The 5 Worst Sports Injuries...

"...the agony of defeat..."

Every four years, thanks to the FIFA World Cup, I get a chance to watch lots of association football. Yay! Consequently, I have seen a lot of injuries: pulled hamstrings, torn ligaments, and even a nasty, albeit unintentional, kick to the face (US player Clint Dempsey). Yowch! 

Non sequitur: I always wonder why football isn't more popular in the United States. For me, association football is far more interesting to watch than American football. Perhaps I should move to Europe. But I digress.

Watching these injuries reminds me of ABC's Wide World of Sports program that I obsessively watched while growing up. The intro showed a particularly vicious looking crash of Slovenian ski jumper Vinko Bogataj's "agony of defeat". Every week I'd watch that intro and wince when I saw the crash, but despite the ferocity of the crash, Bogataj suffered only a mild concussion. I realized that some athletes go through horrendous pain for their passion. Why do they do it? Because they're f***ing INSANE!

Here are the 5 worst sports injuries:

5. Kevin Ware (Basketball): Kevin Ware is an American college basketball player. On March 31, 2013, in the first half of an NCAA playoff, Ware landed awkwardly after attempted to block a three-point shot attempt and suffered a compound fracture to his right leg (video). Ware's leg literally came out of his skin. That's not supposed to happen. Bones are made to stay inside a body. Players and coaches on both teams were visibly shaken at the sight of the injury. While lying on the floor of the court, Ware repeatedly said, "I'm fine, just win the game." After being tended to courtside for several minutes, Ware was carried off on a stretcher and was taken by ambulance to Methodist Hospital of Indianapolis. Surgeons inserted a rod into his tibia in a two-hour operation.

Ware returned to playing basketball competitively in the 2013-2014 season, playing in 9 games. He then decided to redshirt the rest of the season in order to concentrate on recovering.

4. Sid Vicious (Wresting): Professional wrestling is fake, but gravity and injuries are very real. Sid Vicious, winner of many fake championships, is one of the most memorable wrestlers in history. On January 14, 2001, Vicious competed for the World Heavyweight Championship against Scott Steiner, Jeff Jarrett and Animal in a "Four Corners" match and suffered a horrendous injury. 

During the bout, Sid took a leap of faith off the rope, trying to land a jumping big boot to the face of Steiner. He landed awkwardly on his lead leg, and snapped his tibula and fibula (video). A 17-inch rod was placed in his leg during the two-hour surgery. For a while, Vicious used a cane to walk. Sid later sued WCW, claiming that he was made to jump off the second rope against his objections. He contemplated retiring, but in 2004 returned to wrestling.

3. Anthony Van Loo (Football): This video from June 2009 is not of a player getting very, very sleepy in the middle of the game. This is what someone does when their heart stops and they die. Belgian footballer, Anthony Van Loo is the athlete in the video, and at the time it was filmed he was, literally, dead. He had a preexisting heart condition that probably should have kept him off the field, but he had been fitted with a defibrillator, which works by shocking the everliving daylights out of the heart to restore it to its normal rhythm after it, you know, stops beating.

When he dropped dead on the field, his entire team knew what had just happened. After all, the guy had a preexisting condition, and it's never good when a person who was standing relatively still crashes to the ground. Well, it only took a few seconds for his built-in miracle of modern medicine to kick his slacker heart's ass into gear, and you can see Van Loo sitting up shortly thereafter. He joined that tiny, elite group of humans who can tell you exactly what it's like to be dead.

Not only did he return from his trip to the great beyond, but he continued playing soccer, and in fact is still playing today.

2. Wayne Shelford (Rugby): There are certain moments during a rugby match in which all players concentrate on demolishing each other, and these moments have been given clever little names like "scrum" and "rucking." And outside of some ear protection (you know, so they don't get ripped off) and the cushioning of some enormous cojones, nobody wears any padding. Anyway, Wayne "Buck" Shelford was a professional rugby player in New Zealand. It was 1986, and the opponent was the French rugby team. The match was so incredibly intense that they named it the Battle of Nantes, after a major French Revolution battle. About 20 minutes into the match (video), Shelford found himself at the bottom of one of those "ruck" things, which is actually a writhing pile of really, really tough players in cleats who will do basically anything to get that ball. Consequently, during the melee, Shelford lost four teeth AND...oh my...had his scrotum ripped open by a cleat. He jogged off the field with a testicle hanging out of him. Literally. Hanging.

So what did Shelford do? Of course he's a tough dude. Instead of passing out and/or dying, Shelford had the trainer stitch him up right there on the bench. They even filmed the surgery and broadcast it on TV; and then Shelford went right back in and kept playing WITH A TORN SCROTUM. He eventually came out of the game with a concussion from a blow to the head, but stayed in the grandstand "watching" the remainder of the game. To this day, Shelford has no memory of the game.

1. Clint Malarchuk (Hockey): Malarchuk is a retired professional ice hockey goaltender. On March 22, 1989, during a hockey game between St. Louis Blues and  Buffalo Sabres, there was a crash on the ice between a couple of players and consequently one of the player's skate blade hit Malarchuk's neck and severed his jugular vein. Yes, THAT vein...you know...the one that professional killers slice because of the quickness of death. "With blood spurting from Malarchuk's throat onto the ice, he was able to leave the ice on his own feet with the assistance of his team's athletic trainer, Jim Pizzutelli. Many spectators were physically sickened by the sight. There were reports that eleven fans fainted, two more suffered heart attacks and three players vomited on the ice" (Wikipedia). The video footage is really disturbing. 

The only thing that kept Malarchuk alive was team trainer Pizzutelli, a former Army medic who had served in Vietnam. He reached into Malarchuk's neck and pinched off the bleeding, not letting go until doctors arrived to begin suturing the wound. 

Ninety minutes of surgery and 300 stitches later, doctors managed to save his life. Malarchuk spent just one night in the hospital and returned to practice four days later. A week after that, he was back goaltending.

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So, the next time your wimpy ass considers calling in sick for work because you have a hangover or a cold, remember these lunatics. As for the 2014 World Cup, I am rooting for 3 different teams: my birthplace (US), my heritage (Italy), and my love (England). The England vs. Italy match was a bear to sit through, but I would be ecstatic if any of these three teams win. Unlikely? Yes, but I can dream.