What Do You Wear to a Pity Party?

If they served cupcakes at a pity
party, I'd have one all the time!

Here's the latest update on the cancer fight...

I truly hate being pitied by other people and loathe it twice as much when I pity myself.  Therefore, in general, I try not to indulge in self-pity, but I suppose I am human and will occasionally fail at my best intentions. I spent a good portion of Sunday and Monday feeling angry, sad and sorry for myself. I kept thinking "Why me?", "It's not fair", "I'm tired of this crap", "Maybe it's time to wave the white flag and give up", and a few other choice statements. Yeah, I'm not proud of this behavior, but there's something to be said about allowing myself to feel this way even briefly as I think I got some of it out of my system. Today was a better mental day overall.

What caused this unusual attitude? It's pretty simple - I am feeling incredibly ill which is taking a toll on my psyche. Coping with nearly constant nausea, neuropathy, excruciating joint and muscle pain, headache, insomnia, crushing fatigue, chemo brain, and taste changes would affect anyone's emotions. Adding to all the physical pain is the emotional stress of dealing with a potentially fatal disease, wondering how I'm going to go back to work in a couple weeks and have the necessary energy and mental acuity that teaching requires, the financial strain that fighting this disease is causing, and the loneliness of carrying this solitary burden. Looking at all those factors, it's no wonder that I might take the occasional walk down the pity path. A friend of mine said that I should give myself a break because anyone would feel this way on occasion. I suppose she's correct.

How to battle this state of mind? Keep moving forward and try to find some enjoyment where I can - whether it's reading a good book, watching reruns of Seinfeld or The Big Bang Theory, or just spending time with my cat. It's not perfect, but it's the best I can do at the moment. Here's hoping that there's something better around the next corner.

Hmmm... What to wear....

Second Chemotherapy Treatment Completed...

This is the machine I am
tethered to for 5 hours!

...Let the games begin.

I wish someone could explain why sitting in a chair getting treatment for 5 hours is quite possibly one of the longest and most exhausting day EVER! I walked out feeling like someone had pummeled me. 

The day was pretty similar to what I wrote about in my Chemotherapy Begins! posting, but I thought I'd describe some of the things that I didn't before.  For instance, have you ever not had the use of one hand for 5 hours and you still are trying to be productive. Due to the placement of the needle on the top of my left hand, I'm limited to only using my right hand. I'm grateful that I'm right-handed, but we tend to forget how many things we need both hands to do efficiently. 

Examples: Opening a bottle of water one-handed is always interesting, or doing a crossword puzzle or reading. It's really hard to keep books open with one hand. But the most annoying task is toity breaks.  Ever try going to the bathroom with only being able to use one hand - in addition to dragging along a rather large piece of equipment (see photo above) and trying not moving the aforementioned left hand. I challenge you to try it. It's a pain in the arse! In fact, I challenge everyone to bandage up their non-dominant hand and try to do things for a few hours using only your dominant hand.  It's an interesting exercise.

Otherwise, there is not much else to report. I fully expect the next few days will be less than spectacular. Too bad as the weather is supposed to be amazing over the next few days and I'd rather be out and about.  Maybe I can muddle through and still go and do something fun.

* * *

I'd like to give special thanks to a few people who sent/brought me some amazing items - all of these gifts were received yesterday (July 25) and they are fantastic! Shout outs to: my New Jersey-bred, Texas-residing cousin who sent me a real Texas cowgirl hat; my book club who chipped in to purchase a Ninja Master Prep to help me make some delicious fruit smoothies; and last but not least, two of my dearest friends in NYC who sent a "Sandi Survival Kit" which consists of: dvds of some of my favorite movies/shows to cheer me up, bath products to pamper myself, a survivor t-shirt and hat, an Amazon Kindle gift certificate, the softest, most fun colorful socks, and a gift certificate for Wendy's - when smoothies just won't do it and I need a Frosty.  :-)  Thank you, my friends and family. You're the best, most amazing people and I am grateful to have you in my life!

Actions Speak Louder Than Words...

I know, I know – I hate platitudes too, but this one ("actions speak louder than words") is one aphorism that I believe in wholeheartedly! Doesn't it frustrate you when people make promises and then don't back it up with actions or after the fact, say "I really wanted to <blah, blah, blah>"? I know this behavior drives me insane; I can't imagine that other people don't feel the same.  

I don't have a specific story to tell... Actually, that's not true. I have hundreds of stories that I could tell, dating back to in utero promises from my parents that never happened, but I don't want to bog everyone down with minutiae or live in the past.

