As I said, I have the most amazing friends and family, but they have their own lives and issues to deal with and I will not be an additional burden for them. I don't expect them to be at my beck and call nor do I want that. So my advice to you, my lovely friends and readers, is cherish the man or woman in your life.  You are lucky, lucky people.  I order you to go right now and give a hug and kiss to your loved one! And thank your lucky stars that you live a blessed (albeit not perfect) life!

Last piece of advice:

The Return of the Big "C"!

Subtitle: The Anemic Teacher Gets Schooled

Some people might question why I'm probably going to be writing about some highly personal medical issues over the next couple of months or so, but I feel that if through my experiences I can help someone going through similar issues, then I will have fulfilled my job as a caring human being.

One of the first blogs I ever wrote - back in 2008 - The Big "C"!! - was all about my experience with having and being treated for breast cancer.  Then last week I wrote about being severely anemic and how proud I was that I still kept to my schedule to show my students that I was committed to my job and their education.  Okay, here's where I got schooled!  Never let these types of medical issues go untreated!  Dumb, dumb, dumb!!

Due to some severe blood loss over the past few weeks, I knew that I was dealing with being anemic, but it wasn't until Monday I found out how bad it was.  Monday morning, I went to my primary care physician who took one look at my face and said that I was anemic.  He then had some blood drawn and off I went to work.  I got to work and nearly passed out climbing a flight of stairs, but managed to make it through my work day.  I returned home and promptly fell asleep.  Waking up around 11pm, I noticed that I had missed a few calls - all from my PCP who said that I needed to get to the emergency room because my hematocrit levels were 16.9%. Normal hematocrit levels are 40%. Okay, 16.9%! That's bad. So off I go at 11:30pm to my local emergency room with the thought that I'd get a couple of pints of blood and be on my way back home.  Erm.  Yeah, not so fast with those assumptions.  By the way, the best comment I heard when I got to the ER:  "You look like Casper the friendly ghost."  Ha!

I regaled the staff at the hospital with my recent medical issues who promptly called in the gynecologist on call.  After meeting with her, she said that I wasn't going to go home until they figured out what was going on.  She set me up immediately with a few tests - a transvaginal ultrasound and a biopsy of the lining of my uterus - in addition to receiving two pints of blood.  Next thing I know it's 4am and I'm being admitted to the hospital.  Later that morning (around 9am), my hematocrit levels were at 19% and I was given the results of the ultrasound - a fibroid tumor and a couple of lesions on both ovaries.  But no results yet of the biopsy.  I received a third pint of blood to raise my levels (to 22%) and had an MRI for a more thorough look at my lady parts.

Today, the biopsy results came in - endometrial cancer - Stage 3.  FFFFFF**K! Not again!  So 5½ (-ish) years after my last cancer diagnosis, I have to once again face a potentially fatal disease. Really, Lady Luck?? Couldn't you find someone else?? I'm sure there's someone else out there who deserves something like this - isn't there a dictator somewhere who deserves a little misery? Of course, it's highly probable that it's because of the breast cancer treatment (specifically the treatment with tamoxifen) which may have attributed to my current medical condition.  The risk of developing endometrial cancer from tamoxifen is small -- about 1 in 500 -- so I guess we can say that I hit the jackpot.  Why couldn't I just pick the winning lottery numbers??

As I feel the need, I will occasionally write about my current medical issues and experiences.

Next up: Meeting with the surgeon at Beth Israel Hospital in Boston.  (Nope, I cannot have it done in Newburyport!)

Some get well cards from my students!

The All Too "Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao"

Approximately a week or so ago, my English 3 Honors class started a new book, The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. According to a colleague, the novel is one of those books that most of the Lawrence High campus are thrilled to be reading. Although, I have my doubts on whether or not my class will enjoy the book as every one of them apparently hates reading in any form and only want to watch movies. <sigh> But that being said, before I could have my class read the novel, I needed to read it first.  

