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| If they served cupcakes at a pity party, I'd have one all the time! |
Here's the latest update on the cancer fight...
I truly hate being pitied by other people and loathe it twice as much when I pity myself. Therefore, in general, I try not to indulge in self-pity, but I suppose I am human and will occasionally fail at my best intentions. I spent a good portion of Sunday and Monday feeling angry, sad and sorry for myself. I kept thinking "Why me?", "It's not fair", "I'm tired of this crap", "Maybe it's time to wave the white flag and give up", and a few other choice statements. Yeah, I'm not proud of this behavior, but there's something to be said about allowing myself to feel this way even briefly as I think I got some of it out of my system. Today was a better mental day overall.
What caused this unusual attitude? It's pretty simple - I am feeling incredibly ill which is taking a toll on my psyche. Coping with nearly constant nausea, neuropathy, excruciating joint and muscle pain, headache, insomnia, crushing fatigue, chemo brain, and taste changes would affect anyone's emotions. Adding to all the physical pain is the emotional stress of dealing with a potentially fatal disease, wondering how I'm going to go back to work in a couple weeks and have the necessary energy and mental acuity that teaching requires, the financial strain that fighting this disease is causing, and the loneliness of carrying this solitary burden. Looking at all those factors, it's no wonder that I might take the occasional walk down the pity path. A friend of mine said that I should give myself a break because anyone would feel this way on occasion. I suppose she's correct.
How to battle this state of mind? Keep moving forward and try to find some enjoyment where I can - whether it's reading a good book, watching reruns of Seinfeld or The Big Bang Theory, or just spending time with my cat. It's not perfect, but it's the best I can do at the moment. Here's hoping that there's something better around the next corner.
I truly hate being pitied by other people and loathe it twice as much when I pity myself. Therefore, in general, I try not to indulge in self-pity, but I suppose I am human and will occasionally fail at my best intentions. I spent a good portion of Sunday and Monday feeling angry, sad and sorry for myself. I kept thinking "Why me?", "It's not fair", "I'm tired of this crap", "Maybe it's time to wave the white flag and give up", and a few other choice statements. Yeah, I'm not proud of this behavior, but there's something to be said about allowing myself to feel this way even briefly as I think I got some of it out of my system. Today was a better mental day overall.
What caused this unusual attitude? It's pretty simple - I am feeling incredibly ill which is taking a toll on my psyche. Coping with nearly constant nausea, neuropathy, excruciating joint and muscle pain, headache, insomnia, crushing fatigue, chemo brain, and taste changes would affect anyone's emotions. Adding to all the physical pain is the emotional stress of dealing with a potentially fatal disease, wondering how I'm going to go back to work in a couple weeks and have the necessary energy and mental acuity that teaching requires, the financial strain that fighting this disease is causing, and the loneliness of carrying this solitary burden. Looking at all those factors, it's no wonder that I might take the occasional walk down the pity path. A friend of mine said that I should give myself a break because anyone would feel this way on occasion. I suppose she's correct.
How to battle this state of mind? Keep moving forward and try to find some enjoyment where I can - whether it's reading a good book, watching reruns of Seinfeld or The Big Bang Theory, or just spending time with my cat. It's not perfect, but it's the best I can do at the moment. Here's hoping that there's something better around the next corner.
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| Hmmm... What to wear.... |
6 comments:
I love you! You are absolutely allowed to have a little pity party every now and again. You've been dealt an unfair deck, no doubt. But you're strong. You have lots of love and support, even if we're not all that close in miles. And your school peeps will help you too!!! You rock my friend!!! xoxo
Love you! AND It isn't fair!! Couple of ideas- Morning pages: 3 pages of dumping first thing in the morning, just write it out...the good, the bad, the ugly (but you don't re-read it). And another journal this one a Gratitude journal: the blessings, start with one thing and watch it grow. Also a good place to put pictures, quotes and other things that make you smile and feel good (re-read often). Sending much love love love!!
Love you both to pieces! I like the writing ideas, Stace-alah! Thanks!! xoxo <3 <3
Thinking of you...constantly! xo
So sandi, I totally understand and I had my own similar meltdown last week. This stuff is HAARD. And all those symptoms make it an unbearable truth that we are both walking toxic bodies living in a constant chemo fog. My only suggestion is to just surrender to the reality that this is a longer haul than planned and let the chips fall. I can only imagine the worry about getting back to school. Luckily, I can work a few hours here and there at home, so thank you for the reminder that I have such a blessing in this arrangement. I wish you patience, and continuing courage, and less pain. I pray that these blue days will pass. And the only answer I've come up with for my own condition and the big WHY ME? Is "why not me?" It has worked to soften the rough edges occasionally. . . Because I wouldn't wish this ordeal on anyone. I'm so sorry that you must go through this. Hugs to you, and love...gretchen
Thanks, Gretchen. Yeah, I've got to remember that it's a marathon not a sprint. Unfortunately, saying "why not me" isn't exactly working. I'm too pissed off at the universe for dropping this crap in my lap. :-) Sending lots of love your way. xoxo
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