Living With Another Human Being

My crash pad in Philly. 

Do you live alone or with other people?

For the past, 20+ years, I have lived on my own -- ever since moving out of my parents' home. No roommates, no significant others, nothing. Over the course of those 20 years, I've always complained that my life has been a fairly lonely existence, but as the saying goes "watch what you wish for".

Let me start by saying: I love my eldest brother. He's funny, smart, and very verbose. Basically, he is me but older, taller and has a winkie. We're very much alike, although he's a more bellicose than I am. All that being said, this past weekend I received a glimpse of what it's going to be like sharing a living space with someone on two legs. It might get ugly quickly. :-)

It's me. After so many years of living alone, I'm going to find it very difficult living with another human -- even one that I love. I'm used to a certain way of living and having to adjust to another person's idiosyncrasies is going to be difficult. For example, I'm used to a certain quietness in my home. It's not nearly as peaceful at my brother's house. I don't watch the same shows that he does. (I do not get why The Simpsons is so amusing to some people.) I'm not even going to mention the one bathroom-two adult situation.

I will get used to it, I suppose but wow, teaching this old dog new tricks is going to be hard. Still, I thank him for allowing to crash in on his world. But I'm glad I'll be spending a considerable amount of the foreseeable future traveling so we don't kill each other.

Some of the World's Weirdest Laws...

It's been awhile since I created a post based on funny/weird stuff. Inspired by a report that I read last night about a city who shut down a boy's little library due to some antiquated and asinine law, I did a little research on weird laws around the world. I decided not to include the US - that will require an additional posting.

Here are the laws that I found to be the most bizarre, but believe me, the few listed here are just the tip of the iceberg on strange laws around the world:

Australia

It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes, and black shoe polish on your face as these items are tools of a cat burglar. [Yes, because everyone walks around like that!]

Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb.  [There's a joke in there somewhere.]

Canada

Businesses must provide rails for tying up horses. [Is this for the Royal Mounted Police?]

It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them. [But it's okay to do that to a healthy person?]

If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town. [What the...]

Denmark

If a horse drawn carriage is trying to pass a car and the horse becomes uneasy, the owner of the car is required to pull over and if necessary, cover the car. [Does that mean everyone has to carry a car cover at all times?]

France

In France, you can legally marry a dead person as long as preliminary civic formalities have been completed which show that you and your fiancee had planned to marry before your fiancee died. [What about consummating the marriage? Eeeeeuuuuuwwww!!]

No pig may be addressed as Napoleon by its owner. [But Napoleon was a.... never mind.]

It is illegal to take photos of police officers or police vehicles, even if they are just in the background. [I'll have to be careful when I travel there.]

Germany

It is illegal for your car to run out of gas on the Autobahn. [No calling AAA...or would it be called GAA in Germany? ]

Israel

It is forbidden to bring bears to the beach. [Damn, I'm going to have to find a bear sitter when I go to the beach.]

Picking your nose on the Sabbath is illegal. [Can you pick someone else's nose?]

Italy

A man may be arrested for wearing a skirt. [But I suppose the long flowing robes of the clergy is acceptable.]

Singapore

If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays wearing a bib, which reads: "I am a litterer." [I guess there are worse punishments.]

Sweden

While prostitution is legal, it is illegal to use the services of a prostitute. [Erm, huh?]

Switzerland

Though it is illegal to produce, sell and trade absinthe, it is legal to consume it. [Again...erm, huh?]

It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10pm. [You can go to the bathroom, just don't flush. That could be interesting in a house with many people living in it.]

Thailand

It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear. [How do they enforce this law?]

United Kingdom

You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls after midnight. [Someone tell Robin Hood.]

Every week, all English males over the age of 14 are to carry out 2 or more hours of longbow practice under the supervision of the local clergy. [Is this in case they decide to invade Wales?]

Oh, what a weird and wacky world we live in.

Ladies: You Are Enough!

This morning, a good friend from high school posted a video link on her Facebook page and I thought it moving and important enough to blog about it. Most women have a terrible habit - we look in the mirror and see the worst aspects of ourselves. We are ultra critical and forget that we are strong, amazing, and powerful. 