Synopsis:  "Oscar is a sweet but disastrously overweight ghetto nerd who – from the New Jersey home he shares with his old world mother and rebellious sister – dreams of becoming the Dominican J.R.R. Tolkien and, most of all, finding love. But Oscar may never get what he wants. Blame the fukú – curse that has haunted Oscar’s family for generations, following them on their epic journey from Santo Domingo to the USA. Encapsulating Dominican-American history, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao opens our eyes to an astonishing vision of the contemporary American experience and explores the endless human capacity to persevere – and risk it all – in the name of love."  (Amazon.com)

Review: Winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 2008, Oscar Wao is a riveting, amusing, heartbreaking, and interesting novel. At the most basic level, this novel is the story of the ultra geeky, morbidly obese, socially inappropriate, Dominican-American, Oscar and his attempt to make a difference in his life. But at its heart, it is a modern hero's journey, and is told 'mostly' from the point of view of Oscar's college roommate (Yunior). (Chapter 2 is interestingly told by Oscar's sister (Lola).)

But the story is so much more than that! Through Oscar's story, Diaz reminds us of our inhumanity to our own kind, but also celebrates that inner spirit that shines through despite it all.

More deliciously, this is a subversive novel – politically attuned to our modern world, underscored by the presence of the Dominican dictator, Rafael Trujillo, who amazingly is not even a character in the novel, but has a momentous impact on the life of our hero and his family. What Diaz tells us about the psychopathic Trujillo and his influence on his country through Oscar and his family, somehow serves as poignant and powerful reminders about how most of America is made up of immigrants and how many left their countries due to similar atrocities, as well as throwing light onto the dark side of history: genocide, slavery, racism, life in poverty, and torture.

The novel also introduces the idea of 'fukú' – which is a kind of Dominican curse (the "evil eye"). (These types of curses inhabit so many different cultures: Malocchio in Italy, Maka Pilau in Hawaii, Nazar in Turkey, Mal de Ojo in Spain, etc.) Most of us would agree that it is human nature to be in denial about our trials and tribulations and to place blame on other factors when things go horribly wrong. (My grandmother insisted that two of her babies died because of the malocchio!) The author very successfully ties together the concept of 'fukú' with Trujillo and his brutality, but that's not the actual message.

Instead, it's more about how important it is to face with clarity and awareness our past, especially the misfortunes and how those misfortunes affect us, else we and our children are driven to repeat the past. In the novel, it is Oscar who carries the bulk of the weight of the family's past, literally and figuratively, and though he is not aware of it consciously, he, therefore, is driven almost with a sense of joy to repeat the past mistakes. I assume that you can made a prediction of what happens to Oscar based on the title of the novel.

Diaz is letting us know that without societal long-term memory, we are destined to repeat the past. That is why books like this one and Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl, movies like Schinder's List, and  organizations like the USC Shoah Foundation are so important for everyone's future. "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it" (Rafiki in The Lion King).

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Even more interesting is the biography of Junot Diaz. I highly recommend reading up on this amazing author's life. Due to work responsibilities, I missed this year's Newburyport Literary Festival and am severely disappointed over that fact because Mr. Diaz was there. I would have liked to have heard him speak.

Word Power!

I suppose it won't come as a shock when I say that I love the written word!  It doesn't matter if it's a story, poem, lyrics, bathroom walls, etc., I'll be reading it. Consequently, I am often trolling around the internet looking for inspirational words and today I came across two poems that moved me deeply and hit a little close to home.  I hope you find them as moving as I did.  Enjoy!

Imprisoned Heart

It was her heart
he captivated and stole...
indelible memories,
carved into her soul.

Forever imprisoned
by his spell...
unexplainable devotion,
her own little hell.

Mesmerized in a trance
which she had no control...
A heart left broken..
no one could console.

Listening to voices
inside her head..
days gone by,
barely hanging by a thread.

Although her heart imprisoned
with no desire to escape..
She'd become defenseless
and accepted her fate.

    - Misty Blues

___________________

Just I Love You GAB

It must have been your sweetness
that melted my heart
Or your gentle smile
could be the start.
Whatever the reason for me
to feel this way
One thing I know,
this strange feeling
grows stronger everyday

All this time I’ve been praying
For you to see and look at me as a lady
Every now and then I woke up dreaming
That I can be your girl,
not just a friend

Then reality broke me into pieces
It wounded me badly
as it came to my senses,
That you belong to someone else
And I’m left alone with all this heartache.

A few might have a clue
But nobody knows the pain I’ve been through
They can’t guess the sleepless nights
Nor count the tears I’ve cried.

My friends see me smiling and laughing
Yet deep inside there’s no place for denying.
I know a have to surrender and let go
At least to cease and ease the misery

Still I’d be happy,
because happiness means seeing you being one.
And let me say this for once,
I Love you…!
But I love you more, so Goodbye……

    - Park Minn Yung Lee

Are Car Alarms Necessary?

