What Am I Looking Forward To?

With most people knowing about my upcoming travel plans of jetting around Europe for 2 months, many people keep asking me what I am looking forward to seeing the most. This is a really hard question to answer. Over the course of the 2 months that I'm there, I am planning to pack in a lot of sites that I have been wanting to see for decades. To narrow my favorites to just one or two of the most important things is nearly impossible. 

Here is just a short list of the places that I'm planning to visit and am beyond excited to see:

• Edinburgh Castle in Edinburgh, Scotland
• Hampton Court Palace and Windsor Castle outside of London, England
• British Museum in London, England
• Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, The Netherlands
• Prague Castle in Prague, Czech Republic
• Mozart's Birthplace/Residence in Salzburg, Austria
• Mozarthaus in Vienna, Austria
• Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, Germany
• Residenz (palace) and Nymphemburg Palace in Munich, Germany
• Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, France (this is a revisit of a favorite place)
• Chateau de Versailles in Versailles, France (another revisit)
• Mont Saint-Michel in Le Mont Saint-Michel, France
• Castles tour in the Loire Valley, France
• Picasso Museum in Barcelona, Spain
• Too many places to list from Venice, Florence and Rome (all are revisits)
• Pompeii and Vesuvius outside of Naples, Italy
• The Acropolis in Athens, Greece
• Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey (this is a wish site - not sure if I'll get to Istanbul)

Looking at this amazing list of just some of the places I plan on seeing while traveling around Europe. How could I choose just one or two to say are the ones I'm most looking forward to seeing? You'll notice there are a number of castles on the list. I admit, I'm a castle whore. I just love visiting them! 

While the underlying reason for why I can take this trip to Europe sucks the big weenie, I am just thrilled to be able to spend the time I have exploring the magnificence that is Europe! I wish I could take you all with me, but you'll have to just be happy to follow my exploits on my blog. 

Estimated Date of Departure: mid-October (somewhere around the 19th)

A Reflection on the Teaching Profession...

As I am about to finish my final week of teaching, I would like to reflect on my teaching career, which is being cut painfully short.

Back in 1984, after graduating high school, I had fully intended to go to college in order to become a teacher -- granted the plan was to be a music teacher and not the English teacher I am today, but a teacher all the same...until I derailed my teaching career. You see, 2 years into my college education, I decided that I wanted to take a chance and pursue a performing career. I was going to "take Broadway by storm". Well, we know what that outcome was. It was less of a storm and more of a breeze. After years of being an unsuccessful performer, I finally decided to complete my education (changing my major from music to English) in order to go back to the original plan of being a teacher.

Over two years ago, I embarked on my career change into education and even though it was grueling, exhausting, and occasionally soul sucking, I'm glad I at least got a chance to experience the teaching profession. For anyone who has never taught, you'll never really fully appreciate how hard teachers work and what a roller coaster ride it is to teach.

Here are the good points and bad points of teaching:

Good points:

• The students: I have mentioned this before but it bears repeating - my students are awesome. They are funny, witty, and intelligent youngsters. The thing I will miss the most about teaching are my students. 
• Grading: Believe it or not, I actually really love grading student work. There's something zen about sitting at my desk with a stack of papers that need to be graded. 
• Lesson planning: Yes, lesson planning is difficult and time consuming, but there's also something fun about putting together a lesson that will (hopefully) engage my students. It's like doing a really complicated jigsaw puzzle.
• Every day is different: I have 140 students on my roster and I see each student anywhere from 3-4 times a week due to the rotating schedule that my school has. Depending on what day it is and when during the day I see them, the students can be as different as night and day. Therefore, my days are totally unpredictable. Some people hate that aspect, but I love it. Corporate is boring by comparison.
• My colleagues: I'm very lucky where I work in that my school has a pretty amazing set of teachers. They are funny, collaborative, and tireless workers whose only goals and wishes are to improve the minds of our kiddos.

