Chemo Treatment #5 - Horrendous!

I believe I've mentioned a few times how much I hate chemotherapy and only because I'd have several people angry with me if I don't finish the treatment, I'd call it quits.  After treatment #4, I had the most severe side effects...that is until today. Three weeks ago, by Saturday morning I was sick as a dog. The neuropathy has gotten 10 times worse and doesn't seem to be going away (and may never go away).  The joint pain is just as ghastly, and let's not even talk about the nausea which caused me to lose 7 pounds in 5 days. I do not recommend chemotherapy as a weight loss regimen.  

Today started pretty bad and just got worse. The oncologist who is filling in for my regular doctor decided to give me a brief lecture about needing to lose weight. I came close to punching him in the face, but decided to take the high road and not turn into my students. I basically ignored his pointless and ill-timed advice. Next I spent again 6 hours having toxins invading my body, but the worse part is that half way through treatment the nausea was already hitting me. That does not bode well for how I will be feeling over the next couple of days. This turn of events sucks the weenie because I have so much work to do between lesson planning and grading approximately 40+ essays. (I should have received 88 essays from my students, but...)

All I kept thinking today was that I want someone to come take me away from all of this misery. If I had my choice, I'd like it to be the Tenth Doctor. If he could come in his TARDIS and take me somewhere amazing - I don't really care where or when (although Regency era England would be nice - I'd like to meet Jane Austen), just so that I don't have to deal with this crap anymore. But as The Doctor is just a wonderful fictional television character, I suppose that's not happening. I just have to hope that I can get through the next week with as little pain, nausea, and fatigue as possible. I don't have high hopes, but perhaps I'll be pleasantly surprised.  

A big thank you to my friend, Bonnie, who came by to bring me love, cookies, and flowers. She just knew that I needed a little TLC.  I'm glad that I have such amazing friends!

The view from the window of
the oncology ward.
Very pretty sky today!

Are There Dream Jobs?

This week has been a particularly heinous and frustrating work week and it got me thinking: 

                 Are there really any dream jobs out there??

I have a list of jobs that I think would be perfectly dreamy, but I suspect that there are no dream jobs - ultimately we all have to work with other people which often makes jobs not be a joy.  Back when all I wanted was a successful career as a stage performer, I had to deal with raging egos from other actors, crazy directors, and a whole host of other annoying issues. So while I loved being a performer and miss it, it wasn’t always a dream job.

Now I’m teaching – something that I love and am pretty good at doing, but I have to deal with students who don’t know how to be students, crazy and incompetent colleagues, and a whole host of other annoying issues. Therefore, much as I love it, it's not quite a dream job.

One of my dream jobs would be laying on my couch reading novels for a living.  But I'm not certain that's actually a job. I could perhaps find a job reading manuscripts but to do that, I’d have to work in publishing and then I’d be reading an assortment of the good, the bad and the ugly manuscripts, plus I’d be dealing with the corporate world which is something I never want to do ever again in my life. Corporate America and I do not see eye to eye on…well… anything!

I used to think I'd like to own a small independent bookstore, but reading books apparently is going the way of the dodo bird, if my students are to be believed. I'd probably be out of business in no time. 

So is there really a dream job or is that just a myth – like the Yeti, the Loch Ness Monster, and unicorns??  Is there anyone out there who actually has found their dream job and is it always a dream… or is it occasionally a nightmare??

Calling All Downton Abbey Fans...Again!

It was a brief year ago today that I wrote my last Downton Abbey review regarding the first episode of Season 3. Tonight, thanks to the largesse of my brother and a little internet magic, I was able to watch the first episode of Season 4. After last year's season finale ending with the death of Matthew Crawley (one of my favorite characters), I was hesitant that the new season might 'jump the shark', but I was wrong. If the first episode is indicative of the rest of the season, Downton Abbey is back and as strong as ever.

The new season begins six months after last season's final episode. Poor Lady Mary is still dealing with the loss of her beloved Matthew, but the rest of the family and the staff are back in action. Yes, I miss the talented and adorable Dan Stevens, but otherwise, this show has not skipped a beat.

It will be a few months before U.S. viewers will be able to watch the new season, but so far it seems like it will be well worth the wait. Hang on, DA fans - it's a mere 3 months away before you, too, can see the new season. 

