I Am Not Heroic!

For the two past weeks, I've gotten nothing but the most positive support from friends, family, and colleagues - including my favorite Starbucks baristas. Most people have given me props for being brave in the face of adversity, but before anyone calls up the Vatican to discuss canonization, know that I am not brave. I'm not doing anything that millions of other cancer patients before me have done (my 5-year ago self included). We do what we need to do to get through this feculence. As I mentioned in my Emotional Roller Coaster post, cancer takes the sufferer on a wild and wide range of emotions.  

Even though I'm doing everything I can to remain positive, I still have those moments of weakness of which I'm not terribly proud, but they do happen - like wondering who will take care of Lotta, the wonder cat, if the treatment doesn't work. Another example: the other day I made a list of all the things that I had wanted to do in this lifetime, but never did (i.e., have a "reduce my single friends to jealousy" romance/relationship, marry said romantic partner, own a golden retriever, live in England, and, well, pretty much everything else on my bucket list).  I suppose some of these aspirations might still be attainable to varying degrees and yet, in that bleak moment, I thought, "they are out of my reach forever" - given that there is a mere 20% chance that I will be among the living in 5 years. 

So yes, I am trying to stay positive and focused on healing and surviving, but please do not think that I am courageous by any means. I have other bleak moments where I wonder if it's even worth bucking the odds by going through with treatment. That's the reality of being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer - the mammoth doubts. Five years ago with a Stage 1 diagnosis, the odds were much more in my favor, so treatment was a no brainer. But this time around, well... as I said before; hope for the best, expect the worse. 

Please do not mistake me for anything but a fallible, occasionally terrified, sometimes angry, albeit generally positive person who is trying to battle an insidious and invisible demon. There are no S's on my chest or capes on my back! Oh, and one more thing: I know that I am completely and utterly irreverent which is my coping mechanism. For those of you who might find it offensive, get over it.  :-)