The Mrs., an all-female band from Austin, Texas decided to do something about how women view themselves. "The Mrs.' debut single, 'Enough', was written to help women see themselves with a less critical eye, and realize that they are 'Enough' just the way they are." The video below is the end result. Take a look:

This video makes me weep. While I think that my life has not quite been as realized as I wanted it to be, I have to remember that I am enough. 

Ladies, remember you are enough and there is someone out there who knows that you are amazing and loves you very much. Remind yourself of that fact the next time you look in the mirror and hate what you see.

Step 1 Completed - Flights Booked!

The first step toward taking my 2 month Grand Tour of Europe has been accomplished: flights are booked! Now the trip feels a little more real. While I knew that I was taking this step of traveling until I couldn't travel anymore, it seemed like a dream -- that is until I booked the flights.

Officially, I am leaving on Monday, October 20 and returning Saturday, December 20. I will be starting my tour in Edinburgh, Scotland and finishing in Athens, Greece. Tentatively, I've planned out the rest of my trip (see photo below), but all destinations are subject to change at my whim. Technically, I will be gone for 61 days, but only have about 40 days of travel actually planned. I may need to add a stop or two to my plans. Any suggestions?

Yes, this trip is really happening. Additionally, I have completed a couple of other minor steps for this trip: purchased a new backpack, walking shoes, and a few other necessities. But the purchase of the plane tickets guarantees that I cannot turn back now - nor do I want to turn back. There is still so much to do before I leave, but I am just that much closer.

Season 5 of Downton Abbey Starts With a Bang!

I know it's terribly cruel of me to give a brief (non-spoiler) review of the new season of Downton Abbey when it is only airing in the UK, but alas, I cannot help myself. Yes, last night was the first episode of Season 5 and, as with the past couple of seasons, thanks to a little internet magic and my brother's generosity, I was once again able to begin watching the new season a full 3+ months before it airs here in the U.S.

From what I observed last night, the new season is going to be yet another solid one. Our usual cast of characters are all back - Lord and Lady Grantham, Lady Mary, Lady Edith, the Dowager Countess, and the rest of the family, Mr. Carson, Mrs. Hughes, Bates, Anna, Thomas, and the rest of the staff. The season starts in 1924 with the celebration of the 34th anniversary of Robert and Cora. Mary has to decide what to do about her relationship with Lord Gillingham. Mr. Carson is asked to do something that he finds uncomfortable. Daisy is trying to improve her education. The Dowager Countess is still quick with her wit, and Thomas is up to his old shenanigans.

Ahhhh, all the intrigues are back - just how I like it. Yes, I still miss the character of Matthew Crawley and am still sad that Dan Stevens left the show. One day I'll get over that. My only true complaint about the first episode was there wasn't much screen time with Bates and Anna (my favorites), but it's early yet. Rock solid start to what looks like a promising season.

Indeed.

Music Doesn't Like - Part 38 (You Oughta Be Here With Me)

"Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world,
then it can only happen through music." – Jimi Hendrix

Yep, I'm a musical theatre nerd. Despite what other people think, it is not the only type of music that I listen to, but musical theatre is one of my favorites. It's an occupational hazard when you want to be a musical theatre performer from the time you are 8 years old.

The other day I was conversing with a friend who sent me a link to the website a theatre company that she thought I would find interesting: Deaf West Theatre. DWT is an award-winning professional resident Sign Language theatre and as I have studied sign language in the past and love theatre, sending me this website is a no brainer. Funnily enough, I had already been aware of DWT's productions having seen DWT's truly transformational production of the musical Big River back in 2003 in NYC. DWT's "productions feature deaf and hearing actors working together to tell stories in a seamless ballet of movement, American Sign Language and spoken - or sung - English" (DWT's website). Their productions are simply stunning to experience.

Naturally, remembering the DWT's production of Big River inspired me to listen to the original 1985 Broadway soundtrack. If you don't know this musical, Big River is a musical retelling of Mark Twain's timeless story, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which is one of my favorite novels. The musical has a book by William Hauptman and music and lyrics by Roger Miller. Interesting, the original Broadway production of Big River included stars Rene Auberjonois and John Goodman.