Here's my advice: Before you make promises that you are unwilling to backup with actions, don't bother saying the words. They end up ringing hollow and annoy the heck out of the person for whom the promise is made. My suggestion, hedge your bets. Instead of promising, say this statement instead: "I cannot promise that I will <fill in the blank>, but I will do my best to <yada, yada, yada>." See, that makes sense. Oh, and saying something after the fact is a cop out. You most likely don't mean it, so don't say it. Of course, this advice comes from someone who has been burned too many times that she takes what people promise with a grain of salt and is surprised when a person actually comes through on their promise.

Gary Puckett and the Union Gap said it best – Don't Make Promises (That You Can't Keep) (video by me):

Secondary Primary Cancers Are a Rarity...

Quite an ugly flower, but rare!

I have always known that I was a rare flower; something along the lines of  the rather hideous, but extremely rare, Rafflesia arnoldii (also known as the "corpse flower"). While undertaking a bit of research last night, I discovered that only 1 to 3 percent of cancer survivors develop a secondary primary cancer. Yes, that's how unique I am. 

What is a secondary primary cancer? A secondary primary cancer ("SPC") refers to the presence of a second unrelated cancer occurring in someone who has had another cancer at some time in the past. For example, you could survive prostate cancer and then years later end up with melanoma. One cancer has nothing to do with the other. SPC is different from metastatic cancer which is the spread of the primary cancer to another organ usually through the blood or lymph nodes.

Unfortunately, extensive research has not been carried out on SPCs and why some people have a greater risk in developing a second cancer over other people, but researchers believe that some of the factors may be: the type of initial cancer, patient's age at diagnosis, types of chemotherapy and/or radiation used to cure the first cancer, family history, genetics, and/or lifestyle. SPCs can occur at any time during survivorship, but usually develop in the five to nine years after completion of the first treatment. For the record, my SPC (endometrial cancer) was diagnosed 5 years and 2 months after I finished treatment for breast cancer. Wow! How is that for luck?

Interestingly, not only do I have a secondary primary cancer, but that cancer just happens to be metastatic! I wonder if anyone has come up with a statistic about how often that occurs. I'm guessing it's a fairly low number. You know, thinking about it, I think I'd rather not be quite so sui generis. Where can I sign up for an ordinary, boring life?

Why I am bringing this matter up is to convey the advice of physicians. Think about this advice if you are ever diagnosed with cancer and are concerned over SPCs - Secondary cancers are extremely rare (and even more uncommon for SPCs to be a result of treatment of the first cancer); therefore, listen to your doctor and treat that cancer with whatever treatments available to you. The benefits of treatment outweigh the extremely slim possibility of getting an SPC. Try to not to think about my shitty luck when deciding your treatment options.

* * *

In other news, I decided I was tired of cleaning up tons of hairs around the apartment and seeing them slough off like snakeskin in the shower. Today, I went to my hairdresser and off it went! Why didn't I think to buzz it off before last week's heat wave?!?!  

If you like the photo on the left, please check out my Travel Photo site and view all the photos from my sightseeing tour of Salem, Marblehead and Beverly Farms.

"Gone Girl" Is a Page Turner!

It's been awhile since I've done a book review, even though I've read a half dozen or so books since the last review.  I decided that I will only review books that I feel are worth everyone's while to read. Most of the books I've recently read fall into the average to crap category; therefore, not worth your time reading them, or really even, my time reviewing them.  But Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn is one book well worth the time. 

What would you do if one day you came home and your wife was missing and the police think you're responsible for her disappearance? 

Summary:  "On a warm summer morning in North Carthage, Missouri, it is Nick and Amy Dunne’s fifth wedding anniversary. Presents are being wrapped and reservations are being made when Nick’s clever and beautiful wife disappears from their rented McMansion on the Mississippi River. Husband-of-the-Year Nick isn’t doing himself any favors with cringe-worthy daydreams about the slope and shape of his wife’s head, but passages from Amy's diary reveal the alpha-girl perfectionist could have put anyone dangerously on edge. Under mounting pressure from the police and the media – as well as Amy’s fiercely doting parents – the town golden boy parades an endless series of lies, deceits, and inappropriate behavior. Nick is oddly evasive, and he’s definitely bitter – but is he really a killer? 