Bad points:

• Crazy long hours: No, teachers do not just work from 8-3. I get to school at 7am and consider myself lucky if I leave before 4pm. Plus, I often take work home with me and at least one day on the weekend is given to lesson planning. Conservatively, I work 50-55 hours a week and even in the summer, I have to begin lesson planning and take classes. Only bad teachers work from 8-3.
• Insane amounts of paperwork: Between lesson plans, handouts for students, and all the other tasks that goes into teaching, there is a crazy amount of paper that gets consumed in a day. I have killed many a tree over the past 2 years.
• Severe underpayment: Considering what teachers have to do to be effective at their jobs, we do not get paid nearly enough. Now I didn't go into teaching for money - no teacher does, but that doesn't mean that I'm not somewhat annoyed at the teeny tiny paycheck that I get every two weeks. Plumbers make more money than I do.
• Exhaustion: I know I've been going through a lot of medical stuff during my 2+ years of teaching, but the exhaustion that every teacher feels is real. It is the most grueling work ever because you literally have to be on for the entire time that you teach. Because there is a certain level of performance in being a teacher, it's definitely the hardest acting job that I've ever done. 
• Dealing with behavioral problems: Yeah, classroom management is a nightmare. I hate to do it, I'm really bad at it, and it wears me down every day. One of the biggest reasons for my exhaustion is trying to keep my very rambunctious students on task, off their phones, and engaged in the material. Basically, there are days where I could light my hair on fire, juggle live chainsaws, and sing a song and my students wouldn't care in the least. I won't miss those days.

While there are equal amounts of bad points to teaching as there are good points, all in all there is not a more rewarding career than teaching. Sadly, I only taught 2 years out of the 20-25 that I had planned when I started out, which makes me sad. Yet another thing that can be added to my list of regrets.

On Friday, I will say goodbye to my students knowing that I did the best I could for them and hope with all my might that I was an effective and inspiring teacher. I will miss my little cherubs immensely and will carry them in my heart forever.

Sad to be Leaving the Port...

In a little more than a month, I'll be moving away from the home I've lived in for the past 3+ years, which historically is the average length of time that I stay in any one location. How I got to this town was a fluke. In an attempt to find a new place to live after nearly 20 years of living in that dirty, smelly, rat-infested NYC, I traveled north at the suggestion of a colleague to check out Portsmouth, NH as a possible option for my new home. On my way home, I stopped in Newburyport in order to visit a friend who lived here and fell in love with this quaint old New England town. I was sold!

What do I love about the Port? Where do I start? There's so much to love about this town: an amazing library, a beautiful river walk, many sweet little stores, great restaurants, historic Federalist style buildings, and incredibly friendly people. Yes, there is this weird underbelly heroin problem in this little town, but that doesn't take away from the beauty of this town. Also, I figured that Newburyport would be the closest thing to actually living in a small town in the English countryside, which has always been a dream for me. Really the only things missing from my dream are the British accents! 

But now I have to once again uproot myself from a beloved home. I will be sad to say goodbye to this amazing little town. I will miss the pretty walks, the great restaurants, the library - my home away from home. However, I will NOT miss the insane amount of snow that we get on occasion. Most of all I will miss the incredible friends that I have made here. You see, despite being a Yankee fan and an outsider, I have been accepted by the best people who live here and will miss them terribly while I go traipsing around the world. But I will leave a little piece of my heart here in the Port!

If you have never visited Newburyport, I highly recommend it. 

Flavor of the Month...

Unsurprisingly, I suppose, there has been a lot of crying in my school ... particularly in my classroom ... over the past week. You see, I have a 140 students on my roster. Of those 140, I would say 125 are consistently showing up for class. I have developed a very nice rapport with most of the 125, plus there are about a dozen students whom I actually taught 2 years ago when they were Freshman.

Therefore, when I had to tell them about the cancer recurrence and then ultimately my decision to leave teaching and not do any further treatment, my students took it pretty hard. One student told me that she cried for 3 hours. I hate that I'm putting my students through this much distress, but I also know something else - I am the flavor of the month. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely flattered by the outpouring of love that my students are giving me and I know that they sincerely mean every word that they say, but I also know that when they say "Oh, miss, you're the best teacher I've ever had", I do feel ever so slightly skeptical. You see, most of these students I have taught them precisely 3 weeks. Erm, yeah, it's almost impossible to discern how good a teacher anyone would be in 3 weeks. 