I love this musical nearly as much as I love the source material. The songs include a wide variety of styles from country to jazz to gospel. However, most of the tunes cannot be pigeonholed as one style of music or the other because Roger Miller has done a beautiful job of blending several types of music into one coherent whole on many of the songs. 

In addition to the wide variety of styles, the songs also have an equally wide variety of emotions: The humorous: "Guv'ment" (lyrics) by Huck's Pappy, Tom Sawyer's "Hand for the Hog" (lyrics), plus the two songs by the King and the Duke, "When the Sun Goes Down in the South" (lyrics) and "The Royal Nonesuch" ("She's got one big breast in the middle of her chest/And an eye in the middle of her nose/So says I, if you look her in the eye/You're better off looking up her nose" - lyrics). The tender ballad: "You Oughta Be Here with Me" by Mary Jane Wilkes. The spiritual: "The Crossing". The best songs are reserved for the Huck and Jim: "Muddy Water" (lyrics) as they shove off on a raft for Freedom, "River in the Rain" (lyrics) as they spend their last moments alone on the river, and "World's Apart" (lyrics) as the recognize the gulf that exists between them. Plus Huck and Jim's trio with Mary Jane on "Leavin's Not the Only Way to Go" (lyrics). Check out the 1985 Tony Awards performance by the original Huck and Jim.

The song that has always been my favorite, but also has taken on a new meaning for me over the years is Mary Jane's song when she sings to her father's coffin - "You Oughta Be Here With Me" (lyrics). It's beautiful song about loneliness and the loss of a loved one and is yet another song being added to my catharsis playlist:

The Last Days of School...

A student wrote this!

I don't think I've had a more emotional, gut wrenching, yet utterly amazing week. You see, this week I had to say goodbye to my students and colleagues. Most people go through life not knowing whether or not they made an impact, which is especially true for teachers. But every so often, we do get an answer.

I am overwhelmed and humbled with the outpouring of love and affection from everyone at my school. Most people who know me, know that I am not a fan of being in the spotlight. It's a strange thing for a performer to say. Usually we want to be front and center, but I have never been someone who likes having a fuss made over them, particularly as a teacher. I think everything should be about the students and not about me.

Therefore, when school started yesterday and I learned that the students had decided to make it "Ms. Smith Day" at BMF, I was floored and ever so slightly embarrassed. But as it was the wish of my amazing cherubs to have this day, I was more than willing to let myself be fussed over and you know what, everyone should have a chance to have a day all to themselves. It is a reminder that we are all worthwhile, special, and amazing people who deserve to be celebrated. I know, you'll say "Well that's what birthdays are for!" I hate birthdays... or let me say I hate celebrating my birthday. A random day that suddenly becomes your celebration day is way cooler.

Just some of the amazing things that happened yesterday and today were: a beautiful tribute read over the PA (see photo below), "Ms. Smith Day" t-shirts worn by students and colleagues to celebrate my big day, more cards and letters than I have ever had in my life and will take me days and days to read (mostly because I keep crying every time I read one), flowers, posterboards with messages, a t-shirt signed by students, delicious Dominican food, yummy cake, monetary gifts (which was way too much, but incredibly sweet), drawings, and other small gifts. As wonderful and sweet as all of these things were, the most important aspect was the students (both current and former -- plus one set of parents) who came to my classroom before and after school to spent time with me - even though it was through many tears but also laughter. I even received visits from students that had graduated last year and the year before. Wow!

A beautiful tribute!

My heart is breaking that I have to leave my BMF family. For the past two years, I have had the most amazing ride and I hate that it is ending. I made a vow to my students though, that each day that I have left will be dedicated to them. My travels are for them to learn from and live through. While my body is in Europe and wherever else it takes me, my heart will forever be with my students. 

To my students: I love you always and forever!

The sheer magnitude is astounding!

What Am I Looking Forward To?