As the cops close in, every couple in town is soon wondering how well they know the one that they love. With his twin sister, Margo, at his side, Nick stands by his innocence. Trouble is, if Nick didn’t do it, where is that beautiful wife? And what was in that silvery gift box hidden in the back of her bedroom closet?" (Amazon.com)

Review:  This novel is first Gillian Flynn book that I've read and I'm looking forward to reading more of her books. Less of a mystery and more of a psychological thriller, Gone Girl keeps the reader mesmerized. It is a gripping story of the courtship and marriage of a narcissist and a sociopath. They appear to be experiencing the normal setbacks of life during the recent financial meltdown: job losses, relocation, mounting debt, family illness and death, etc. It is easy to identify with them individually, which makes it harder to know who to root for when the wife disappears on the morning of their fifth wedding anniversary and the husband becomes the prime suspect. Neither seems to be telling the whole truth, yet they both remain engaging. Each one alternates as narrator (the wife through diary entries written before her disappearance), so not only does the point-of-view shift, but so does our allegiance. The climax is startling, but also, strangely inevitable. Filled with humor and insight, snarky and witty banter, and enough murder and mayhem to satisfy even the most jaded reader, it is a peculiar hybrid that is hard to resist.

I will say that not much surprised me in the book, but other readers were very surprised by the many interesting plot twists. It is definitely worth the read. I finished this 432-page book under two days - making it a true page turner.  Fair warning: there is no Hollywood ending here and the book is the better for it!

Rating: 4 out of 5

What Animal Are You?

No, I don't mean this Animal!

This information was posted by a friend of mine on Facebook and I thought it looked like fun. It's simple - look up your birthday and then check below to see what your animal says about you.  Is it accurate??  For the record, I'm a cat and seems fairly accurate; although far from a perfect accounting of me.

What Animal Are You?

January 01 - 09 ~ Dog
January 10 - 24 ~ Mouse
January 25 - 31 ~ Lion

February 01 - 05 ~ Cat
February 06 - 14 ~ Dove
February 15 - 21 ~ Turtle
February 22 - 28 ~ Panther

March 01 - 12 ~ Monkey
March 13 - 15 ~ Lion
March 16 - 23 ~ Mouse
March 24 - 31 ~ Cat

April 01 - 03 ~ Dog
April 04 - 14 ~ Panther
April 15 - 26 ~ Mouse
April 27 - 30 ~ Turtle

May 01 - 13 ~ Monkey
May 14 - 21 ~ Dove
May 22 - 31 ~ Lion

June 01 - 03 ~ Mouse
June 04 - 14 ~ Turtle
June 15 - 20 ~ Dog
June 21 - 24 ~ Monkey
June 25 - 30 ~ Cat

July 01 - 09 ~ Mouse
July 10 - 15 ~ Dog
July 16 - 26 ~ Dove
July 27 - 31 ~ Cat

August 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
August 16 - 25 ~ Mouse
August 26 - 31 ~ Turtle

September 01 - 14 ~ Dove
September 15 - 27 ~ Cat
September 28 - 30 ~ Dog

October 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
October 16 - 27 ~ Turtle
October 28 - 31 ~ Panther

November 01 - 16 ~ Lion
November 17 - 30 ~ Cat

December 01 - 16 ~ Dog
December 17 - 25 ~ Monkey
December 26 - 31 ~ Dove

If you are a Dog : A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified.

If you are a Mouse : Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

If you are a Lion : Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. Popular and easy-going. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. People love the way you always treat them. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!

If you are a Cat : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Turtle : You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a Dove : You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love.

If you are a Panther : You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If you are a Monkey : Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!

Hey, Hey, It's the Monkees!

I had a near religious experience this past Tuesday, but first a little background information:

In September 1975, television stations bought the syndication rights to and began re-running episodes of The Monkees television show, which originally ran from September 1966 to March 1968 and I began watching these shows and was immediately enthralled. I remember my best friend and I would get off the school bus each afternoon and run to one of our houses to watch the show. The antics of these 4 talented performers enthralled my 9-year old self! From the first drum beat, I was hooked and in love - to varying degrees - with each of these boys; although Micky will always be my favorite. 

But my life long love of the Monkees was not limited to merely the watching of the show. The first album I ever bought with my own money (circa 1976) was the Monkees self titled debut album and I then spent the next dozen or so years purchasing and memorizing every album. In the mid-80s, thanks to MTV and Nickelodeon marathons of the original series, the Monkees enjoyed a resurgence. During that time, I purchased a VHS of their one and only full length movie, Head, at the ridonkulous cost of $80! It was worth every penny spent! On June 6, 1986, I was lucky enough to attend a 20th Anniversary Tour concert with 3 of the 4 Monkees (Micky, Davy and Peter) at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ. In the mid-90s, Rhino released a home videorecording of the series which I eagerly plunked down some hard earned cash to own. I have since replaced the VHS copies with digital copies of the series. I've read books, bought memorabilia, watched biopics and a quasi-factional movie called Daydream Believers, etc. What can you conclude from this background? I am the ultimate fan/geek of the Monkees!