Therefore, it's a honeymoon period/flavor of the month/cancer combination that has them feeling such strong emotions toward my decision to leave and not pursue treatment. But it is also a further indication that quitting my teaching job -- much as I love it and think that I'm getting better at it -- is the correct option. If they are taking this news so hard now, what would it be like if I were to stay a few more months. No, much as I will miss my little cherubs and love them more than they will ever know, I know that my decision was the wisest that I could make. Next week, when I leave my school for the last time as a teacher, I will leave with a heavy and sad heart, but knowing that I'm doing the right thing for my kids!

Starting to Say Goodbye...to Things

I've never been good at saying "goodbye" to people and things. It's true that I've gotten better over the past few years, but letting go is still really, really difficult for me. Looking around my apartment, I'm a little overwhelmed at the sheer magnitude of the amount of stuff that I need to purge from my life over the next few weeks. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm not terribly sentimental, but I'm also not a heartless biotch (no matter what others have said to the contrary). 

Yesterday, I started making a little bit of a dent in purging things in my apartment. I started with little things that don't make a huge difference. I pulled all of my teacher books and materials which I'm bringing to school on Monday to donate to my colleagues (I gave my 2 week notice on Friday). I tossed my college notes and papers (yep, still had them) and middle and high school year books with only a little emotion over the yearbooks. Then, I howled with laughter, scanned, posted on Facebook, and then trashed my 6th grade class photo. Why the hell I still had my 6th grade class photo I have no idea! Man, the fashions in the late 70s were awful! Next to go, miscellaneous photos that aren't worth passing along to someone else and then I posted some collectible items on Ebay. Finally, last night, I went through my jewelry box and sorted out the "good" jewelry from the "junk" jewelry. This morning, I started on my clothing - creating two piles: one for consignment, one for charity. I've made a good start on a HUGE task and feel pretty good to finally get rid of stuff that I don't actually need (like my college notes and papers)!

There is one task which I should have started immediately: making a supreme effort to find a new home is my baby girl, Lotta, but I'm dragging my feet on completing this task. How do I say goodbye to the one of the few things that literally gives me unconditional love?!?! When I come home, she greets me every time at the door. Most nights, she sleeps next to me on my bed. Plus she is a constant source of amusement. How can I send this lovely fur face away?? I've considered taking her to the local feline rescue but I don't want to stress her out. Actually, that's only partially true, I also just don't want to say to goodbye to her. I know the longer I take to find her a new home, the harder it's going to be to let her go. <sigh>

My little sweetheart has to find a new home
and it's going to break my heart to say goodbye!

If you are or someone you know is looking for a loving, albeit mischievous, cat, please let me know! Meanwhile, I will continue to purge the stuff that I won't be selling at my upcoming moving sale. North Shore area friends: get your cash ready! There's lots and lots of stuff to that needs to go!

Decision Made - Next Steps (A Cancer Update)

As everyone is now aware, I have a big decision to make on what to do about my recurrent cancer metastases (see September 2 blog), but to sum up the choices: same chemo treatment from last year, Tamoxifen, Bevacizumab, or nothing. I have made my decision. Truthfully, I made this decision months ago about what I would do if the nodules started to regrow, but faced with the actuality, I did want to give it a couple of days to see if I still felt the same way. I do. Here's my decision:

I will not be seeking any further treatment for my cancer.

I do have my reasons and they are plentiful, but it boils down to the following - I want quality of life; not quantity. I've earned it and I deserve it. Instead of holding off the inevitable, I intend to make the most out of what life I have left. Some people will disagree with my decision, but that's not my problem. There's a quote from the 1995 remake of Sabrina, which expresses my sentiments: "More isn't always better...Sometimes it's just more." I don't want to spend the next few months or years feeling sick and suffering horrible side effects for treatments that aren't a cure. If I had a spouse or children, I might feel differently, but I don't have either.

What are the next steps? Believe me, I do have a plan. 

