Do You Fear Death? Or Is There Something Even Worse?

I've come to the realization that I might be a bit weird. Over and over, various people keep telling me that the way I'm handling my health situation is different (aka: odd, strange, peculiar, freaky) than the way most people deal with similar situations. I guess it's because when I discuss my medical issues, I'm very nonchalant and irreverent about the actual possibility of dying. For example, the past couple of days I've mentioned to a few friends that I applied to take a leave of absence from my grad program for the next semester. Then I explain calmly and without bitterness, "I could have taken a year, but I decided 6 months instead. Because in 6 months I'll either be cured or dead."

See! I talk about it very frankly and even though I'm not happy about the prospect that I might not survive beyond the next 5 years from this diagnosis, I'm also not wallowing in self-pity and depression. People find this attitude surprising, inspiring, shocking, weird, crazy, etc. But what most people don't understand about me is that, since I reached the age of reason, I have never been fearful of my death. The moment you are born you start the march toward death - whether it's 1 minute or 100 years. We're all mortal. Everyone lives, everyone dies. Here's the important thing to remember about life:

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
–Gandalf, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Accordingly, I've made my peace with the fact that I might not survive my current medical issues.

No, no, my biggest fear is not my death. There is something far worse for me. I hear the comments now: "Worse?" "What could possibly be worse?" Oh, I have a simple answer: the deaths of those I love. I've never been accepting of loneliness - I hate it with a passion. If I were to lose the people I care about the most, I would be devastated. My own demise isn't terribly important - barely registering as a hiccup in history. But the loss of all my loved ones would be the real tragedy. I couldn't handle it!

Therefore, to the Grim Reaper I say: "When you're ready for me, bring it on! Let's party. But if you're looking to take one of my loved ones, we're going to have problems."  And to the Hypnos (the Greek god of sleep) I say: "Stop waking me at 3:30 in the morning!"

Gandalf's quote in Elvish
Maybe this will be
my next tattoo
...or epitaph