A Sad Farewell to my Very Special Furry Friend...

In the 48+ years that I've lived on this Earth, I have had my fair share of pets: cats, dogs, birds, fish, hamster, turtles, and even a salamander. There is something comforting about coming home to a friendly face that is only looking for some affection and the occasional meal. With all of my pets, I have had to face losing them - whether to death or needing to find them new homes for various reasons, but today was the worst possible scenario. 

Today, my beautiful and adoring cat, Lotta had to be surrendered to a local rescue because I was unable to find her a new home. Even though I have had to give up pets before, this task was the hardest I've ever had to do. Knowing that she will be in a cage until they can find her a new home breaks my heart. I didn't have any other choice but it doesn't mean that I feel good about what I did today. In fact, I feel like I've once again failed someone - an innocent sweet cat who only wanted to feel safe and protected and I couldn't provide that for her. Saying goodbye broke my heart and I don't know how I'll get over the guilt. The look she gave me as they took her away will haunt me for the rest of my life.

To my baby girl, Lotta: I apologize for leaving you in that place. I love you more than you will ever know and I can only hope that you find a new home with people who will understand what a magnificent companion you are. I will miss your beautiful furry face and your affectionate kisses. You were the best friend that anyone could ask for. I carry you in my heart forever!

Death With Dignity

Today, I stumbled upon a story of a 29-year old, bright, beautiful woman, Brittany Maynard, who is tragically dealing with terminal brain cancer. After discovering her brain tumor this past Spring, physicians have given her a life expectancy of 6 months. Brittany has made the courageous decision (along with her family) to leave their home in California in order to relocate to Oregon, one of only 5 states that has a death with dignity law. This law allows terminal patients the legal right to end their suffering, also known as physician-assisted death (PAD) or physician-assisted suicide (PAS). The other four states are Montana, New Mexico, Vermont, and Washington. On November 1, Brittany Maynard will take a lethal dose of a prescription medication and, surrounded by her loved ones, will die with dignity.

Here is the video that she recorded which explains so eloquently why she has made this decision (get your tissues out!):

Brittany and I are not all that different. We both have a terminal disease. We both want the most out of our lives (quality over quantity). We both love to travel and want to see as much of the world as we can with whatever time we have left. We both want to make decisions over our medical care that are the correct choices for us. I applaud Brittany and am in complete agreement with her.

I have long been a proponent of PAD. If my disease worsens to the point that I am no longer myself, I would like to have the opportunity to end my suffering. But 45 state governments have the right to tell me that I cannot. Instead, I would have to suffer unbearable pain and other indignities simply because the state in which I reside says that I cannot make end of life decisions for myself. Perhaps I should think about relocating to one of the 5 states that has death with dignity laws.

I personally am tired of governmental hacks telling me what I can and cannot do with my body. My reproductive rights are mine to decide. My end of life options should be left up to me and my loved ones, not the government. If you believe as I do, take action and get involved. Every terminally ill patient should have the right to die with dignity and only through grassroots action can change happen. Check out The Brittany Maynard Fund and Compassion & Choices or Death With Dignity websites. It's time to decriminalize PAD. 

Read more about Brittany's story in this Washington Post article.

The Moving Sale...

There is something to be said about having a bunch of strangers tramping through your house in order to sell all your worldly possessions. In about 1 week, I will not have a permanent home to call my own, therefore I needed to purge myself of nearly everything I own. It's strange to walk through your treasured possessions and place a price tag on them, but it was something that needed to be done. 

On Thursday and Friday, with detached determination and a friend's assistance, I went through every item in my household and decided their value. Because I needed to rid myself of an entire house of items, I think I was pretty reasonable with the pricing. I did not give items away nor did I expect to get a fortune out of the items. In order to garner as much traffic to my door as possible, I place an ad in Craiglist and strategically positioned "Moving Sale" signs all over my neighborhood with arrows pointing them in the right direction. (My apartment can be a little difficult to locate.) 