With most people knowing about my upcoming travel plans of jetting around Europe for 2 months, many people keep asking me what I am looking forward to seeing the most. This is a really hard question to answer. Over the course of the 2 months that I'm there, I am planning to pack in a lot of sites that I have been wanting to see for decades. To narrow my favorites to just one or two of the most important things is nearly impossible. 

Here is just a short list of the places that I'm planning to visit and am beyond excited to see:

• Edinburgh Castle in Edinburgh, Scotland
• Hampton Court Palace and Windsor Castle outside of London, England
• British Museum in London, England
• Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, The Netherlands
• Prague Castle in Prague, Czech Republic
• Mozart's Birthplace/Residence in Salzburg, Austria
• Mozarthaus in Vienna, Austria
• Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, Germany
• Residenz (palace) and Nymphemburg Palace in Munich, Germany
• Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, France (this is a revisit of a favorite place)
• Chateau de Versailles in Versailles, France (another revisit)
• Mont Saint-Michel in Le Mont Saint-Michel, France
• Castles tour in the Loire Valley, France
• Picasso Museum in Barcelona, Spain
• Too many places to list from Venice, Florence and Rome (all are revisits)
• Pompeii and Vesuvius outside of Naples, Italy
• The Acropolis in Athens, Greece
• Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey (this is a wish site - not sure if I'll get to Istanbul)

Looking at this amazing list of just some of the places I plan on seeing while traveling around Europe. How could I choose just one or two to say are the ones I'm most looking forward to seeing? You'll notice there are a number of castles on the list. I admit, I'm a castle whore. I just love visiting them! 

While the underlying reason for why I can take this trip to Europe sucks the big weenie, I am just thrilled to be able to spend the time I have exploring the magnificence that is Europe! I wish I could take you all with me, but you'll have to just be happy to follow my exploits on my blog. 

Estimated Date of Departure: mid-October (somewhere around the 19th)

A Reflection on the Teaching Profession...

As I am about to finish my final week of teaching, I would like to reflect on my teaching career, which is being cut painfully short.

Back in 1984, after graduating high school, I had fully intended to go to college in order to become a teacher -- granted the plan was to be a music teacher and not the English teacher I am today, but a teacher all the same...until I derailed my teaching career. You see, 2 years into my college education, I decided that I wanted to take a chance and pursue a performing career. I was going to "take Broadway by storm". Well, we know what that outcome was. It was less of a storm and more of a breeze. After years of being an unsuccessful performer, I finally decided to complete my education (changing my major from music to English) in order to go back to the original plan of being a teacher.

Over two years ago, I embarked on my career change into education and even though it was grueling, exhausting, and occasionally soul sucking, I'm glad I at least got a chance to experience the teaching profession. For anyone who has never taught, you'll never really fully appreciate how hard teachers work and what a roller coaster ride it is to teach.

Here are the good points and bad points of teaching:

Good points:

• The students: I have mentioned this before but it bears repeating - my students are awesome. They are funny, witty, and intelligent youngsters. The thing I will miss the most about teaching are my students. 
• Grading: Believe it or not, I actually really love grading student work. There's something zen about sitting at my desk with a stack of papers that need to be graded. 
• Lesson planning: Yes, lesson planning is difficult and time consuming, but there's also something fun about putting together a lesson that will (hopefully) engage my students. It's like doing a really complicated jigsaw puzzle.
• Every day is different: I have 140 students on my roster and I see each student anywhere from 3-4 times a week due to the rotating schedule that my school has. Depending on what day it is and when during the day I see them, the students can be as different as night and day. Therefore, my days are totally unpredictable. Some people hate that aspect, but I love it. Corporate is boring by comparison.
• My colleagues: I'm very lucky where I work in that my school has a pretty amazing set of teachers. They are funny, collaborative, and tireless workers whose only goals and wishes are to improve the minds of our kiddos.