Ahhh, so sad! Dan Stevens, you are missed!

Tom Brady Annoys Me!

Okay, I know I'm going to get a lot of flack from New England Patriots fans with the above statement, but seriously, he needs a reality check!  

First off, let me say, I'm not a football fan. I could not care less which team wins the Super Bowl and I spend my Sundays doing things that expand my mind and that means not watching a bunch of steroid-filled idiots bashing heads together. But I'll explain why I say that Tom Brady annoys me more than most football players. I was watching the morning news when I heard the following statement from Brady, said with much gravity:

"But I think there is a real urgency to what we do here. This is not tiddlywinks. This is real football. This is a real job."

Oh, c'mon! Seriously, dude - get a life! No, football is not tiddlywinks but it's far from a serious undertaking. You make more money than most people would see in 10 lifetimes and all it is a game! It's entertainment! Try to remember that. You're not curing cancer, you're not saving the world, you're not creating world peace. You're throwing a little ball around a park. And people pay an average of $117 a ticket to watch you do it - nearly $600 per ticket for premium tickets! I can think of 100s of better uses for my money. 

<grrr> Professional sports players irritate me to no end!  I'm going to go read a book.

September 22nd is Hobbit Day. Will You Be Celebrating?

In honor of the mutual birthdays of fictional characters Frodo and Bilbo Baggins, September 22nd is Hobbit Day!! The nerd girl in me loves this idea and I fully plan on finding a way to celebrate Hobbit Day tomorrow, because as I mentioned in a previous post, I would like to be a hobbit. I found a Hobbit Day poster (see below) via The Hobbit page on Facebook and it seems pretty straight forward on how to celebrate.

Hobbit Day is best celebrated outdoors, "with plenty of room for games and dancing. Music is a must!"  I like games and dancing, so it already sounds like a good day. Some of the suggested games are: horseshoe tossing, beanbag throwing, egg and spoon races, etc. I'm not sure there's a way for me to do any of these games, but perhaps I can come up with a games or two of my own. It does not specifically mention what type of music should be played but with nearly 7,000 songs on my iPod Touch, I'm probably covered. Of course, if the weather is not conducive for outdoor activities, an indoor party is just as fun. The suggested indoor games are rhyming games, or making up haiku, poems, limericks, songs, etc. It's also known that hobbits are good at riddles and I very much enjoy word games so that is always an option!

Most importantly, there should be plenty of Hobbit foods!!! Just some of the suggested food and beverages are: mushrooms, wine, beer, hot soup, cold meats, blackberry tarts, ripe cheese, scones, pin wheel sandwiches, tea, and coffee. A very yummy menu, with the lone exception of the mushrooms. Yuck!

Check out the poster for complete instructions on How to Throw a Hobbit Day Party. Sadly, my party will be a party for one, but I can still have tons o' fun. Or perhaps I'll just spend the day reading The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That seems like an acceptable way of celebrating! Of course, I could be lazy and just watch The Hobbit movie instead.

Will you celebrate Hobbit Day?

 

Music Doesn't Lie - Part 24 (Who Will Love Me as I Am?)

"Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world,
then it can only happen through music." – Jimi Hendrix

Back in 1997, a new musical written by Bill Russell (book and lyrics) and Henry Krieger (music) arrived in New York City called Side Show, which was based on the lives of Daisy and Violet Hilton, a circus act of conjoined twins who were famous stage performers in the 1930s. It tells the somewhat authentic story of the twins transformation from side show freaks to vaudeville performers, and the failures of their love lives due to their conjoined status. A friend of mine got tickets for us to see it for free (the show wasn't doing well, so they were giving away tickets). I thought it was a marvelous show and I couldn't quite understand why it did so poorly; running for only 91 performances before closing. 

Today, I was listening to this musical and remembered all the reasons that I loved it 16 years ago - the gorgeous voices, amazing harmonies, moving lyrics, soaring music, fabulous story, etc. Mostly though, it's also how I relate really well to the twins - between their unrequited loves, missed opportunities in love, feeling like they were duped by the people they love, etc. Well, let's just say that it hits pretty close to home.  There's one song that particularly affects me on a personal level every time I hear it - "Who Will Love Me as I Am?" (lyrics).

