What Do You Wear to a Pity Party?

If they served cupcakes at a pity
party, I'd have one all the time!

Here's the latest update on the cancer fight...

I truly hate being pitied by other people and loathe it twice as much when I pity myself.  Therefore, in general, I try not to indulge in self-pity, but I suppose I am human and will occasionally fail at my best intentions. I spent a good portion of Sunday and Monday feeling angry, sad and sorry for myself. I kept thinking "Why me?", "It's not fair", "I'm tired of this crap", "Maybe it's time to wave the white flag and give up", and a few other choice statements. Yeah, I'm not proud of this behavior, but there's something to be said about allowing myself to feel this way even briefly as I think I got some of it out of my system. Today was a better mental day overall.

What caused this unusual attitude? It's pretty simple - I am feeling incredibly ill which is taking a toll on my psyche. Coping with nearly constant nausea, neuropathy, excruciating joint and muscle pain, headache, insomnia, crushing fatigue, chemo brain, and taste changes would affect anyone's emotions. Adding to all the physical pain is the emotional stress of dealing with a potentially fatal disease, wondering how I'm going to go back to work in a couple weeks and have the necessary energy and mental acuity that teaching requires, the financial strain that fighting this disease is causing, and the loneliness of carrying this solitary burden. Looking at all those factors, it's no wonder that I might take the occasional walk down the pity path. A friend of mine said that I should give myself a break because anyone would feel this way on occasion. I suppose she's correct.

How to battle this state of mind? Keep moving forward and try to find some enjoyment where I can - whether it's reading a good book, watching reruns of Seinfeld or The Big Bang Theory, or just spending time with my cat. It's not perfect, but it's the best I can do at the moment. Here's hoping that there's something better around the next corner.

Hmmm... What to wear....

Second Chemotherapy Treatment Completed...

This is the machine I am
tethered to for 5 hours!

...Let the games begin.

I wish someone could explain why sitting in a chair getting treatment for 5 hours is quite possibly one of the longest and most exhausting day EVER! I walked out feeling like someone had pummeled me. 

The day was pretty similar to what I wrote about in my Chemotherapy Begins! posting, but I thought I'd describe some of the things that I didn't before.  For instance, have you ever not had the use of one hand for 5 hours and you still are trying to be productive. Due to the placement of the needle on the top of my left hand, I'm limited to only using my right hand. I'm grateful that I'm right-handed, but we tend to forget how many things we need both hands to do efficiently. 

Examples: Opening a bottle of water one-handed is always interesting, or doing a crossword puzzle or reading. It's really hard to keep books open with one hand. But the most annoying task is toity breaks.  Ever try going to the bathroom with only being able to use one hand - in addition to dragging along a rather large piece of equipment (see photo above) and trying not moving the aforementioned left hand. I challenge you to try it. It's a pain in the arse! In fact, I challenge everyone to bandage up their non-dominant hand and try to do things for a few hours using only your dominant hand.  It's an interesting exercise.

Otherwise, there is not much else to report. I fully expect the next few days will be less than spectacular. Too bad as the weather is supposed to be amazing over the next few days and I'd rather be out and about.  Maybe I can muddle through and still go and do something fun.

* * *

I'd like to give special thanks to a few people who sent/brought me some amazing items - all of these gifts were received yesterday (July 25) and they are fantastic! Shout outs to: my New Jersey-bred, Texas-residing cousin who sent me a real Texas cowgirl hat; my book club who chipped in to purchase a Ninja Master Prep to help me make some delicious fruit smoothies; and last but not least, two of my dearest friends in NYC who sent a "Sandi Survival Kit" which consists of: dvds of some of my favorite movies/shows to cheer me up, bath products to pamper myself, a survivor t-shirt and hat, an Amazon Kindle gift certificate, the softest, most fun colorful socks, and a gift certificate for Wendy's - when smoothies just won't do it and I need a Frosty.  :-)  Thank you, my friends and family. You're the best, most amazing people and I am grateful to have you in my life!

Actions Speak Louder Than Words...

I know, I know – I hate platitudes too, but this one ("actions speak louder than words") is one aphorism that I believe in wholeheartedly! Doesn't it frustrate you when people make promises and then don't back it up with actions or after the fact, say "I really wanted to <blah, blah, blah>"? I know this behavior drives me insane; I can't imagine that other people don't feel the same.  

I don't have a specific story to tell... Actually, that's not true. I have hundreds of stories that I could tell, dating back to in utero promises from my parents that never happened, but I don't want to bog everyone down with minutiae or live in the past.

Here's my advice: Before you make promises that you are unwilling to backup with actions, don't bother saying the words. They end up ringing hollow and annoy the heck out of the person for whom the promise is made. My suggestion, hedge your bets. Instead of promising, say this statement instead: "I cannot promise that I will <fill in the blank>, but I will do my best to <yada, yada, yada>." See, that makes sense. Oh, and saying something after the fact is a cop out. You most likely don't mean it, so don't say it. Of course, this advice comes from someone who has been burned too many times that she takes what people promise with a grain of salt and is surprised when a person actually comes through on their promise.