Yesterday morning, I woke and was ready to greet my first customers, who blatantly ignored the 8am start time and showed up at 7:30. Although to their credit, they didn't enter my building until 7:45 - slightly complaining that if they had known that the door was opened they wouldn't have waited so long. To which I responded that it wasn't quite 8am. They walked through the apartment for about 10 minutes, looked around, bought nothing, and left. After that came a whole host of ... erm ... interesting people. The couple who decided without asking that their Pekingese dog was welcome in my home. The family with a special needs child who allowed him to run amok in my house. The people who reeked of tobacco smoke. The woman who said I was brave for allowing people into my home because "you never know who might show up." The couple who showed up 30 minutes after end of the sale, asking if they could take a quick look, and then bought $1.50 worth of items. Ah, the public. Aren't they joyful? Now it wasn't all bad. I met some very nice people who were respectful and had a grand time purchasing my items. One guy even came back because he decided to buy something that he had seen earlier.

While I did not get rid of everything, my apartment is now fairly sparse and my wallet is slightly heavier. I will give one more try on various sites to sell the last of my belongings, but in 2 days if everything doesn't sell, I will gladly donate the rest. Dealing with flaky people is tiresome and I'd rather just cut my losses and give anything left to a good cause.

It's very freeing to rid oneself of all possessions with the exception of clothing and a few electronics. Everything I own now fits into a small corner of a room in my apartment.

The extent of my worldly possessions. I
probably still have too many clothes.

As for Lotta, I still have not found a new home for her and, sadly, it looks like I'm going to have to call the local feline rescue to see if they can find a temporary or permanent house for her. I didn't want to have to go this route but my back's against the wall. 

Accepting What Chaos Hands You...

Ever since I made the decision to not move forward with any further cancer treatment, I have been receiving a bevy of well meaning but mildly annoying statements - statements along the lines of: "my church is praying for a miracle for you", "miracles do happen", "take a pilgrimage to Lourdes", and such. While I appreciate the caring sentiment behind each statement, they're unrealistic and delusional.

I have a fatal disease, which, in a relatively brief amount of time, will end my life. I have accepted this news and I would like people to come to terms with the reality of life, which is that everyone has to face their demise at some point in their lives. We don't live forever (thank goodness!!).

Why are people so afraid of death? A friend of mine emailed the following sentiment to me: "Why are we taught to fight against death like it is something monstrous and horrifying when it is in fact as normal as birth?" Indeed. I couldn't agree more. She went on to say: "I applaud and deeply respect your ability to just say no to futile battles and to make the most of the time you have, filled with fun and fellowship and good times." I certainly am glad that there are people in my life who understand and support my decision without adding on the "praying for a cure/miracle" statements.

I am not and will not be looking for a cure, because there is none. I don't believe in miracles or the power of a higher being. What I believe is that everyone has a finite time on this Earth and I am close to reaching mine. I'm just happy to know roughly when my time will be up so I can enjoy whatever time I have left. Beats the proverbial 'being hit by a bus' any day. People keep telling me not to "give up", but I don't feel that I am giving up. I'm merely making a different choice than most people would make in this situation. I am choosing to embrace life AND death.

Besides I'm kind of interested in seeing what my next life will be. Time to roll the dice: come on, zoo polar bear! Although after watching the video below, I'd be okay with being a polar bear in the wild.

A (Mostly) Fully Planned Grand Tour of Europe...

When I decided to go on a Grand Tour of Europe, I had thought that I would only have a vague itinerary and wouldn't plan it very much. The idea was to have the wind blow me wherever it desired, but I neglected to remember something: I am a crazy, organized, anal-retentive freak. I cannot, no matter how much I try, be that carefree. Perhaps it's my German heritage. We all know how precise the Germans can be. 

As of today, I have nearly every step of the trip planned -- not to the minute, but in each desired location, I have a room, train, and air travel fully booked and paid for, plus a few sightseeing tickets. 

So much for being carefree and wild. It's just not in my nature.

