In My Chest Beats the Heart of a Performer

I have just returned from my first audition in SEVEN YEARS!

For those who don't know the back story:  In 1987, I decided that I didn't want to learn about being a performer but wanted to BE a performer!  Ergo, I left college to pursue my dream.  I was going to take Broadway by storm.  Well, it ended up being less of a storm and more of a drizzle.  And it wasn't Broadway, it was Off- and Off-Off and Off-Off-Off-Off... well, you get the picture.  After 18 years of attempting to make a living as an actor (having some success in every way but monetarily), performing stopped being fun.  My final New York City stage appearance was in the Fall of 2004 and I officially went 'on hiatus' in the January of 2005.  'On hiatus' is a performer euphemism for giving up.  To fill up my free time, I decided to go back to college to finish my bachelor's degree and figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up... something that I'm still dealing with. But the desire to perform never goes away when you have the heart of a performer and I found myself missing it more and more over the years. 

Leaving New York has given me the opportunity to consider going back to performing.  Not as a professional performer, but doing amateur dramatics.  A couple of weeks ago, I received the weekly newsletter from the local theatre here in Newburyport which happened to have an audition notice for a new play.  The breakdown for the lead role was:  Christina, 34, fiercely independent and devoted to her daughter, Caucasian.  I thought, "Well that definitely is a role I could play."  But was I ready to return to performing - that was the critical question.  I decided to sign up for an audition slot regardless of my ultimate decision.  Then I spent the next two weeks hemming and hawing over whether I wanted to go on the audition.  Right up until it was time to leave for the theatre, I was still debating with myself.  Finally, I thought "it's not about getting the part or even doing the show, it's about seeing whether I'm ready to get back into the game and I won't know unless I try."  So with that in mind and knowing that there was no pressure to succeed - only to try - I grabbed my old headshot (ugh!) and resume and headed off to the theatre.

I believe that anything worth doing is worth doing well and my concern about the audition mostly was how rusty I was.  I would never want to show up and give a half performance.  I walked in the door, checked in, read through the sides and started to feel more and more in my element.  They were running behind schedule.  Quelle surprise!  After 30 minutes or so, I was brought into the theatre and read two scenes with some fellow actors and it went great!  I was immediately in the zone and had a fantastic audition ... if I do say so myself.  Yeah, yeah - performers are all about their ego.  Trust me, if I had crashed and burned, I would have said so.  While I think it unlikely that I will get the role because I have a feeling this theatre is very incestuous - which most theatres are, I am proud of myself.  I achieved my goal.  I went, I performed, and I gave a kick ass audition.  So huzzah for me! 

At the end of my audition, the director shook my hand and congratulated me on a great job.  And I didn't hear that awful word: "Next!"  Time to research more local theatre companies.  Beware Massachusetts actors: I have arrived and am ready to make my mark!