Here's where the near religious experience comes to play. Through the largesse of a friend of mine, this past Tuesday, I attended a concert at the Wang Theatre in Boston of the "A Midsummer's Night with the Monkees" tour (the 2nd show in the tour) and it was an unbelievable night. For the casual Monkees fan, this concert would have been just okay.  But for the fanatic, this performance was a dream come true. The reason I say that is because they didn't just sing all the greatest hits. They played songs that the casual or non-fan wouldn't necessarily know. Additionally, we were lucky to enough to have the most amazing seats: 13 rows from the stage and dead center! They sounded and looked amazing! I have been to a reasonable amount of concerts in my life and this one ranked right up there as one of the best of the best! There were only 2 things missing from this show. Sadly, one was the absence of Davy Jones (may he rest in peace), but kudos to the band for the amazing tribute to their fallen comrade. The second was the breakdown of a credit card machine. Just as I was getting ready to purchase a concert t-shirt, the machine crapped out. Gah! So annoying. Otherwise, it was a perfect evening!

Thank you, Micky, Mike and Peter for granting me this generous gift.  I can die a happy girl.

Just a few out of the many photos I took!

For the rest of my concert photos, check out my Monkees concert photo gallery. Some photos are a little fuzzy but what can you expect from a concert where people are practically dancing in their seats! If you want to see the complete set list of songs, check out this Rolling Stone article.  How many of these songs do you know by heart?  Me?  All of them!

Below is a video of one of my favorite songs, "She":

Dealing With Chemo Side Effects on My Terms!

Today, I had a brilliant, beyond brilliant idea!! Okay, truthfully it was partially my idea and partially my oncologist's idea. At today's oncology appointment, I mentioned to her that my scalp was tingling - which is a clear sign that my hair follicles are reacting to the invasion of those nasty, but necessary, toxins in my body. I said to her that I was thinking of at least just going and cutting my hair short to get jump start on the 'loss of hair' side effect. She took a look at my ponytail and said that I should see if I could donate my hair to Locks of Love. Holy cow! Why hadn't I thought of that?? See what happens when two brilliant minds come together.

What is Locks of Love? "Locks of Love is a public non-profit organization that provides hairpieces to financially disadvantaged children in the United States and Canada under age 21 suffering from long-term medical hair loss from any diagnosis" (Locks of Love website). Children have a harder time dealing with hair loss than adults (I assume) and as most of us know from our childhood, children can be cruel, especially when they see children that are "different". Therefore, Locks of Love tries to restore some normalcy and confidence to these children by providing hairpieces. What a fantastic organization!!

I immediately went home and checked the Locks of Love website to see if it would be possible for me to donate my hair. Providing that my hair was not bleached (it's not), not dreadlocks (gah! no!), and the ponytail/braid was a minimum of 10 inches (it was), then I could donate. Score! Not one to let grass grow under my feet, I immediately walked downtown to a salon to see if they had time to cut my hair and I lucked out and they were not busy. I gave the stylist all the pertinent information: going through cancer treatment, going to lose my hair anyway, want to donate hair to charity, etc. and she was onboard. She pulled my hair into 2 ponytails (one on each side), looked at me and said "are you sure?" I said "yes" and she cut them off. There's no going back from that.

Now I will say, I am not the biggest fan of short hair on me. I don't actually think it's a good look, but as I will be bald in a week or two anyway, it was my chance to do something good for some needy children and that makes all the difference. Right now my shorn tresses are jetting their way to Florida where Locks of Love is headquartered and I hope that they will be of some use to the organization. Anyone who has long hair and is thinking of cutting it, you might want to think about donating your hair to this worthwhile cause.

Music Doesn't Lie - Part 22 (To Make You Feel My Love)

"Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world,
then it can only happen through music." – Jimi Hendrix

It's hard to believe that in 21 previous entries of the Music Doesn't Lie postings that I have yet to mention one of my all time favorite artists: Billy Joel. Time to remedy that error. I don't remember exactly when I started listening to Billy Joel's music but I know it's been well over 35 years. In my humble opinion, Billy Joel is one of the best singer/songwriters of all time. Included in my list of the best singer/songwriters is Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon, Elton John... (well, I could just keep listing), so Billy is in excellent company. As he is one of my favorite performers, I made sure to purchase all 12 of his studio albums and every live, greatest hits, and compilation album available. Plus I've seen him perform a number of times in concert, which were some of the best concerts I have ever seen and heard!