Bad points:

• Crazy long hours: No, teachers do not just work from 8-3. I get to school at 7am and consider myself lucky if I leave before 4pm. Plus, I often take work home with me and at least one day on the weekend is given to lesson planning. Conservatively, I work 50-55 hours a week and even in the summer, I have to begin lesson planning and take classes. Only bad teachers work from 8-3.
• Insane amounts of paperwork: Between lesson plans, handouts for students, and all the other tasks that goes into teaching, there is a crazy amount of paper that gets consumed in a day. I have killed many a tree over the past 2 years.
• Severe underpayment: Considering what teachers have to do to be effective at their jobs, we do not get paid nearly enough. Now I didn't go into teaching for money - no teacher does, but that doesn't mean that I'm not somewhat annoyed at the teeny tiny paycheck that I get every two weeks. Plumbers make more money than I do.
• Exhaustion: I know I've been going through a lot of medical stuff during my 2+ years of teaching, but the exhaustion that every teacher feels is real. It is the most grueling work ever because you literally have to be on for the entire time that you teach. Because there is a certain level of performance in being a teacher, it's definitely the hardest acting job that I've ever done. 
• Dealing with behavioral problems: Yeah, classroom management is a nightmare. I hate to do it, I'm really bad at it, and it wears me down every day. One of the biggest reasons for my exhaustion is trying to keep my very rambunctious students on task, off their phones, and engaged in the material. Basically, there are days where I could light my hair on fire, juggle live chainsaws, and sing a song and my students wouldn't care in the least. I won't miss those days.

While there are equal amounts of bad points to teaching as there are good points, all in all there is not a more rewarding career than teaching. Sadly, I only taught 2 years out of the 20-25 that I had planned when I started out, which makes me sad. Yet another thing that can be added to my list of regrets.

On Friday, I will say goodbye to my students knowing that I did the best I could for them and hope with all my might that I was an effective and inspiring teacher. I will miss my little cherubs immensely and will carry them in my heart forever.

Sad to be Leaving the Port...

In a little more than a month, I'll be moving away from the home I've lived in for the past 3+ years, which historically is the average length of time that I stay in any one location. How I got to this town was a fluke. In an attempt to find a new place to live after nearly 20 years of living in that dirty, smelly, rat-infested NYC, I traveled north at the suggestion of a colleague to check out Portsmouth, NH as a possible option for my new home. On my way home, I stopped in Newburyport in order to visit a friend who lived here and fell in love with this quaint old New England town. I was sold!

What do I love about the Port? Where do I start? There's so much to love about this town: an amazing library, a beautiful river walk, many sweet little stores, great restaurants, historic Federalist style buildings, and incredibly friendly people. Yes, there is this weird underbelly heroin problem in this little town, but that doesn't take away from the beauty of this town. Also, I figured that Newburyport would be the closest thing to actually living in a small town in the English countryside, which has always been a dream for me. Really the only things missing from my dream are the British accents! 

But now I have to once again uproot myself from a beloved home. I will be sad to say goodbye to this amazing little town. I will miss the pretty walks, the great restaurants, the library - my home away from home. However, I will NOT miss the insane amount of snow that we get on occasion. Most of all I will miss the incredible friends that I have made here. You see, despite being a Yankee fan and an outsider, I have been accepted by the best people who live here and will miss them terribly while I go traipsing around the world. But I will leave a little piece of my heart here in the Port!

If you have never visited Newburyport, I highly recommend it. 

Flavor of the Month...

Unsurprisingly, I suppose, there has been a lot of crying in my school ... particularly in my classroom ... over the past week. You see, I have a 140 students on my roster. Of those 140, I would say 125 are consistently showing up for class. I have developed a very nice rapport with most of the 125, plus there are about a dozen students whom I actually taught 2 years ago when they were Freshman.

Therefore, when I had to tell them about the cancer recurrence and then ultimately my decision to leave teaching and not do any further treatment, my students took it pretty hard. One student told me that she cried for 3 hours. I hate that I'm putting my students through this much distress, but I also know something else - I am the flavor of the month. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely flattered by the outpouring of love that my students are giving me and I know that they sincerely mean every word that they say, but I also know that when they say "Oh, miss, you're the best teacher I've ever had", I do feel ever so slightly skeptical. You see, most of these students I have taught them precisely 3 weeks. Erm, yeah, it's almost impossible to discern how good a teacher anyone would be in 3 weeks. 

