What
if you could ignore the whole Judeo-Christian belief of "forgiveness"?
That's the basic premise of a book that I just finished reading! Yes, I
happened to meander through the self-help section of the library (again)
and, unlike the last trip through this section of the library, I was hoping this trip would be a more fruitful one. As I was passing through, I saw the title of a book - Forgiving and Not Forgiving: Why Sometimes It's Better Not to Forgive by Jeanne Safer,
Ph.D. As with the last self help book, the title intrigued me enough to
read the book jacket and then bring it home for further perusal.
Synopsis:
"In our culture the belief that 'To err is human, to forgive divine,'
is so prevalent that few of us question its wisdom. But do we ever
completely forgive those who have betrayed us? Aren't some actions
unforgivable? Can we achieve closure and healing without forgiving?
Drawing on more than two decades of work as a practicing
psychotherapist, more than fifty in-depth interviews, and sterling
research into the concept of forgiveness in our society, Dr. Jeanne
Safer challenges popular opinion with her own searching answers to these
and other questions. The result is a penetrating look at what is often a
lonely, and perhaps unnecessary, struggle to forgive those who have
hurt us the most and an illuminating examination of how to determine
whether forgiveness is, indeed, the best path to take--and why, often,
it is not." (Amazon.com)
Review:
This book has helped me more than anything else as I struggle with
whether or not I can truly forgive a handful of people from my past who
have repeatedly lied, betrayed, hurt, and deceived me under the guise of "friendship". At
a time when clergy, therapists, and the lay community are urging
forgiveness as a panacea for every troubled relationship, Safer counsels
caution. Not forgiving can be just as moral and healing in some
situations as forgiving can be in others, she says.
Safer is certainly not against genuine forgiveness, nor does she approve of vengefulness - I am in complete agreement on these points. Her concern is that people are rushed into a dishonest façade of forgiveness when they do not truly feel it. True forgiveness, she believes, takes time and is only partially under your conscious control. She also believes that not forgiving, when an action genuinely offends your moral sense, and the perpetrator has shown no remorse nor made any effort to change, is an honest and correct choice. This last point is the one that I am mightily struggling with. Why am I trying to forgive people who have never expressed any remorse over their vile actions?
What is most important, says Safer, is a serious attempt to engage with your feelings about the relationship in question and to consider the ways in which each person has contributed to it. She provides a myriad of examples on this point for the reader's benefit. Only such honesty can lead to a healthy outcome, but what a healthy outcome is differs for each person and situation. She also stresses that forgiveness and non-forgiveness are not opposites; they are points along a continuum, and there are many points in between. Each individual must decide what is right for him or her, and any counselor who urges a particular and predetermined result does the patient a disservice.
My biggest problem is that I no longer have these 4 or 5 people in my life so I will never be able to engage in discussions over their perfidy and my feelings about their actions, therefore it appears that I will never find true forgiveness or closure. But after reading Safer's book, I can go about my life happily - knowing that not forgiving is completely acceptable. To those 4 or 5 people for whom forgiveness is not an option, I say the following: "I do not and cannot forgive your past misdeeds, nor will I spend the remainder of my days wishing that I had it in me to forgive." I'm confident that these former friends will never see this message because I have ceased to exist in their minds/worlds, but I feel better knowing that I can move on with my life and not feel guilty that I cannot, nor do I have to, forgive them.
I recommend this book (which is clearly and interestingly written) to anyone who is struggling with forgiveness, or simply fascinated by it.
Safer is certainly not against genuine forgiveness, nor does she approve of vengefulness - I am in complete agreement on these points. Her concern is that people are rushed into a dishonest façade of forgiveness when they do not truly feel it. True forgiveness, she believes, takes time and is only partially under your conscious control. She also believes that not forgiving, when an action genuinely offends your moral sense, and the perpetrator has shown no remorse nor made any effort to change, is an honest and correct choice. This last point is the one that I am mightily struggling with. Why am I trying to forgive people who have never expressed any remorse over their vile actions?
What is most important, says Safer, is a serious attempt to engage with your feelings about the relationship in question and to consider the ways in which each person has contributed to it. She provides a myriad of examples on this point for the reader's benefit. Only such honesty can lead to a healthy outcome, but what a healthy outcome is differs for each person and situation. She also stresses that forgiveness and non-forgiveness are not opposites; they are points along a continuum, and there are many points in between. Each individual must decide what is right for him or her, and any counselor who urges a particular and predetermined result does the patient a disservice.
My biggest problem is that I no longer have these 4 or 5 people in my life so I will never be able to engage in discussions over their perfidy and my feelings about their actions, therefore it appears that I will never find true forgiveness or closure. But after reading Safer's book, I can go about my life happily - knowing that not forgiving is completely acceptable. To those 4 or 5 people for whom forgiveness is not an option, I say the following: "I do not and cannot forgive your past misdeeds, nor will I spend the remainder of my days wishing that I had it in me to forgive." I'm confident that these former friends will never see this message because I have ceased to exist in their minds/worlds, but I feel better knowing that I can move on with my life and not feel guilty that I cannot, nor do I have to, forgive them.
I recommend this book (which is clearly and interestingly written) to anyone who is struggling with forgiveness, or simply fascinated by it.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
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