For the past few days or so, I've been listening to all of his albums and basking in the joy of his music. Picking just one song to feature is always difficult when it comes to a nearly 50-year long career which has the most amazing assembly of music. Some of my all time favorites are "We Didn't Start the Fire", "Honesty", "Innocent Man", "Piano Man", "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant", "Prelude/Angry Young Man", "A Matter of Trust", and... well, the list is endless. But yesterday, I was listening to a song that just made me sigh equally with delight and melancholy. This song, written by legendary Bob Dylan (the greatest songwriter of all time - according to Rolling Stone), was first released in 1997 by Billy Joel (two months before Dylan released his version) and has been covered by Garth Brooks, Adele, Kelly Clarkson, Trisha Yearwood, and countless others (including, oddly, Jeremy Irons). "To Make You Feel My Love" has some of the most amazing lyrics and Dylan's words are exactly what my definition of true love is. While no one has ever seen fit to say these words to me and I have only hinted at them with one person, my romantic heart says that these lyrics are the words to live by when you find that your soul mate, kindred spirit, eternal love, or whatever else you call them. I suppose though my life is best reflected by Billy's "The River of Dreams".

Here is the only known live version of Billy singing this beautiful song. Lyrics can be found here.

Looking For a Bit of Elegance and Refinement...

Yesterday, I spent a decent amount of time sightseeing at a magnificent local estate, The Crane Estate at Castle Hill in Ipswich. Beginning in 1910 until it was donated gradually over many years to The Trustees of Reservations, this estate was the summer house of Richard T. Crane, Jr. (a wealthy industrialist from Chicago) and his family. This estate has a fascinating history and I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent there, but as I explored the house and grounds, I felt underdressed and unworthy of being there. I was wearing shorts, a tee shirt, and sneakers - all perfectly acceptable in today's slacker society, but while touring the mansion, I felt like I should have been wearing nicer clothes. (I felt the same way when I toured Kensington Palace, Buckingham Palace, Palace of Versailles, etc.)

While walking around the lovely grounds and palatial mansion, I kept wishing that people were a little more refined than we currently are - and I include myself in this critique. Nearly everyone is too mouthy, too uncouth, too uncultured. I'm not saying that we need to go back 100s of years to the time of Sir Walter Raleigh and the tale of him placing his coat over a muddy puddle, but can't we all just act a little more sophisticated and chivalrous.

Last night I was watching the latest episode of MasterChef and for those readers who may or may not be watching this show, there's one particular contestant this season who embodies all these boorish qualities. Her name is Krissi and she's a brash, potty mouthed barbarian, who is completely obnoxious and loathsome. Last night, she let off a tirade of expletives and repeatedly threatened to physically harm other contestants and it kind of sickened me a little as I watched the episode. While I'm not in her category of rudeness, I am beginning to realize that perhaps I could be a little more polished and refined. Therefore, I have decided that it is time to make a commitment to not only living in the moment, but living it in a nicer, calmer, kinder, gentler, more genteel manner.

Okay, everyone - Pinkies up!

* * *

If anyone is interested in seeing more photos that I took of Castle Hill, check out my Travel Photos site. You can see photos from some other trips I've taken like Paris, Italy, and London.

I love this sweeping lawn.

Living for Today!

There is something to be said about living in the moment. When you get a medical diagnosis that more often than not leads to death, you really start taking stock in your life. And I am starting to realize how important it is to live for today; not yesterday or tomorrow. There's that annoying saying that all my students were using over the past year: YOLO (You Only Live Once) and while that statement is trite and annoying, it does make a significant point. Over the past year, I railed at myself for having gained 20 pounds. Right now, I'd love for that to be my only concern. I spent most of the year fighting with TFA over stupidity (theirs not mine) and got nothing out of it but aggravation. It was time that could have been better spent. Now it's time to live for the moment and to hell with the future and the past. 