I suppose we've all asked that question at sometime in our lives. Doesn't everyone feel that all we're looking for in this world is someone who will accept us as we are; despite our crow's feet, cellulite, flabby butts, and all the other imperfections? I know it's all I ever searched for and alas never found. I'm going to get a little preachy right now. For those of you who found that someone who accepts you for all your faults and foibles, cherish them! Remember there are far too many people out there who have not been lucky enough to find that person; or had it (or thought they had it) and then lost it.

Here's a live performance from the Rosie O'Donnell Show of the two amazing performers who originated the roles of Daisy and Violet: Alice Ripley and Emily Skinner singing this poignant song - "Who Will Love Me as I Am?"  (An honorable mention song from this show is "You Should Be Loved", sung by the amazing Norm Lewis and Alice Ripley. Makes me weep each time I hear it!)

Welcome to Fear City (aka New York City circa 1975)

A NYC friend of mine posted a link on her Facebook page that is sooooooo amazing that I needed to share it! Back in the mid-1970s, New York City was one of the most dangerous cities to visit. So much so that NYC's Council for Public Safety (police, firefighters, and other unions) created a pamphlet called "Welcome to Fear City: A Survival Guide for Visitors to the City of New York". This pamphlet is one alarming brochure ... and it's kind of hilarious! 

If you were planning on visiting NYC and saw a copy of this brochure, you might rethink your vacation plans and go...well, anywhere else - particularly with the image from the cover of a skull. Things that I used to do on a daily basis when I lived there from 1994 through 2011 seems to be unheard of back in the mid-1970s. What was the Council's advice?

• Stay off the streets after 6 p.m.
• Do not walk — "If you must leave your hotel... summon a taxi by telephone."
• Avoid public transportation — "You should never ride the subway for any reason whatsoever."
• Remain in Manhattan — "If you remain in midtown areas and restrict your travel to daylight hours, emergency service personnel are best able to provide protection."
• Protect your property
• Safeguard your handbag
• Conceal property in automobiles
• Do not leave valuables in your hotel room, and do not deposit them in the hotel vault
• Be aware of fire hazards

One of the best lines is: "...some New Yorkers do manage to survive and even to keep their property intact...Good luck."  Bah hahahahahahaha!!!

Unsurprisingly, this pamphlet never actually got distributed due to the negative publicity, but I'm certainly glad that someone kept a copy for our enjoyment today.  You can check out the entire pamphlet on the Gothamist website.  I'm not sure which of the advice given is my favorite, but I really find it interesting that they did not recommend putting valuables in the hotel vault. What the heck was going on with the hotels in NYC during the 1970s?? 

I'm thrilled that the City rebounded and it is now a great place to live or vacation ... although I would never live there again!

I Dare You to "Chew on This"!!

This year, I am teaching a whole new bunch of books to my students, so I'm spending what little free time I have catching up on reading these books. I just finished one. Therefore, I ask you: are you someone who frequents McDonalds, Burger King, Dunkin' Donuts, Taco Bell, and other such fast food industries? If so, have I got a book for you to read!  If not, have I got a book for you to read! Run to your nearest bookstore or library and pick up Eric Schlosser's non-fiction book, Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know About Fast Food.  Having seen Morgan Spurlock's riveting documentary, Super Size Me, I didn't think I could be surprised by anything about the fast food industry, but I was wrong. This book is a page turner.

Synopsis:  "In the New York Times bestseller Chew on This, Eric Schlosser and Charles Wilson unwrap the fast-food industry to bring you a behind-the-scenes look at a business that both feeds and feeds off the young. Find out what really goes on at your favorite restaurants—and what lurks between those sesame seed buns.

Praised for being accessible, honest, humorous, fascinating, and alarming, Chew On This was also repeatedly referred to as a must-read for kids who regularly eat fast food. Having all the facts about fast food helps young people make healthy decisions about what they eat. Chew On This shows them that they can change the world by changing what they eat." (Amazon)

Review: It's clear from the start that this book is geared toward younger readers. Let me say a little though about what Schlosser does NOT do in this book: he does not tell kids what to eat or not eat. He does not tell them they must stay away from fast-food restaurants at all times (he's not some freaky, crazed vegetarian and even mentions some responsible restaurants that he likes, like In-n-Out Burger). Instead, he tries to inform kids about what's in fast food and how fast-food restaurants are run, and encourages kids to make their OWN well-informed decisions.