Here is the completed itinerary:

Dates	Location	Sightseeing Trip Booked
Oct 21-24	Edinburgh, Scotland
Oct 25-28	London, England	Hampton Court/Windsor Castle Tour
Oct 29-Nov 1	Dublin, Ireland	Blarney Castle Tour
Nov 2-5	Amsterdam, The Netherlands	Anne Frank House/Van Gogh Museum/Rijksmuseum
Nov 6	Berlin, Germany
Nov 7-10	Prague, Czech Republic
Nov 11-13	Vienna, Austria
Nov 14-16	Salzburg, Austria	Mozart concert
Nov 17-19	Munich, Germany
Nov 20-24	Paris, France	Day Trips to Mont St. Michel and Versailles
Nov 25-28	Barcelona, Spain
Nov 29-30	Milan, Italy	Da Vinci’s Last Supper/Sforza Castle Tour
Dec 1-3	Venice, Italy
Dec 4-6	Florence, Italy	Tour of Pisa, San Gimignano, Siena
Dec 7-9	Rome, Italy
Dec 10-12	Naples, Italy	Tour of Pompeii and Amalfi Coast
Dec 13-14	Istanbul, Turkey
Dec 16-19	Athens, Greece	Walking tour of Athens/Trip to Cape Sounion
Dec 20	Flight home to the USA

 
Current cost: $4,800.

You will notice that I don't have everything planned. Just the big attractions that I didn't want to miss and/or didn't want to wait in a long queue when I got to the attraction. Don't be too jealous and keep checking regularly for posts from Europe starting October 21.

If you want to see how truly crazy and anal-retentive I am, check out my printed calendar!

Received this message in
a fortune cookie today. Hmmmmm....

On a different note, I still need to find a home for my cat, Lotta and I'm freaking out a bit because I leave for Philly in a week and half and must find her a home before I move. <sigh> I know I'm dragging my feet on this a bit because I'm going to miss her ever so much.

Living With Another Human Being

My crash pad in Philly. 

Do you live alone or with other people?

For the past, 20+ years, I have lived on my own -- ever since moving out of my parents' home. No roommates, no significant others, nothing. Over the course of those 20 years, I've always complained that my life has been a fairly lonely existence, but as the saying goes "watch what you wish for".

Let me start by saying: I love my eldest brother. He's funny, smart, and very verbose. Basically, he is me but older, taller and has a winkie. We're very much alike, although he's a more bellicose than I am. All that being said, this past weekend I received a glimpse of what it's going to be like sharing a living space with someone on two legs. It might get ugly quickly. :-)

It's me. After so many years of living alone, I'm going to find it very difficult living with another human -- even one that I love. I'm used to a certain way of living and having to adjust to another person's idiosyncrasies is going to be difficult. For example, I'm used to a certain quietness in my home. It's not nearly as peaceful at my brother's house. I don't watch the same shows that he does. (I do not get why The Simpsons is so amusing to some people.) I'm not even going to mention the one bathroom-two adult situation.

I will get used to it, I suppose but wow, teaching this old dog new tricks is going to be hard. Still, I thank him for allowing to crash in on his world. But I'm glad I'll be spending a considerable amount of the foreseeable future traveling so we don't kill each other.

Step 1 Completed - Flights Booked!

The first step toward taking my 2 month Grand Tour of Europe has been accomplished: flights are booked! Now the trip feels a little more real. While I knew that I was taking this step of traveling until I couldn't travel anymore, it seemed like a dream -- that is until I booked the flights.

Officially, I am leaving on Monday, October 20 and returning Saturday, December 20. I will be starting my tour in Edinburgh, Scotland and finishing in Athens, Greece. Tentatively, I've planned out the rest of my trip (see photo below), but all destinations are subject to change at my whim. Technically, I will be gone for 61 days, but only have about 40 days of travel actually planned. I may need to add a stop or two to my plans. Any suggestions?

Yes, this trip is really happening. Additionally, I have completed a couple of other minor steps for this trip: purchased a new backpack, walking shoes, and a few other necessities. But the purchase of the plane tickets guarantees that I cannot turn back now - nor do I want to turn back. There is still so much to do before I leave, but I am just that much closer.

The Last Days of School...

A student wrote this!

I don't think I've had a more emotional, gut wrenching, yet utterly amazing week. You see, this week I had to say goodbye to my students and colleagues. Most people go through life not knowing whether or not they made an impact, which is especially true for teachers. But every so often, we do get an answer.

I am overwhelmed and humbled with the outpouring of love and affection from everyone at my school. Most people who know me, know that I am not a fan of being in the spotlight. It's a strange thing for a performer to say. Usually we want to be front and center, but I have never been someone who likes having a fuss made over them, particularly as a teacher. I think everything should be about the students and not about me.