Let me give you a small example of how my mindset has changed: Yesterday, I went to Tendercrop Farms, a local grower, to pick up some fresh fruits and veggies. While there, I walked by a container which had 6 freshly baked cinnamon sugar cider doughnuts. I picked them up and then put them down and then picked them up again and brought them home. Two months ago, I would have yelled at myself for buying these delicious but not terribly healthy snacks. Granted, it's healthier than Honey Dew, Krispy Kreme or Dunkin' Donuts, but it's not broccoli. Adding to that, I've already eaten 5 of the 6 doughnuts over the past 2 days. But am I yelling at myself. No, and I'll tell you why not. One, they're something that gives me pleasure and at the moment doesn't make me feel like throwing up and, two, I truly don't care if I gain weight because I ate a doughnut... or 5. See! It's as simple as that. Live for today and not tomorrow. Does it make a difference in the grand scheme of things if I leave behind a 100 pound or a 300 pound corpse? Hmmm. Nope. Okay, okay, I know that's morbid, but that's reality. Like I said, I'm not picking out a headstone (mostly because I don't plan on being buried), but I'm not going to rule my life based on things that just don't matter. Therefore, I plan to eat those potato chips, that candy bar, that dessert when I crave them. Don't worry - I'm also eating my daily requirement of fruits and veggies.

Today as I was out for my daily walk, I really started to notice the beauty of the world: the trees, the flowers, the bird, the bees. I saw plants that I had never seen before and said "hello" to everyone who walked by me. It was an amazing hour. Moving forward, I plan to keep on living for today. I will not fret about the future - a future that I might not even have. Frankly, if I see my 52nd birthday, it will be a minor miracle and I will celebrate if that day comes. I'm also going to try not to dwell on the past, something that has always been difficult for me. I have some demons that keep rearing their heads from my past, but I am determined not to let them ruin my today. 

How do you go about living in the moment? Here's an article which lists the best way to be in the here and now. Who is with me? It's time to live for today!

 

Okay, I'll Say It: Chemotherapy Sucks!

There!  I said it! 

I know that above statement probably won't surprise anyone, but it has been a mere 2 days since my first chemotherapy treatment and I am starting to remember how bad chemo truly is. The last time I went through chemo was over 5 years ago and like some things, the more that time passes - the less one remembers. What I remember about my last go 'round with chemo was hair loss, some nausea, and that food lost all its appeal because tasted like crapola. I thought I got through it relatively easy and managed well.

What I am now experiencing and therefore remembering from the last time is how much worse it is than that. Here is a list of side effects that I'm already experiencing: the dreaded nausea, feeling exhausted, "chemo brain" (a kind of mental cloudiness), muscle and joint pain, neuropathy (tingling of fingers and toes), and taste changes. Even water tastes awful! The one thing that cancer patients need more than anything is to keep hydrated by drinking plenty of water. I was instructed to drink 2-3 quarts of fluids (preferably water) per day, which normally is a no brainer for me as water is my beverage of choice (other than an occasional tea). Consequently, it really sucks that my favorite beverage is ruined by chemotherapy. I've taken to adding lemon to the water which helps a little bit. All in all, it still tastes terrible. 

Chemo brain is a most annoying side effect. It's more than just a mental cloudiness - sometimes it's the inability to concentrate. For example, I'll start watching a movie and then stop because I've lost track of what is going on or I'll read a couple pages in a book and then put it down because I can't focus. It's really annoying. I should just watch movies that I've already seen before so I don't have to concentrate so hard to following a plot. Perhaps I could just watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians or something similar that's not taxing on the brain. Um, on second thought, no. I can't do that to my brain - it would be cruel and unusual punishment.

But you want to know what's annoying me the most these days? I keep seeing the most obnoxious television commercial for Cumberland Farms iced coffee featuring an annoyingly tanned David Hasselhoff singing about this amazing coffee. It makes my ears bleed every time it comes on, especially since that dumb song has been stuck in my head for days. Somebody make it stop!! 

TTFN!

Chemotherapy Begins!

Cycle 1 of 6-8 treatments

What a strange day! Today, I was scheduled for a follow up appointment with my oncologist. After arriving, my vitals were recorded by a overly chatty medical assistant who decided she was going to complain to me about her current medical woes (seriously?)!  I then met with the doctor who received the report from the radiologist that the biopsy couldn't be done and we both were in agreement that we should just move forward with the chemo treatment plan that we had discussed 2 weeks ago. She said to me that if I wanted I could start today -- providing the pharmacy had my drugs in stock. I thought, "Well, I don't have anything to do today and it is going to be 90+ degrees outside and I wanted to find some air conditioning to stay in for the day, so why not."  I actually thought I'd hang out at the library or go to the mall to stay cool, but getting chemo treatment is also an option. The doctor left to check with the pharmacy and came back to say that they had the drugs in stock and they could treat me. Before heading over the infusion center, I did find out that the CT scan on Wednesday showed growth in the tumors over the 7 weeks from the last CT. Granted it was just a couple of millimeters, but growth all the same, which indicated to the oncologist that the lung metastasis most likely originated from the endometrial cancer, as breast cancer doesn't grow that fast. Also, I'm still mildly anemic. Not great when you're heading into chemo treatment.