Schlosser is an investigative journalist, and the book is intended as an exposé of the fast-food industry, there's no question about it. A lot of what he says will make parents and kids feel pretty bad about their eating behavior - the terrible pollution problems caused by factory farms, the health problems caused by obesity, terrible dental problems caused by soda pop, etc. So, his opinion on the subject is clear but well-supported. Chew On This is designed to make people (especially kids) aware of what they are buying and eating and awareness is key to the choices you make.

I loved this book. It's eye opening and interesting and does in fact make you 'chew on' the research. It will be interesting to see if this book resonates with my students; as impoverished inner city kids are much more likely to eat at fast food restaurants over their suburban counterparts.

This book is an adaptation of Fast Food Nation by the same author. So if you've read Fast Food Nation, you don't need to read this book. (I haven't read Fast Food Nation.)

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Music Doesn't Lie - Part 23 (On My Own)

"Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world,
then it can only happen through music." – Jimi Hendrix

It always amazes me when a song that I've been listening to for eons takes on a whole new meaning due to life experiences. I'll give you an example. In 1987, one of the most amazing musicals arrived in New York City after an extremely successful run in London and Paris. I'm talking of course of the Claude-Michel Schönberg, Alain Boublil, Trevor Nunn stunning musical, Les Miserables, which is based on the gripping novel by Victor Hugo. If you haven't seen the musical or read the novel, you are missing a heart-wrenching tour de force! I actually have not had the pleasure of seeing the 2012 film - which is surprising considering my adoration of Hugh Jackman.

I first saw this musical in Philadelphia in 1988 as part of the national tour and saw it a subsequent four or five times on Broadway. This musical captured my heart from the first note and for the longest time was my top choice for best musical. It's still in my top 10...maybe even my top 5... and more than 25 years later, it still captures my heart. Back in my stage performance days, I wanted so desperately to play the tragic character of Éponine, knowing that I was completely wrong for the role, but would have sold an internal organ for the chance. As I got older, I realized that I was perfect for the role of Madame Thénardier, the comic relief role and still would gladly sell a body part to play her on Broadway. Alas, 'twas not meant to be in either case, but a girl can dream can't she?

For the past couple of days, I've been listening to the Broadway soundtrack and noticed something interesting. Over the past 5 years or so, my life has become in some ways very Éponine-like, much more so than when I was younger and wanted to play the role. Now when I listen to her songs of unrequited love and angst, I actually empathize much more today than I could have 25 years ago. It's just very funny where life takes you. 

The Éponine song that I'm highlighting today is my favorite and the one which most closely represents my life. Being sung by the incomparable Lea Salonga during the 10th anniversary concert version of Les Miz, here is "On My Own" (lyrics).

A Thief in Every Living Room!

This morning's news had a really fascinating story about a former drug user who had stolen $300 from a deli in Nashville, TN at gunpoint and returned 12 years later to make amends for his crime. He returned the $300 plus another $100 to make amends.  The deli owners could have used their cameras to identify the thief, but have chosen to give the man a second chance. Pretty amazing story!  

That got me thinking about my students. The other day, we got to chatting about what constitutes stealing. One of my students took something from my desk without my permission and I had to explain that they didn't have my permission to take the item and that technically it's considered stealing and I could report them. Then a student said, "What if I took a pencil from another student's backpack without them knowing? Is that stealing?" Of course, I responded "Yes!" It scares me that they weren't aware that it was stealing.

Now, of course, I wouldn't turn my students in for something like taking something from my desk, but I wanted to use the situation to teach a valuable lesson about not taking things that don't belong to you, but I sort of realized today that I think there's a thief in every living room.  Who hasn't taken a pen from their job, a mustard packet from a deli, "borrowed" something from a friend without asking and never returned it? Is it ever acceptable to steal?  Does taking a pen from your job really stealing? Of course it is, but everyone does it. Does that make it right? No, but yet we all overlook those little idiosyncrasies. But how does that differ from someone who steals something from a store? Stealing is stealing - big or small.  Does anyone disagree with this statement?? Just a little food for thought!

A Meth Lab Toy!?!?! What the...