Last night as I was laying in bed attempting to get some much needed sleep, someone's car alarm was annoyingly going off for an hour and a half.  Okay, it was probably closer to 5 or 10 minutes but it felt like an hour and a half.  All I kept thinking was that I wanted to take a baseball bat to the car alarm and then to the owner. Therefore, I ask you: are car alarms really necessary anymore? Does anyone pay any heed to them or think that someone is actually stealing another person's car? And if someone is stealing the car, do we really care?  All we want is for the alarm to stop! 

I submit that these annoying alarms should go the way of the dodo bird.  I remember when I got my 'new' car a couple of months ago, I needed to get it inspected for my insurance company and the garage attendant asked if there was an alarm in the car. My response was "No, why would I need one. No one pays any attention to them."  He laughed and concurred.  Yet, insurance companies say that you can get a better rate if you have a car alarm.  Hmmm, I'd rather have a 800 pound gorilla in my back seat, because that's a better deterrent for a thief. Of course the cost of bananas would be astronomical, not to mention the clean up factor.

Actually the way I see it, if you want my car badly enough, just take it.  You'll get your penalty soon enough.

Career Change: The Anemic Teacher

I wish I had this much energy!

There has been a strange phenomenon going around my school - quite a number of educators have been coming down with anemia. I suppose it's probably not terribly shocking that people who spend most of their time indoors, work long hours and have a hard time maintaining a decent diet might just come down with something. I wonder if anemia is common among educators worldwide or if this is just a weird cowinky-dink in Lawrence? The severe anemia that I currently am experiencing is due to a very specific, fairly serious health issue, but quite a few of my colleagues have had the same complaint over the past few months. Very strange.

What is anemia? Well, if you don't know, anemia is a condition that develops when your blood lacks enough healthy red blood cells. What is the worse part of having anemia? The symptoms which are:

• Difficulty concentrating and remembering
• Feeling tired and having less energy most of the time
• Feeling dizzy, lightheaded or possibly having a headache
• Being short of breath, or breathless after very little activity
• Pale skin colour, pale lips and fingernail beds
• Pain in the chest, fluttery feeling from your heart
• Ringing or pounding in the ears
• Very sensitive to cold temperature, feeling cold when others do not
• Sore mouth or tongue
• Poor appetite
• Less interest in social pleasure
• Feeling down, or irritable

(London Health Sciences Centre) 

Unfortunately, I'm currently experiencing all of these symptoms. Ever try teaching 90+ students when you feel like death warmed over and can barely keep a clear thought in your head? It's not easy. But I do feel some pride that despite feeling like crapola, I still have perfect attendance for the year. Why am I still going to school every day when I'm so ill?  Several reasons: one, my students are already severely behind schedule; two, it's my ridiculous work ethic that will only allow me to call in sick when I've got a severed limb and finally, to give my students a lesson on the importance of being committed to something.  I'm not certain that they are learning that last lesson, but you cannot knock me for trying. 

I will say that being anemic sucks. Just walking 2 blocks into town and back wears me out to the point that I need a nap. Oh, well this too shall pass. I guess it gives me a good excuse to eat plenty of red meat.

"Forgiving and Not Forgiving" - A Powerful Theory!

What if you could ignore the whole Judeo-Christian belief of "forgiveness"? That's the basic premise of a book that I just finished reading! Yes, I happened to meander through the self-help section of the library (again) and, unlike the last trip through this section of the library, I was hoping this trip would be a more fruitful one. As I was passing through, I saw the title of a book - Forgiving and Not Forgiving: Why Sometimes It's Better Not to Forgive by Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. As with the last self help book, the title intrigued me enough to read the book jacket and then bring it home for further perusal.

Synopsis: "In our culture the belief that 'To err is human, to forgive divine,' is so prevalent that few of us question its wisdom. But do we ever completely forgive those who have betrayed us? Aren't some actions unforgivable? Can we achieve closure and healing without forgiving? Drawing on more than two decades of work as a practicing psychotherapist, more than fifty in-depth interviews, and sterling research into the concept of forgiveness in our society, Dr. Jeanne Safer challenges popular opinion with her own searching answers to these and other questions. The result is a penetrating look at what is often a lonely, and perhaps unnecessary, struggle to forgive those who have hurt us the most and an illuminating examination of how to determine whether forgiveness is, indeed, the best path to take--and why, often, it is not."  (Amazon.com)

Review: This book has helped me more than anything else as I struggle with whether or not I can truly forgive a handful of people from my past who have repeatedly lied, betrayed, hurt, and deceived me under the guise of "friendship". At a time when clergy, therapists, and the lay community are urging forgiveness as a panacea for every troubled relationship, Safer counsels caution. Not forgiving can be just as moral and healing in some situations as forgiving can be in others, she says.