Therefore, when school started yesterday and I learned that the students had decided to make it "Ms. Smith Day" at BMF, I was floored and ever so slightly embarrassed. But as it was the wish of my amazing cherubs to have this day, I was more than willing to let myself be fussed over and you know what, everyone should have a chance to have a day all to themselves. It is a reminder that we are all worthwhile, special, and amazing people who deserve to be celebrated. I know, you'll say "Well that's what birthdays are for!" I hate birthdays... or let me say I hate celebrating my birthday. A random day that suddenly becomes your celebration day is way cooler.

Just some of the amazing things that happened yesterday and today were: a beautiful tribute read over the PA (see photo below), "Ms. Smith Day" t-shirts worn by students and colleagues to celebrate my big day, more cards and letters than I have ever had in my life and will take me days and days to read (mostly because I keep crying every time I read one), flowers, posterboards with messages, a t-shirt signed by students, delicious Dominican food, yummy cake, monetary gifts (which was way too much, but incredibly sweet), drawings, and other small gifts. As wonderful and sweet as all of these things were, the most important aspect was the students (both current and former -- plus one set of parents) who came to my classroom before and after school to spent time with me - even though it was through many tears but also laughter. I even received visits from students that had graduated last year and the year before. Wow!

A beautiful tribute!

My heart is breaking that I have to leave my BMF family. For the past two years, I have had the most amazing ride and I hate that it is ending. I made a vow to my students though, that each day that I have left will be dedicated to them. My travels are for them to learn from and live through. While my body is in Europe and wherever else it takes me, my heart will forever be with my students. 

To my students: I love you always and forever!

The sheer magnitude is astounding!

What Am I Looking Forward To?

With most people knowing about my upcoming travel plans of jetting around Europe for 2 months, many people keep asking me what I am looking forward to seeing the most. This is a really hard question to answer. Over the course of the 2 months that I'm there, I am planning to pack in a lot of sites that I have been wanting to see for decades. To narrow my favorites to just one or two of the most important things is nearly impossible. 

Here is just a short list of the places that I'm planning to visit and am beyond excited to see:

• Edinburgh Castle in Edinburgh, Scotland
• Hampton Court Palace and Windsor Castle outside of London, England
• British Museum in London, England
• Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, The Netherlands
• Prague Castle in Prague, Czech Republic
• Mozart's Birthplace/Residence in Salzburg, Austria
• Mozarthaus in Vienna, Austria
• Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, Germany
• Residenz (palace) and Nymphemburg Palace in Munich, Germany
• Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, France (this is a revisit of a favorite place)
• Chateau de Versailles in Versailles, France (another revisit)
• Mont Saint-Michel in Le Mont Saint-Michel, France
• Castles tour in the Loire Valley, France
• Picasso Museum in Barcelona, Spain
• Too many places to list from Venice, Florence and Rome (all are revisits)
• Pompeii and Vesuvius outside of Naples, Italy
• The Acropolis in Athens, Greece
• Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey (this is a wish site - not sure if I'll get to Istanbul)

Looking at this amazing list of just some of the places I plan on seeing while traveling around Europe. How could I choose just one or two to say are the ones I'm most looking forward to seeing? You'll notice there are a number of castles on the list. I admit, I'm a castle whore. I just love visiting them! 

While the underlying reason for why I can take this trip to Europe sucks the big weenie, I am just thrilled to be able to spend the time I have exploring the magnificence that is Europe! I wish I could take you all with me, but you'll have to just be happy to follow my exploits on my blog. 

Estimated Date of Departure: mid-October (somewhere around the 19th)

A Reflection on the Teaching Profession...

As I am about to finish my final week of teaching, I would like to reflect on my teaching career, which is being cut painfully short.

Back in 1984, after graduating high school, I had fully intended to go to college in order to become a teacher -- granted the plan was to be a music teacher and not the English teacher I am today, but a teacher all the same...until I derailed my teaching career. You see, 2 years into my college education, I decided that I wanted to take a chance and pursue a performing career. I was going to "take Broadway by storm". Well, we know what that outcome was. It was less of a storm and more of a breeze. After years of being an unsuccessful performer, I finally decided to complete my education (changing my major from music to English) in order to go back to the original plan of being a teacher.