This morning, while watching the news, I saw a disturbing report about a toy that is inspired by the AMC television show Breaking Bad.  It's a replica meth lab which the manufacturers call "SuperLab Playset" and runs $250. "Already sold out, the set allows kids to recreate a crystal meth manufacturing lab right down to the most minute detail. The SuperLab kit comes complete with drug paraphernalia and protective masks for the tiny figurines, one of whom is a dead ringer for central Bad character Walter White."

I'm sorry, but am I the only person who finds this "toy" to be disturbing? It seems to glorify the idea that being a meth dealer is a cool thing.  Maybe I'm just an old fuddy-duddy, but I hate this toy.  I'm not even a parent, so I can only imagine how a parent feels.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who hates it. Lego is equally unhappy with this toy because it bears a striking resemblance to Lego-made toys. I think this toy is really in bad taste and I'm wondering who are the people paying for this toy - particularly at a whopping $250. Are they actually buying it for their children to play with or is it merely a novelty item that they will keep in a box to sell at a future date? Either way, this toy is in bad taste and I question why anyone would manufacture such a toy. 

Meh!

"Thou Shalt Keep Thy Religion to Thyself"

The late, great comedian and well-documented atheist, George Carlin is one of my heroes. I truly miss his brand of comedy and I particularly loved his focus on socio-cultural criticism of modern American society. One of my favorite George Carlin commentaries is his view on the 10 commandments (see video posted below). It is quite possibly one of the funniest and most meaningful moments that he ever spoke. He manages to reduce the 10 commandments to two and added a third - "Thou Shalt Keep Thy Religion to Thyself".  I've spoken a bit about my own atheism and I really find people who shove their religious views in other people's faces truly annoying - to put it mildly.

Yesterday, while at a professional development session at school, one of the new teachers hired this year sat next to me.  I don't know this woman, having met her once about 2 weeks ago (she's in a different department on a different floor so I never have anything to do with her), but she decided that she was going to stick her nose into my cancer and grabbed my hand to say a prayer. Trying not to be a complete bitch, I just tolerated this annoying moment and explained that while I appreciated her intentions that I was an atheist. To which she replied, "That doesn't matter, I believe in God." EXCUSE ME?!?!  My belief on a subject doesn't matter? Only your opinion matters? I started to get a bit ticked off. If the conversation had stopped there, it would have been fine. But alas that was not the case. She decided to continue to tell me how God was going to take care of me and I'll be okay under God's care, blah, blah, blah. Consequently, this conversation just pushed all my buttons! I finally had to be rude and tell her that I found her comments completely inappropriate in a professional setting and that I was offended by her continued conversation on the subject matter. I then had to get up a walk away before I said something really awful. Adding to this annoyance was the fact that I was feeling completely shitty thanks to the chemo side effects, therefore I ended up in a rage!

I have a belief - it's called science. And yes, I said that I hated chemotherapy and don't want to do it anymore but it's not because I don't believe in it. It's because it makes me feel like crap and I hate that I'm filling my body with deadly toxins which while it is killing the cancer, who knows what other damage it's doing. It's one of the many reasons why I will refuse future chemo treatments if the cancer comes back. Why do people insist on shoving their religious views on other people? In the words of George Carlin - keep your religious beliefs to yourself. I don't believe in some imaginary white-bearded man in the sky. It's utter bullshit!  Have some respect in the fact that I am an intelligent, rational realist who came upon this conclusion when I reached the age of reason.

I respect that people have their religious convictions and if that works for you, then so be it, but don't discount my right to not believe in your god. And I don't need people praying for my health. I remember my douche bag of a therapist, when I went through breast cancer treatment 6 years ago, had the nerve to tell me that "there are no atheist in foxholes." Eff him! There's an atheist in my foxhole and I'm proud to say that I haven't changed my convictions based on my health concerns. Can you tell I feel very strongly about this matter??

Tell 'em, George!

Is It the End of the English Language? Perhaps...

Yes, the Grammar Nazi is here to complain once again about the decay of the English language.

Today, during a professional development session, a fellow English teacher mentioned to me that she had read something on CNN about a change in the definition of the word literally. The basic gist is that a couple of dictionaries (Mirriam-Webster and Cambridge) and Google have decided that they are adding to the definition to say that the word 'literally' can mean 'figuratively'. Erm, what?? Props to Dictionary.com and the OED for not making this change.