Safer is certainly not against genuine forgiveness, nor does she approve of vengefulness - I am in complete agreement on these points. Her concern is that people are rushed into a dishonest façade of forgiveness when they do not truly feel it. True forgiveness, she believes, takes time and is only partially under your conscious control. She also believes that not forgiving, when an action genuinely offends your moral sense, and the perpetrator has shown no remorse nor made any effort to change, is an honest and correct choice. This last point is the one that I am mightily struggling with. Why am I trying to forgive people who have never expressed any remorse over their vile actions?

What is most important, says Safer, is a serious attempt to engage with your feelings about the relationship in question and to consider the ways in which each person has contributed to it. She provides a myriad of examples on this point for the reader's benefit. Only such honesty can lead to a healthy outcome, but what a healthy outcome is differs for each person and situation. She also stresses that forgiveness and non-forgiveness are not opposites; they are points along a continuum, and there are many points in between. Each individual must decide what is right for him or her, and any counselor who urges a particular and predetermined result does the patient a disservice.

My biggest problem is that I no longer have these 4 or 5 people in my life so I will never be able to engage in discussions over their perfidy and my feelings about their actions, therefore it appears that I will never find true forgiveness or closure. But after reading Safer's book, I can go about my life happily - knowing that not forgiving is completely acceptable. To those 4 or 5 people for whom forgiveness is not an option, I say the following: "I do not and cannot forgive your past misdeeds, nor will I spend the remainder of my days wishing that I had it in me to forgive." I'm confident that these former friends will never see this message because I have ceased to exist in their minds/worlds, but I feel better knowing that I can move on with my life and not feel guilty that I cannot, nor do I have to, forgive them.

I recommend this book (which is clearly and interestingly written) to anyone who is struggling with forgiveness, or simply fascinated by it. 

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Music Doesn't Lie - Part 20 (My Junk)

"Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world,
then it can only happen through music." – Jimi Hendrix

One of the last musicals I saw on Broadway before leaving New York City was the rock musical, Spring Awakening. (The last being The Addams Family, which was a rather unremarkable show - other than starring the genius that is Nathan Lane.) On the other hand, Spring Awakening is probably one of the best musicals I have been fortunate to see. I was so affected by the show that I went back a week later to see the production again and it was just as impressive the second time around. In fact, I think it was even more spectacular upon a subsequent viewing. When I saw it, the show starred Hunter Parrish who was surprisingly outstanding in the lead role of Melchoir.

Synopsis: Nominated for 11 Tony Awards and winner of 8, including Best Musical, Spring Awakening is based on the 1891 Frank Wedekind's play of the same name (which was banned in Germany due to its frank portrayal of teenage sexuality, abortion, homosexuality, rape, incest and suicide) and "depicts a dozen young people making their way through the thrilling, complicated and mysterious time of sexual awakening".  (Playbill.com)

Today, I was listening to the soundtrack which was a wonderful trip down memory lane of some of the better times I had in New York City. In addition to being a happy memory, the soundtrack is filled with the most amazing music. I had a hard time narrowing down my favorite song; there being so many fantastic songs on this album - songs like "Totally F***ed", "The Bitch of Living", "All That's Known", "And Then There Were None", and ... hmmm... well, I could just sit here and list all 20 songs, but that would be a waste of time.  Just check out the entire soundtrack - someone kindly posted all tracks on YouTube. It'll be well worth your listening time.

The one I've decided to feature here is "My Junk", which is all about how we all have our addictions/hangups/obsessions (our junk), which is what I love most about the music from Spring Awakening - how relatable the lyrics are. It's true, isn't it? We all have something that is our "junk". In the case of the girls during this song, it all about loving someone from afar. The boys sing about something far more base: lust. Yeah, a little stereotyping there, but pretty accurate. I'm adding this song to my catharsis playlist. Lyrics can be found here. Enjoy!

If you ever get an opportunity to see this musical, take the chance.