Therefore, it's a honeymoon period/flavor of the month/cancer combination that has them feeling such strong emotions toward my decision to leave and not pursue treatment. But it is also a further indication that quitting my teaching job -- much as I love it and think that I'm getting better at it -- is the correct option. If they are taking this news so hard now, what would it be like if I were to stay a few more months. No, much as I will miss my little cherubs and love them more than they will ever know, I know that my decision was the wisest that I could make. Next week, when I leave my school for the last time as a teacher, I will leave with a heavy and sad heart, but knowing that I'm doing the right thing for my kids!

Starting to Say Goodbye...to Things

I've never been good at saying "goodbye" to people and things. It's true that I've gotten better over the past few years, but letting go is still really, really difficult for me. Looking around my apartment, I'm a little overwhelmed at the sheer magnitude of the amount of stuff that I need to purge from my life over the next few weeks. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm not terribly sentimental, but I'm also not a heartless biotch (no matter what others have said to the contrary). 

Yesterday, I started making a little bit of a dent in purging things in my apartment. I started with little things that don't make a huge difference. I pulled all of my teacher books and materials which I'm bringing to school on Monday to donate to my colleagues (I gave my 2 week notice on Friday). I tossed my college notes and papers (yep, still had them) and middle and high school year books with only a little emotion over the yearbooks. Then, I howled with laughter, scanned, posted on Facebook, and then trashed my 6th grade class photo. Why the hell I still had my 6th grade class photo I have no idea! Man, the fashions in the late 70s were awful! Next to go, miscellaneous photos that aren't worth passing along to someone else and then I posted some collectible items on Ebay. Finally, last night, I went through my jewelry box and sorted out the "good" jewelry from the "junk" jewelry. This morning, I started on my clothing - creating two piles: one for consignment, one for charity. I've made a good start on a HUGE task and feel pretty good to finally get rid of stuff that I don't actually need (like my college notes and papers)!

There is one task which I should have started immediately: making a supreme effort to find a new home is my baby girl, Lotta, but I'm dragging my feet on completing this task. How do I say goodbye to the one of the few things that literally gives me unconditional love?!?! When I come home, she greets me every time at the door. Most nights, she sleeps next to me on my bed. Plus she is a constant source of amusement. How can I send this lovely fur face away?? I've considered taking her to the local feline rescue but I don't want to stress her out. Actually, that's only partially true, I also just don't want to say to goodbye to her. I know the longer I take to find her a new home, the harder it's going to be to let her go. <sigh>

My little sweetheart has to find a new home
and it's going to break my heart to say goodbye!

If you are or someone you know is looking for a loving, albeit mischievous, cat, please let me know! Meanwhile, I will continue to purge the stuff that I won't be selling at my upcoming moving sale. North Shore area friends: get your cash ready! There's lots and lots of stuff to that needs to go!

Decision Made - Next Steps (A Cancer Update)

As everyone is now aware, I have a big decision to make on what to do about my recurrent cancer metastases (see September 2 blog), but to sum up the choices: same chemo treatment from last year, Tamoxifen, Bevacizumab, or nothing. I have made my decision. Truthfully, I made this decision months ago about what I would do if the nodules started to regrow, but faced with the actuality, I did want to give it a couple of days to see if I still felt the same way. I do. Here's my decision:

I will not be seeking any further treatment for my cancer.

I do have my reasons and they are plentiful, but it boils down to the following - I want quality of life; not quantity. I've earned it and I deserve it. Instead of holding off the inevitable, I intend to make the most out of what life I have left. Some people will disagree with my decision, but that's not my problem. There's a quote from the 1995 remake of Sabrina, which expresses my sentiments: "More isn't always better...Sometimes it's just more." I don't want to spend the next few months or years feeling sick and suffering horrible side effects for treatments that aren't a cure. If I had a spouse or children, I might feel differently, but I don't have either.

What are the next steps? Believe me, I do have a plan. 