Have people gotten to be so lazy that they cannot even bother to understand the difference between figuratively and literally??  I hear this basic lazy mistake all the time and it makes my skin crawl: "I was literally buried under a mountain of paperwork." Um, no, you were figuratively buried in paperwork. "You literally are turning green with envy." No, because then I would look like the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. While my colleague and I were discussing this offense, another English teacher decided to put his two cents worth into the conversation by saying that this change didn't bother him because the English language is constantly evolving. While I agree that yes, the English language is evolving, this change to the definition of literally is just sheer laziness. Yes, I understand that the person who says he is buried under with paperwork doesn't mean it literally but that does not excuse his using the word literally in the sentence. It's complete madness. I'm not sure what was more offensive. The change in the dictionaries or that an English teacher doesn't find the change abhorrent. <sigh>

If you click the link above to read the article on CNN's website, watch the video. It's literally hilarious!  :-)

The Fourth Chemo Treatment...

Today was the right arm, which really
limited my ability to do anything

Much as I love the nurses on the cancer ward of Anna Jacques Hospital, I am so over chemotherapy treatment. Yeah, I know, I know. It's extending my life, but seriously I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2-4 treatments. Thank goodness the nurses are so amazing or I'd probably stage a revolt and never go back again, which is always an option. It's not even that it's difficult or painful...Well that's not entirely true. Today's treatment started out fairly painful. I have really tiny veins so it's always a struggle to get the needle in my hand/arm. Today, it took three different needle sticks before they could find a vein, which was quite painful. It's not the nurses' fault but the fault of my ruddy veins. Then it was another 6 hours of unproductive sitting around, feeling slightly queasy, bs-ing with the nurses (which that was the best part of the day), and the occasional nap. Yeah, I hate this situation and really don't want to do it anymore, especially as I know what next week is going to be like: fatigue, pain, nausea, insomnia, etc. You've heard all about the nasty side effects before, no need to repeat them ad nauseum.

Consequently, all the time sitting in that chair lead me to my next thought/decision - if the cancer comes back or I develop a third primary cancer, I'm done with chemo. I'm just going to let nature take its course and see what happens. I say "Let the chips fall where they may." I'm going to get a boatload of grief over this decision, but it's my life and I'll do what I want and I don't want to go through chemotherapy ever again. I'll finish these next few treatments, but if it returns, I'm not doing treatment again, unless someone can give me a really, really good reason why. And by good reason, it better be a beyond brilliant reason!

I admire people who have the fortitude to go through multiple cancer treatments. I read an article from 2011 about a man from Warminster, PA who over the course of 20 years was diagnosed with 12 different cancers.  He finally passed away in 2013, so the Big C finally won the war. I equate his cancer woes with the many pointless wars in history - why the hell would you put resources and effort into fighting a losing battle. Maybe it was because he had a wife, children, and grandchildren which gave him a good reason to fight. I don't know, but I know I'm done after these next few treatments.

Yeah, I'm in a rare mood today! Sorry about this rant, but I'm cranky, utterly exhausted, and feeling overwhelmed!

6 hours of staring at this view!

A Dreamy Goodbye Party...

I have a real fascination for dreams. I have written about nightmares and dreams before (Dreams! Did You Know... and Crazy Dreams and Nightmares ) and just relish going to sleep to see where my mind will take me each night. I'm a big believer in analyzing dreams when I remember them. You can learn many things from examining your subconscious. My old therapist used to be a great dream analyzer, but now I have to do it on my own. The other night, I had a doozy of a dream and it resonated with me so much I thought I'd share it:

I'm sitting at home, not doing anything special. When all of a sudden, a multitude of friends begin showing up, one at a time - totally unplanned. My apartment eventually is filled with nearly all of my friends: some from high school, college, past and current jobs, actor friends, etc. We're having a good time chatting, eating appetizers, imbibing on beverages, and such. The apps and beverages showing up magically as happens in dreams. Then just as one by one they arrived, one by one they start saying goodbye to me. But it's not a normal "goodbye/see you soon", it's a "goodbye/I'm sad that I'll never see you again". As I'm saying goodbye to these lovely people, I'm continually looking over everyone's shoulder for that one person whom I want so desperately to be there but has been a no show so far. As I'm down to saying goodbye to my last handful of friends left, this missing friend finally arrives, gives me the longest hug goodbye, and immediately leaves without saying a word. I say goodbye to the rest of my friends, close the door and take a seat on my couch - emotionally drained.