Gary Puckett and the Union Gap said it best – Don't Make Promises (That You Can't Keep) (video by me):

Secondary Primary Cancers Are a Rarity...

Quite an ugly flower, but rare!

I have always known that I was a rare flower; something along the lines of  the rather hideous, but extremely rare, Rafflesia arnoldii (also known as the "corpse flower"). While undertaking a bit of research last night, I discovered that only 1 to 3 percent of cancer survivors develop a secondary primary cancer. Yes, that's how unique I am. 

What is a secondary primary cancer? A secondary primary cancer ("SPC") refers to the presence of a second unrelated cancer occurring in someone who has had another cancer at some time in the past. For example, you could survive prostate cancer and then years later end up with melanoma. One cancer has nothing to do with the other. SPC is different from metastatic cancer which is the spread of the primary cancer to another organ usually through the blood or lymph nodes.

Unfortunately, extensive research has not been carried out on SPCs and why some people have a greater risk in developing a second cancer over other people, but researchers believe that some of the factors may be: the type of initial cancer, patient's age at diagnosis, types of chemotherapy and/or radiation used to cure the first cancer, family history, genetics, and/or lifestyle. SPCs can occur at any time during survivorship, but usually develop in the five to nine years after completion of the first treatment. For the record, my SPC (endometrial cancer) was diagnosed 5 years and 2 months after I finished treatment for breast cancer. Wow! How is that for luck?

Interestingly, not only do I have a secondary primary cancer, but that cancer just happens to be metastatic! I wonder if anyone has come up with a statistic about how often that occurs. I'm guessing it's a fairly low number. You know, thinking about it, I think I'd rather not be quite so sui generis. Where can I sign up for an ordinary, boring life?

Why I am bringing this matter up is to convey the advice of physicians. Think about this advice if you are ever diagnosed with cancer and are concerned over SPCs - Secondary cancers are extremely rare (and even more uncommon for SPCs to be a result of treatment of the first cancer); therefore, listen to your doctor and treat that cancer with whatever treatments available to you. The benefits of treatment outweigh the extremely slim possibility of getting an SPC. Try to not to think about my shitty luck when deciding your treatment options.

* * *

In other news, I decided I was tired of cleaning up tons of hairs around the apartment and seeing them slough off like snakeskin in the shower. Today, I went to my hairdresser and off it went! Why didn't I think to buzz it off before last week's heat wave?!?!  

If you like the photo on the left, please check out my Travel Photo site and view all the photos from my sightseeing tour of Salem, Marblehead and Beverly Farms.

"Gone Girl" Is a Page Turner!

It's been awhile since I've done a book review, even though I've read a half dozen or so books since the last review.  I decided that I will only review books that I feel are worth everyone's while to read. Most of the books I've recently read fall into the average to crap category; therefore, not worth your time reading them, or really even, my time reviewing them.  But Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn is one book well worth the time. 

What would you do if one day you came home and your wife was missing and the police think you're responsible for her disappearance? 

Summary:  "On a warm summer morning in North Carthage, Missouri, it is Nick and Amy Dunne’s fifth wedding anniversary. Presents are being wrapped and reservations are being made when Nick’s clever and beautiful wife disappears from their rented McMansion on the Mississippi River. Husband-of-the-Year Nick isn’t doing himself any favors with cringe-worthy daydreams about the slope and shape of his wife’s head, but passages from Amy's diary reveal the alpha-girl perfectionist could have put anyone dangerously on edge. Under mounting pressure from the police and the media – as well as Amy’s fiercely doting parents – the town golden boy parades an endless series of lies, deceits, and inappropriate behavior. Nick is oddly evasive, and he’s definitely bitter – but is he really a killer? 

As the cops close in, every couple in town is soon wondering how well they know the one that they love. With his twin sister, Margo, at his side, Nick stands by his innocence. Trouble is, if Nick didn’t do it, where is that beautiful wife? And what was in that silvery gift box hidden in the back of her bedroom closet?" (Amazon.com)

Review:  This novel is first Gillian Flynn book that I've read and I'm looking forward to reading more of her books. Less of a mystery and more of a psychological thriller, Gone Girl keeps the reader mesmerized. It is a gripping story of the courtship and marriage of a narcissist and a sociopath. They appear to be experiencing the normal setbacks of life during the recent financial meltdown: job losses, relocation, mounting debt, family illness and death, etc. It is easy to identify with them individually, which makes it harder to know who to root for when the wife disappears on the morning of their fifth wedding anniversary and the husband becomes the prime suspect. Neither seems to be telling the whole truth, yet they both remain engaging. Each one alternates as narrator (the wife through diary entries written before her disappearance), so not only does the point-of-view shift, but so does our allegiance. The climax is startling, but also, strangely inevitable. Filled with humor and insight, snarky and witty banter, and enough murder and mayhem to satisfy even the most jaded reader, it is a peculiar hybrid that is hard to resist.

I will say that not much surprised me in the book, but other readers were very surprised by the many interesting plot twists. It is definitely worth the read. I finished this 432-page book under two days - making it a true page turner.  Fair warning: there is no Hollywood ending here and the book is the better for it!