After this discussion, the doctor escorted me over to the infusion center which was about 100 feet away, where I met the amazing staff, got a little tour of my little home away from home, and then took a seat in a lovely corner area and proceeded with treatment. The infusion center was eerily empty due it being the day after a holiday. 

Let the treatment begin. My specific treatment takes 5 hours from start to finish! Oh, my goodness gracious!  It starts with 90 minutes of three pre-medications which are a steroid, an anti-nausea drug and 2 histamine blockers. All of these pre-meds are to help with side effects and/or possible allergic reactions. Next, I was given cancer drug #1 - Taxol (Paclitaxel), which took 3 hours to infuse, followed by a 30-minute infusion of cancer drug #2 - Carboplatin. The only issue I had with any of these drugs was a rise in body heat. I was freezing when I got there and was under a blanket but half way through I was sweating my nuts off... well, I mean if I had any! Otherwise, it was pretty uneventful. How did I spend my time? I watched some television (daytime tv blows!), read a little of a book, and tried to nap (no go!) but mostly I chatted with the staff. The staff at the infusion center are a group of incredible nurses who took a goodly amount of time explaining every step of the way of what was being done. My treating nurse stayed with me for most of the day and gladly did anything and everything I needed or wanted. Mostly it was about bringing me water and snacks. Mmmmmmm.... snacks!  Also, we had a little fashion show! It appears that the cancer center has a whole host of volunteers who make head coverings for cancer patients. They have hundreds upon hundreds of these coverings, so a couple of nurses and I went through many of them and picked a few for me to wear once I lose my hair. It was a completely fun way to kill some time.

What do I have to look forward to over the next few days/weeks. Here's a list of just some of the possible side effects:

• Anemia (Great! I don't really need that)
• Hair loss (I'm a cute baldy; I'm okay with that)
• Joint and/or muscle pain
• Neuropathy - numbness and tingling in hands and feet
• Nausea and vomiting
• Diarrhea
• Mouth sores
• Allergic reaction 
• Taste changes (last time everything tasted like metal - ugh!)
• Weakness
• Insomnia (from the steroid)

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I would be starting treatment today, but I'm kind of glad that it happened this way. No thinking about it, stressing over it - just go in and get it done. If we stick to the "every 3 week" schedule for treatment, I will have 3 treatments completed before the school year starts. Woot, woot!  Even better. 

Next up: another follow up appointment in 1 week with my oncologist to check my blood stats.

An Independence Day Reflection...

I struggled with what to write about today - the day we celebrate the birth of the nation - and then I came across this video which I believe says it all:

Powerful, wouldn't you say?!  Enjoy the holiday!

The Lung Biopsy That Didn't Happen...

Looks like fun, doesn't it?

That title sounds like the name of a bad B-movie.

Let's review the past seven weeks, shall we? The events that I've experienced are: severe anemia, a transvaginal ultrasound, an MRI, a CT scan, an endometrial biopsy, metastatic endometrial cancer diagnosis, a hysterectomy, the repair of a vaginal laceration ... and today was supposed to be a CT guided lung biopsy. The excitement never ends!

This morning, I arrived at the hospital with the plan of having a lung biopsy. As I mentioned in a past blog, the doctors wanted to know which cancer had spread - breast or endometrial. After arriving at the Day Surgical ward and changing into one of those fashionable hospital gowns, I had a meeting with the radiologist who would be performing the biopsy. He explained the complications of this procedure, which are: infection, bleeding, and a possible pneumothorax. The worst of these risks is the pneumothorax - or, better known as, a lung collapse. Ouch! He then explained that the locations of the larger tumors were close to major blood vessels and were deep in the lungs - making the risk for pneumothorax great, but the smaller tumors, which were accessible and consequently much less of a risk, might be too small to biopsy: a catch-22! Accordingly, he acknowledged that he might not be able to do the biopsy at all. After this discussion and my signature attesting that I was advised of these complications and the insertion of an IV port, I was wheeled to the CT imaging room where the technicians produced another set of CT scans which the radiologist would use to determine the possibility of doing a biopsy. 15 minutes later, he came with the news that it was just too risky to perform the procedure, so no biopsy would be done. Shortly after, the unused IV port was removed and I was released and departed. I'm not sure how I feel about this non-event. While it might be beneficial to know where the cancer originated from, the knowledge wouldn't change my treatment plan. I suppose I'm glad I didn't have to go through another risky procedure. It will be interesting to find out if there has been any significant growth of the tumors over the past 7 weeks. I suppose I'll find that out during my next appointment with the oncologist.