Over two years ago, I embarked on my career change into education and even though it was grueling, exhausting, and occasionally soul sucking, I'm glad I at least got a chance to experience the teaching profession. For anyone who has never taught, you'll never really fully appreciate how hard teachers work and what a roller coaster ride it is to teach.

Here are the good points and bad points of teaching:

Good points:

• The students: I have mentioned this before but it bears repeating - my students are awesome. They are funny, witty, and intelligent youngsters. The thing I will miss the most about teaching are my students. 
• Grading: Believe it or not, I actually really love grading student work. There's something zen about sitting at my desk with a stack of papers that need to be graded. 
• Lesson planning: Yes, lesson planning is difficult and time consuming, but there's also something fun about putting together a lesson that will (hopefully) engage my students. It's like doing a really complicated jigsaw puzzle.
• Every day is different: I have 140 students on my roster and I see each student anywhere from 3-4 times a week due to the rotating schedule that my school has. Depending on what day it is and when during the day I see them, the students can be as different as night and day. Therefore, my days are totally unpredictable. Some people hate that aspect, but I love it. Corporate is boring by comparison.
• My colleagues: I'm very lucky where I work in that my school has a pretty amazing set of teachers. They are funny, collaborative, and tireless workers whose only goals and wishes are to improve the minds of our kiddos.

Bad points:

• Crazy long hours: No, teachers do not just work from 8-3. I get to school at 7am and consider myself lucky if I leave before 4pm. Plus, I often take work home with me and at least one day on the weekend is given to lesson planning. Conservatively, I work 50-55 hours a week and even in the summer, I have to begin lesson planning and take classes. Only bad teachers work from 8-3.
• Insane amounts of paperwork: Between lesson plans, handouts for students, and all the other tasks that goes into teaching, there is a crazy amount of paper that gets consumed in a day. I have killed many a tree over the past 2 years.
• Severe underpayment: Considering what teachers have to do to be effective at their jobs, we do not get paid nearly enough. Now I didn't go into teaching for money - no teacher does, but that doesn't mean that I'm not somewhat annoyed at the teeny tiny paycheck that I get every two weeks. Plumbers make more money than I do.
• Exhaustion: I know I've been going through a lot of medical stuff during my 2+ years of teaching, but the exhaustion that every teacher feels is real. It is the most grueling work ever because you literally have to be on for the entire time that you teach. Because there is a certain level of performance in being a teacher, it's definitely the hardest acting job that I've ever done. 
• Dealing with behavioral problems: Yeah, classroom management is a nightmare. I hate to do it, I'm really bad at it, and it wears me down every day. One of the biggest reasons for my exhaustion is trying to keep my very rambunctious students on task, off their phones, and engaged in the material. Basically, there are days where I could light my hair on fire, juggle live chainsaws, and sing a song and my students wouldn't care in the least. I won't miss those days.

While there are equal amounts of bad points to teaching as there are good points, all in all there is not a more rewarding career than teaching. Sadly, I only taught 2 years out of the 20-25 that I had planned when I started out, which makes me sad. Yet another thing that can be added to my list of regrets.

On Friday, I will say goodbye to my students knowing that I did the best I could for them and hope with all my might that I was an effective and inspiring teacher. I will miss my little cherubs immensely and will carry them in my heart forever.

Sad to be Leaving the Port...

In a little more than a month, I'll be moving away from the home I've lived in for the past 3+ years, which historically is the average length of time that I stay in any one location. How I got to this town was a fluke. In an attempt to find a new place to live after nearly 20 years of living in that dirty, smelly, rat-infested NYC, I traveled north at the suggestion of a colleague to check out Portsmouth, NH as a possible option for my new home. On my way home, I stopped in Newburyport in order to visit a friend who lived here and fell in love with this quaint old New England town. I was sold!

What do I love about the Port? Where do I start? There's so much to love about this town: an amazing library, a beautiful river walk, many sweet little stores, great restaurants, historic Federalist style buildings, and incredibly friendly people. Yes, there is this weird underbelly heroin problem in this little town, but that doesn't take away from the beauty of this town. Also, I figured that Newburyport would be the closest thing to actually living in a small town in the English countryside, which has always been a dream for me. Really the only things missing from my dream are the British accents! 