• Hand in my resignation for work (tomorrow)
• Find a new home for my sweet baby girl (anyone want an amazing cat?)
• Apply for disability
• Sort through and get rid of any personal items that are unnecessary (yearbooks, scrapbooks, photos that are only of interest to me, etc.)
• Sell all possessions (apartment furniture, books, tchotchkes, etc.)
• Cash in all retirement accounts
• Prepay for cremation 
• Get out of my apartment lease
• Find a crash pad (probably my brother's house in Philadelphia, but am open for suggestions)
• TRAVEL!!!!

The last one is the biggie. My plan is to spend as much time as I can -- while I still feel well enough -- to travel to places I have always wanted to go and return to some of my favorite places. I would like to spend a couple of months traveling around Europe. Just a short list of places that I plan to visit are: Edinburgh, Glasgow, London, Oxford, Stonehenge, Dublin, The Blarney Stone, Amsterdam, Prague, Paris, Vienna, Salzburg, Barcelona, Venice, Florence, Rome, Naples, Malta, Athens, and anywhere else that my heart decides to go (the "red" cities are places I've been to before but want to revisit). My plan is to use my blog as a travelogue for everyone to follow along with my adventures.

Once I've finished my Grand Tour of Europe, I'll return home where I plan on having a couple of ... well, let's call them Irish Wakes in which the deceased is present at the party. I'd like to bid a fond farewell to my friends and family by holding a couple of strategically placed parties. I'd like to also plan a trip to the West Coast (LA area) in order to see my friends who have deserted the East Coast for warmer climes. 

While these plans are merely in the initial phases, I believe that all of these items can be done before my health starts failing and I eventually meet with the grim reaper. Again, I ask for everyone's support with the decision that I have made. 

Weighing the Options - A Cancer Update

As I mentioned last week, I've been having some minor cancer-related health issues and had a CT scan last Friday. Today, I received the results from my oncologist and it's not great news. Of the two significant sized nodules - both have grown. One of the two has doubled in size from .5 cm to 1.0 cm. Plus the radiologist noted that there were "some" new nodules. What does "some" mean? Neither my oncologist nor I know. Are there 3, 4, 15 new nodules? 

With the growth of existing nodules and the additional ones, I have to make a decision on my options moving forward, which are:

1. Go back to the chemotherapy treatment that I did last year in the hopes that it will reduce the size of the tumors (again).
2. Take an anti-estrogen drug in the hopes that it'll reduce the size of the tumors.
3. Take an antibody chemotherapy drug in the hopes that it will slow the growth of the tumors.
4. Do nothing and let nature run its course.

First off, let me say that the treatment options at this point are palliative. There is nothing that is going to cure this disease. Right now it's all down to how much time and/or what quality of life I want to have. 

Quite frankly I have little to no interest in repeating the chemotherapy treatment from last year. People who have never been through chemo will always say "do the chemo" but it's a horrible way to spend your time. I hated it and swore that I would never do traditional chemo ever again - twice was twice too many. My oncologist gave me literature for the other two options and I'm not too enamored with these options either. Both have a bevy of annoying side effects: nausea, nose bleeds, exhaustion, muscle aches, pain, vomiting, diarrhea, etc. The anti-estrogen drug is the same drug (Tamoxifen) that I took 6 years ago after my bout with breast cancer and I think it's one of the reasons why I now have endometrial cancer. Major medical issues with Tamoxifen: endometrial cancer (too late), stroke, and blood clots in the lungs. Hmmmm... The antibody drug (Bevacizumab) has an interesting medical issue for lung cancer patients: sudden and severe lung bleeding! WTF! The treatments are worse than the disease, but the idea is that if either drug works, it would extend my life expectancy by perhaps 2-3 years.

In case anyone is wondering, I'm leaning toward number 4, which would give me a life expectancy of approximately one year. Now, this is my decision to make and while I appreciate any advice that people want to give, understand that I will do what I feel is right for me. I'm going to take some time reviewing my options and the literature before I make my decision and no matter what I decide, I expect that my friends and family will respect my decision.

As for the breathing pain that brought me to the doctor's office in the first place, the oncologist thinks I probably had some mild irritation in the pleural cavity (pleurisy), which has since cleared up. That is normal for pleurisy.