Rating: 4 out of 5

What Animal Are You?

No, I don't mean this Animal!

This information was posted by a friend of mine on Facebook and I thought it looked like fun. It's simple - look up your birthday and then check below to see what your animal says about you.  Is it accurate??  For the record, I'm a cat and seems fairly accurate; although far from a perfect accounting of me.

What Animal Are You?

January 01 - 09 ~ Dog
January 10 - 24 ~ Mouse
January 25 - 31 ~ Lion

February 01 - 05 ~ Cat
February 06 - 14 ~ Dove
February 15 - 21 ~ Turtle
February 22 - 28 ~ Panther

March 01 - 12 ~ Monkey
March 13 - 15 ~ Lion
March 16 - 23 ~ Mouse
March 24 - 31 ~ Cat

April 01 - 03 ~ Dog
April 04 - 14 ~ Panther
April 15 - 26 ~ Mouse
April 27 - 30 ~ Turtle

May 01 - 13 ~ Monkey
May 14 - 21 ~ Dove
May 22 - 31 ~ Lion

June 01 - 03 ~ Mouse
June 04 - 14 ~ Turtle
June 15 - 20 ~ Dog
June 21 - 24 ~ Monkey
June 25 - 30 ~ Cat

July 01 - 09 ~ Mouse
July 10 - 15 ~ Dog
July 16 - 26 ~ Dove
July 27 - 31 ~ Cat

August 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
August 16 - 25 ~ Mouse
August 26 - 31 ~ Turtle

September 01 - 14 ~ Dove
September 15 - 27 ~ Cat
September 28 - 30 ~ Dog

October 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
October 16 - 27 ~ Turtle
October 28 - 31 ~ Panther

November 01 - 16 ~ Lion
November 17 - 30 ~ Cat

December 01 - 16 ~ Dog
December 17 - 25 ~ Monkey
December 26 - 31 ~ Dove

If you are a Dog : A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified.

If you are a Mouse : Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

If you are a Lion : Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. Popular and easy-going. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. People love the way you always treat them. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!

If you are a Cat : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Turtle : You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a Dove : You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love.

If you are a Panther : You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If you are a Monkey : Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!

Hey, Hey, It's the Monkees!

I had a near religious experience this past Tuesday, but first a little background information:

In September 1975, television stations bought the syndication rights to and began re-running episodes of The Monkees television show, which originally ran from September 1966 to March 1968 and I began watching these shows and was immediately enthralled. I remember my best friend and I would get off the school bus each afternoon and run to one of our houses to watch the show. The antics of these 4 talented performers enthralled my 9-year old self! From the first drum beat, I was hooked and in love - to varying degrees - with each of these boys; although Micky will always be my favorite. 

But my life long love of the Monkees was not limited to merely the watching of the show. The first album I ever bought with my own money (circa 1976) was the Monkees self titled debut album and I then spent the next dozen or so years purchasing and memorizing every album. In the mid-80s, thanks to MTV and Nickelodeon marathons of the original series, the Monkees enjoyed a resurgence. During that time, I purchased a VHS of their one and only full length movie, Head, at the ridonkulous cost of $80! It was worth every penny spent! On June 6, 1986, I was lucky enough to attend a 20th Anniversary Tour concert with 3 of the 4 Monkees (Micky, Davy and Peter) at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ. In the mid-90s, Rhino released a home videorecording of the series which I eagerly plunked down some hard earned cash to own. I have since replaced the VHS copies with digital copies of the series. I've read books, bought memorabilia, watched biopics and a quasi-factional movie called Daydream Believers, etc. What can you conclude from this background? I am the ultimate fan/geek of the Monkees!

Here's where the near religious experience comes to play. Through the largesse of a friend of mine, this past Tuesday, I attended a concert at the Wang Theatre in Boston of the "A Midsummer's Night with the Monkees" tour (the 2nd show in the tour) and it was an unbelievable night. For the casual Monkees fan, this concert would have been just okay.  But for the fanatic, this performance was a dream come true. The reason I say that is because they didn't just sing all the greatest hits. They played songs that the casual or non-fan wouldn't necessarily know. Additionally, we were lucky to enough to have the most amazing seats: 13 rows from the stage and dead center! They sounded and looked amazing! I have been to a reasonable amount of concerts in my life and this one ranked right up there as one of the best of the best! There were only 2 things missing from this show. Sadly, one was the absence of Davy Jones (may he rest in peace), but kudos to the band for the amazing tribute to their fallen comrade. The second was the breakdown of a credit card machine. Just as I was getting ready to purchase a concert t-shirt, the machine crapped out. Gah! So annoying. Otherwise, it was a perfect evening!

Thank you, Micky, Mike and Peter for granting me this generous gift.  I can die a happy girl.

Just a few out of the many photos I took!

For the rest of my concert photos, check out my Monkees concert photo gallery. Some photos are a little fuzzy but what can you expect from a concert where people are practically dancing in their seats! If you want to see the complete set list of songs, check out this Rolling Stone article.  How many of these songs do you know by heart?  Me?  All of them!

Below is a video of one of my favorite songs, "She":