Speaking of which, I've moved up my next appointment with my oncologist to this Friday, which was originally scheduled for 2 weeks from today. I would like to move forward with treatment - the quicker it starts, the quicker it finishes. Plus I'd like to have at least 2 treatments completed before the 2013-2014 school year commences.

Additionally, I finally got around to reading the surgical notes that I received from my surgeon. The most interesting part was the pathology report on my diseased lady parts. It turns out that I had a 7 cm fibroid tumor, which is roughly the size of a tennis ball; although it was not round like a ball. The official name for my cancer is endometrial adenocarcinoma and happens to be a Grade 3. Grade 3 is poorly differentiated which tends to grow rapidly and spreads faster than Grades 1 or 2. So I've got that going for me! Both ovaries and cervix were cancerous and there was a positive finding for lymphovascular invasion (the spread of a cancer to the blood vessels and/or lymphatics). Isn't science just fascinating?!

That's all the news for today, stay tuned for more excitement in the days ahead...

For a True Janeite, "The Annotated Pride and Prejudice" is Essential!

This year marks the 200th anniversary of the publication of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen! I've mentioned it a few hundred times, but I am completely obsessed with this brilliant novel. How much? Let's see: I own several copies of the book (including a Kindle version), have read most of the modern retellings, have read most of the continuing stories, seen the 1995 BBC mini-series dozens of times, have a pair of P&P earrings (thank you, Etsy), and a whole host of other P&P related items. It has been a 30-year love affair and even though 15 years ago I gave up on finding my Darcy, I love re-reading this book every year or so and enjoy living vicariously through the spunky Elizabeth Bennet. Therefore, when I saw that a new edition of the book was being published, I just knew that had to have it. Why? (you might ask). Simple - it is The Annotated Pride and Prejudice: A Revised and Expanded Edition. 

Summary: This summary is for this specific edition - I assume that most people already know the incomparable story (or should!) of Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy.  

"The first-ever fully annotated edition of one of the most beloved novels in the world is a sheer delight for Jane Austen fans. Here is the complete text of Pride and Prejudice with thousands of annotations on facing pages, including:

• Explanations of historical context - Rules of etiquette, class differences, the position of women, legal and economic realities, leisure activities, and more.
• Citations from Austen’s life, letters, and other writings - Parallels between the novel and Austen’s experience are revealed, along with writings that illuminate her beliefs and opinions.
• Definitions and clarifications - Archaic words, words still in use whose meanings have changed, and obscure passages are explained.
• Literary comments and analyses - Insightful notes highlight Austen’s artistry and point out the subtle ways she develops her characters and themes.
• Maps and illustrations of places and objects mentioned in the novel.
• An introduction, a bibliography, and a detailed chronology of events.

Of course, one can enjoy the novel without knowing the precise definition of a gentleman, or what it signifies that a character drives a coach rather than a hack chaise, or the rules governing social interaction at a ball, but readers of The Annotated Pride and Prejudice will find that these kinds of details add immeasurably to understanding and enjoying the intricate psychological interplay of Austen’s immortal characters." (Amazon.com)

Review: Being a devoted Austen fanatic, I knew that this edition was a must for me. Annotated and edited by David Shapard, Ph.D. (a professor who specializes in the 18th century), this edition has hundreds of new notes and illustrations and is the definitive edition! The annotations are clear, concise and add depth to the story and the characters. The layout is wonderful - it presents Ms. Austen's story on the left side with the corresponding annotations on the opposite page, which thankfully eliminates a lot of flipping between pages to find the annotation. This edition has deepened my enjoyment and understanding of the novel as well as the time period in which it takes place and was written. Additionally, my knowledge of Ms. Austen and her connection to this material has been broadened. Based on Jane's letters, this story clearly had a special place in her heart too - she called it "my own darling child" after all.

Based on my enjoyment of this edition, my plan is to purchase the rest of the Austen novels that have been annotated by Mr. Shapard (Emma, Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, and Northanger Abbey). If you are an Austen fan, run to your nearest bookstore and purchase this lovely edition of Pride and Prejudice. It does not disappoint. For the first-time reader, I wonder if perhaps it might be a bit of an overload of information.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars - especially for a true Janeite.