But now I have to once again uproot myself from a beloved home. I will be sad to say goodbye to this amazing little town. I will miss the pretty walks, the great restaurants, the library - my home away from home. However, I will NOT miss the insane amount of snow that we get on occasion. Most of all I will miss the incredible friends that I have made here. You see, despite being a Yankee fan and an outsider, I have been accepted by the best people who live here and will miss them terribly while I go traipsing around the world. But I will leave a little piece of my heart here in the Port!

If you have never visited Newburyport, I highly recommend it. 

Flavor of the Month...

Unsurprisingly, I suppose, there has been a lot of crying in my school ... particularly in my classroom ... over the past week. You see, I have a 140 students on my roster. Of those 140, I would say 125 are consistently showing up for class. I have developed a very nice rapport with most of the 125, plus there are about a dozen students whom I actually taught 2 years ago when they were Freshman.

Therefore, when I had to tell them about the cancer recurrence and then ultimately my decision to leave teaching and not do any further treatment, my students took it pretty hard. One student told me that she cried for 3 hours. I hate that I'm putting my students through this much distress, but I also know something else - I am the flavor of the month. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely flattered by the outpouring of love that my students are giving me and I know that they sincerely mean every word that they say, but I also know that when they say "Oh, miss, you're the best teacher I've ever had", I do feel ever so slightly skeptical. You see, most of these students I have taught them precisely 3 weeks. Erm, yeah, it's almost impossible to discern how good a teacher anyone would be in 3 weeks. 

Therefore, it's a honeymoon period/flavor of the month/cancer combination that has them feeling such strong emotions toward my decision to leave and not pursue treatment. But it is also a further indication that quitting my teaching job -- much as I love it and think that I'm getting better at it -- is the correct option. If they are taking this news so hard now, what would it be like if I were to stay a few more months. No, much as I will miss my little cherubs and love them more than they will ever know, I know that my decision was the wisest that I could make. Next week, when I leave my school for the last time as a teacher, I will leave with a heavy and sad heart, but knowing that I'm doing the right thing for my kids!

Starting to Say Goodbye...to Things

I've never been good at saying "goodbye" to people and things. It's true that I've gotten better over the past few years, but letting go is still really, really difficult for me. Looking around my apartment, I'm a little overwhelmed at the sheer magnitude of the amount of stuff that I need to purge from my life over the next few weeks. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm not terribly sentimental, but I'm also not a heartless biotch (no matter what others have said to the contrary). 

Yesterday, I started making a little bit of a dent in purging things in my apartment. I started with little things that don't make a huge difference. I pulled all of my teacher books and materials which I'm bringing to school on Monday to donate to my colleagues (I gave my 2 week notice on Friday). I tossed my college notes and papers (yep, still had them) and middle and high school year books with only a little emotion over the yearbooks. Then, I howled with laughter, scanned, posted on Facebook, and then trashed my 6th grade class photo. Why the hell I still had my 6th grade class photo I have no idea! Man, the fashions in the late 70s were awful! Next to go, miscellaneous photos that aren't worth passing along to someone else and then I posted some collectible items on Ebay. Finally, last night, I went through my jewelry box and sorted out the "good" jewelry from the "junk" jewelry. This morning, I started on my clothing - creating two piles: one for consignment, one for charity. I've made a good start on a HUGE task and feel pretty good to finally get rid of stuff that I don't actually need (like my college notes and papers)!

There is one task which I should have started immediately: making a supreme effort to find a new home is my baby girl, Lotta, but I'm dragging my feet on completing this task. How do I say goodbye to the one of the few things that literally gives me unconditional love?!?! When I come home, she greets me every time at the door. Most nights, she sleeps next to me on my bed. Plus she is a constant source of amusement. How can I send this lovely fur face away?? I've considered taking her to the local feline rescue but I don't want to stress her out. Actually, that's only partially true, I also just don't want to say to goodbye to her. I know the longer I take to find her a new home, the harder it's going to be to let her go. <sigh>

My little sweetheart has to find a new home
and it's going to break my heart to say goodbye!

If you are or someone you know is looking for a loving, albeit mischievous, cat, please let me know! Meanwhile, I will continue to purge the stuff that I won't be selling at my upcoming moving sale. North Shore area friends: get your cash ready! There's lots and lots of stuff to that needs to go!