Rudolph The Red-Nosed Oppressed Reindeer

One of the most beloved holiday stories is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Many people are unaware that it started out as a poem in 1939 distributed to the customers of Montgomery Ward (do you remember that store?). The head of Monkey Ward's marketing department asked copywriter, Robert May, to write a cheery Christmas story for the shoppers. May decided to write about a deer because it was his daughter's favorite animal at the time. The poem became a huge hit with the shoppers. Eventually Montgomery Ward gave the rights to the poem to May. In the 1940s, May's brother-in-law wrote the treasured song that we all know and hear ad nauseam for months. In 1964, Rankin-Bass Productions got their grubby mitts on the story and adapted the tale into a stop-motion Christmas special. Filmed entirely in Japan with all sound recordings done in Toronto, the show drastically altered the original telling of the story and has been enchanting children and terrifying adults ever since. 

As a child, I loved watching Rudolph each year and would eagerly plop myself in front of the television in order to be delighted, but now as an adult, I find the story really disturbing. Here's a breakdown of the problems with this story:

1. Santa is a complete asshat: In our world, Santa is a revered legendary folkloric character who kindly brings toys to all the boys and girls and goes around with a hearty "ho ho ho". But in the Rankin-Bass world, Santa is an angry, disability-hating, self-centered, slave-laboring jackass!

Let's start with his treatment of Rudolph as a newborn deer when he sees Rudolph's nose glowing:

Santa: Great bouncing icebergs.
Donner: Well I’m sure it will stop as soon as he grows up, Santa.
Santa: Well let’s hope so if he wants to make the sleigh team someday.

Nice support there, Santa. (I'll get to Donner in a bit.) Plus Santa berates Donner for covering Rudolph's red nose with a faux black nose, but not because it's wrong to hide who you are. No, he tells Donner that he should be ashamed for perpetrating a ruse and trying to get one over on everyone. People will say that Santa came around in the end and grew as a person, but Santa should not have to -- he's flipping Santa! Except, does he really grow? He only accepts Rudolph and his nose because he was in a bind with the snowstorm. He uses Rudolph for his own selfish purpose.

How about Santa, the grueling taskmaster? The elves, of course, have to work long hours in order to get ready for Christmas. I'm sure they don't get paid but they still have time to create a relatively nice song to sing to their fat overlord ("We Are Santa's Elves") and how does this a-hole respond: "Hmm. Well, it needs work. I have to go." Leaving the co-dependent Mrs. Claus to clean up after her douche bag husband.

Give me the Santa Claus from Santa Claus is Coming to Town (video) any day!

2. The reindeer are misogynists and jerks: First up, Comet doesn't let the girl reindeer play in the reindeer games, nor do the girls get to ever dream of pulling Santa’s sleigh (unless another billion children are about to miss Christmas and Santa’s only option is to slum it by asking Clarice for help).

Second, Rudolph's glowing, squealing nose is weird as shit, but why do the other reindeer find it terrifying? What about a glowing, squealing nose makes other reindeer's pupils shrink and their bodies convulse? And why does it mean the poor bastard can't 'play in any reindeer games'? He's the best at flying after provocative Clarice comes onto him. They're total jerks!

Third, Donner is completely ashamed of his son and his shiny nose. So much so that he decides to cover it:

Rudolph: It’s not very comfortable.
Donner: There are more important things in life than comfort: Self respect. Santa can’t object to you now.

Again, nice support, Dad. Donner should have told Santa to shove it and that he accepts his son no matter what, but nooooo. Of course, Donner is also a misogynistic bastard. Donner has a minor epiphany when he realizes he has to go out looking for his son, who ran away and is now missing at the ripe age of one year:

Narrator: Now you can bet old Donner felt pretty bad about the way he had treated Rudolph.  And he knew that the only thing to do was to go out and look for his little buck. Mrs. Donner wanted to go along, naturally.  But Donner said no, this is man’s work.

Ah, man’s work. Of course, that didn’t stop mom and Clarice, god bless 'em, from heading out on their own anyway. Though Clarice’s blow for feminism almost gets her eaten by the abominable snowman – message received, little girl.

Then Yukon Cornelius comes to rescue, slays abominable while perishing himself (or so we think), and what does the narrator inform us?

Narrator: Well they are all very sad at the loss of their friend, but realize that the best thing to do is to get the women back to Christmas town.

Yes, the vulnerable women. Then again, Santa wouldn’t have cared a lick about getting the women home at all – they don’t pull sleighs.

3. The Elves: First, is it Hermy or Herbie? I seriously do not know the name of that elf. He's called both Hermy and Herbie throughout the story. So this character's deepest desire is to become a dentist and the elves ridicule him for this dream. Yet, there's a nine-foot tall elf and no one says "boo" about that. The head elf is also not exactly a traditional elf and he treats Hermy/Herbie like shit. What kind of message is this sending to the viewer? Why is the head elf such a bully? Why can't they accept that someone might not want to work in a sweatshop for their entire life?

4. The Island of Misfit Toys: What was wrong with the doll? She looked normal enough. She isn't. She wouldn't be on the ‘Island if Misfit Toys' if she was. Check it out. Rudolph tells King Moonracer, the ruler of the island, that if he ever gets back to the North Pole, he'll give Santa the 411 on the Misfits. Christmas Eve, when the doll thinks Santa isn't going to show, she goes on a crying jag and accuses Rudolph of having promised to help them. Okay, a) he never made any damn promise and b) Rudolph doesn't run Christmas, Santa does and he's a complete bastard. What I take from this scene is that the dolly's issues are psychological. She's a depressive nutjob.

What is wrong with the spotted elephant? I would have loved to get a spotted stuffed elephant! Why didn't the Charlie in the Box just change his name? You can do that. It's quite easy. What about the water pistol that shot jelly? Just empty it of the jelly and fill it with water. This stuff is not brain surgery. Stop asking Santa to fix your problems - he's a bastard.

5. Rudolph: Now don't get me wrong, I love Rudolph. What I don't get about him is why does he agree to guide Santa's sleigh? I mean, when someone treats you that way, all they deserve is a swift hoof in the nuts. I'm serious. Hey, Santa. Guide your own damn sleigh. Then when you crash in the Andes you can eat your sexist reindeer to survive. After all, nobody likes a skinny Santa.

Here's wishing everyone a happy Festivus.

(Editing credit: Tom Smith)