After that, the dream dissolved into a new dream - a weird yet interesting dream about a campground with wizards and witches. I have got to find out if that place exists in reality.

This dream is pretty easy for me to interpret. I had made a decision a few weeks ago that if I were to succumb to the cancer that is traversing through my body that I'd like to have a gathering to say goodbye to all the important people in my life. Now that the chemotherapy seems to be working for the moment, it's less of a crucial decision. But if the cancer were to come back - whether it be a year or 5 years, I would like to plan and attend my own memorial. Why have people gather to memorialize me after I go belly up? Let's have a party instead! Basically, I would rent out a hall/pub/restaurant, etc. where all my friends and family would be able to congregate and give myself a chance to say "ciao" to my loved ones. Actually I'd probably need to do 3 parties - Florida, NYC and Massachusetts so I can cover all the important people in my life. This dream represents that decision. The friend who showed up late in my dream is the one person that I expect to never see again in real life, but he came to say goodbye to me in a dream. I guess it's the best I can expect from that past relationship, which was the subject of a recent post about unfinished business. I suppose if I can't resolve it in real life, I'm trying to resolve it in dreams. Fascinating!

Do you analyze your dreams?  What do they say about you?

A Cancer War Update...

Coming a couple of weeks earlier than I expected, there's mostly good news in the cancer war:

This past Thursday, when I arrived at school, I was having some freaky respiratory issues. Every little movement I made was causing me to gasp for breath like I had run a mile, even at one point forcing me to take a seat for 10 minutes just to recover after climbing a flight of stairs. This turn of event caused some consternation for myself and my colleagues who kept telling me to go home or to see the doctor, but being as stubborn as I am, I completed my day of work on Thursday - taking a wait and see approach. By Friday, when I arrived at school for a professional development session, the respiratory issues were still a concern. I called the oncologist's office to report the latest problems. After speaking with a nurse, who determined that it could be a number of factors: the cancer, the chemo, the anemia, or even environmental, it was suggested that I go see the doctor who fortunately had an afternoon appointment available. I was told to arrive a little early to have some blood drawn.  I then got a second call from the nurse who indicated that their blood testing machines were being serviced so I would need to stop by the hospital to get the blood drawn. And so begins a crazy day.

I spent a portion of the professional development time quite literally swinging from the rafters. To facilitate team building, the staff of my school participated in several interesting activities in the field house (aka: gymnasium) of our school. One of the events: staff members were individually tethered to a rope around our waists, hauled up about 40 or so feet in the air, and then released to swing wildly. What an amazing rush! Not as good as skydiving but pretty amazing. Should I have done this task while having respiratory problems? <shrug> Don't know, don't care!

After PD was completed for the day, I drove to the hospital where I had my blood drawn. Next, I drove to the doctor's office (I could have walked - but didn't). I explained my symptoms to the doctor who was concerned that perhaps I had developed a blood clot in my lungs. He decided to send me for a CT scan. Although, he did say that my blood levels had dropped so it could be the anemia which was causing the respiratory issues. Next, I hauled myself back to the hospital where I needed to pick up barium sulfate suspension for the scan. I left the hospital and headed for home for a couple of hours where I drank the "yummy" barium milkshakes before returning to the hospital for the CT scan. After the scan, the technician suggested that I hang around until the radiologist read the films because if there was a clot, I would have to return to the hospital anyway. I waited approximately 20-30 minutes for the results. 

Here's the good news: not only was there no blood clot that he could see, the tumors that I'm being treated for were either completely gone or, in the case of the larger tumors, severely reduced. Now, does this mean that I'm cancer free? No. These results mean that - for the moment - chemotherapy is working. It will still be 5 years after the completion of treatment before I can be considered cancer free, but for the moment, it looks like I'll be around for awhile longer. What is causing the respiratory issues? Well, it's probably from the anemia, although that's just a supposition. 

And so it goes...

A Tagxedo of my cancer posts!