• Hand in my resignation for work (tomorrow)
• Find a new home for my sweet baby girl (anyone want an amazing cat?)
• Apply for disability
• Sort through and get rid of any personal items that are unnecessary (yearbooks, scrapbooks, photos that are only of interest to me, etc.)
• Sell all possessions (apartment furniture, books, tchotchkes, etc.)
• Cash in all retirement accounts
• Prepay for cremation 
• Get out of my apartment lease
• Find a crash pad (probably my brother's house in Philadelphia, but am open for suggestions)
• TRAVEL!!!!

The last one is the biggie. My plan is to spend as much time as I can -- while I still feel well enough -- to travel to places I have always wanted to go and return to some of my favorite places. I would like to spend a couple of months traveling around Europe. Just a short list of places that I plan to visit are: Edinburgh, Glasgow, London, Oxford, Stonehenge, Dublin, The Blarney Stone, Amsterdam, Prague, Paris, Vienna, Salzburg, Barcelona, Venice, Florence, Rome, Naples, Malta, Athens, and anywhere else that my heart decides to go (the "red" cities are places I've been to before but want to revisit). My plan is to use my blog as a travelogue for everyone to follow along with my adventures.

Once I've finished my Grand Tour of Europe, I'll return home where I plan on having a couple of ... well, let's call them Irish Wakes in which the deceased is present at the party. I'd like to bid a fond farewell to my friends and family by holding a couple of strategically placed parties. I'd like to also plan a trip to the West Coast (LA area) in order to see my friends who have deserted the East Coast for warmer climes. 

While these plans are merely in the initial phases, I believe that all of these items can be done before my health starts failing and I eventually meet with the grim reaper. Again, I ask for everyone's support with the decision that I have made. 

Weighing the Options - A Cancer Update

As I mentioned last week, I've been having some minor cancer-related health issues and had a CT scan last Friday. Today, I received the results from my oncologist and it's not great news. Of the two significant sized nodules - both have grown. One of the two has doubled in size from .5 cm to 1.0 cm. Plus the radiologist noted that there were "some" new nodules. What does "some" mean? Neither my oncologist nor I know. Are there 3, 4, 15 new nodules? 

With the growth of existing nodules and the additional ones, I have to make a decision on my options moving forward, which are:

1. Go back to the chemotherapy treatment that I did last year in the hopes that it will reduce the size of the tumors (again).
2. Take an anti-estrogen drug in the hopes that it'll reduce the size of the tumors.
3. Take an antibody chemotherapy drug in the hopes that it will slow the growth of the tumors.
4. Do nothing and let nature run its course.

First off, let me say that the treatment options at this point are palliative. There is nothing that is going to cure this disease. Right now it's all down to how much time and/or what quality of life I want to have. 

Quite frankly I have little to no interest in repeating the chemotherapy treatment from last year. People who have never been through chemo will always say "do the chemo" but it's a horrible way to spend your time. I hated it and swore that I would never do traditional chemo ever again - twice was twice too many. My oncologist gave me literature for the other two options and I'm not too enamored with these options either. Both have a bevy of annoying side effects: nausea, nose bleeds, exhaustion, muscle aches, pain, vomiting, diarrhea, etc. The anti-estrogen drug is the same drug (Tamoxifen) that I took 6 years ago after my bout with breast cancer and I think it's one of the reasons why I now have endometrial cancer. Major medical issues with Tamoxifen: endometrial cancer (too late), stroke, and blood clots in the lungs. Hmmmm... The antibody drug (Bevacizumab) has an interesting medical issue for lung cancer patients: sudden and severe lung bleeding! WTF! The treatments are worse than the disease, but the idea is that if either drug works, it would extend my life expectancy by perhaps 2-3 years.

In case anyone is wondering, I'm leaning toward number 4, which would give me a life expectancy of approximately one year. Now, this is my decision to make and while I appreciate any advice that people want to give, understand that I will do what I feel is right for me. I'm going to take some time reviewing my options and the literature before I make my decision and no matter what I decide, I expect that my friends and family will respect my decision.

As for the breathing pain that brought me to the doctor's office in the first place, the oncologist thinks I probably had some mild irritation in the pleural cavity (pleurisy), which has since cleared up. That is normal for pleurisy.