2nd 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 26 - A Need to Improve...

Maybe it's time to go into countdown mode - 4 days left.  Day 26: "Write about an area in your life that you’d like to improve".  (Just one?)

Okay, this subject goes under the "no brainer" category. The area of my life which needs improvement is: learning to let go.

In every capacity of my life, I have never learned to let things go. It doesn't really matter what it is. Student grades, auditions from 10 years ago, past relationships, and a whole host of other subjects all have a tendency to sit in some corner of my brain and play havoc with my psyche.

Now by writing "learning to let go", I don't mean that I'm constantly hounding other people about these issues. I don't. Generally, they just take up way too much room in my head where I continue to obsess about them. I constantly revisit how I could have changed or improved the outcomes -- "if I had just said/done ______, then I could have fixed/changed/gotten ______".  Sometimes the weirdest subjects pop into my head and then I just contemplate over and over how things ended up and how they could have been different/better. I'm not just talking about the bad issues either. I revisit and reflect on every aspect of my life.

I'll give you an example: Yesterday morning, I had a committee meeting at school that went incredibly well. We got everything done on our list and were incredibly productive, but I spent most of yesterday afternoon going over the meeting in my head and wondering how it could have been improved, more efficient, and whether we made the right choices. See? That's just not very good use of my time, but I cannot help it.

Let's not even talk about the amount of time spent thinking about the things that have gone wrong in my life. Believe me, it's an inestimable amount of wasted time. I'm not certain how I can fix this aspect of my life. I've always been obsessive about things and let them wreak chaos in my mind. How do you just turn something like that off? I'm getting kind of tired of people telling to "just let that go". Don't you think I would if I could. I don't ask my mind to do this. <sigh> Maybe a lobotomy would help or ECT treatment? Yyyyyyeah, maybe not.

I know when you saw my subject-matter, you thought about the song from Frozen: "Let It Go". What? You didn't? You hate that song? Well, too bad. Don't listen to it then:

Tomorrow - day 27: "where I'm kicking ass". (This one is tougher.)

2nd 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 25 - Lawns

We're on the downward slide to the end. Day 25: "Think of any word. Search it on Google images. Write something inspired by the 11th image".

Interesting, yet weird. Okay, I could not think of a word. I drew a blank. Instead of thinking up a word, I grabbed the book I'm currently reading (The Art of Fielding), opened it to a random page, closed my eyes, and pointed: Lawns. The posted picture is the 11th image from Google Images: San Francisco Botanical Garden Lawn.

When I think of lawns, I think of my childhood. A good portion of my childhood was spent outside, playing in the yard. I wonder: do children still go out and play in the yard? Additionally, when I got a little older, I would help mow the lawn - loved the ride-on mower! Some of my best summer moments were playing in and mowing the yard.

But the picture that I found on Google Images does not remind me of childhood...at all! Granted when we lived in Pennsylvania, we had 2 acres of property but it didn't look at all like that picture. No, that picture reminds me more of NYC's Central Park - specifically the Great Lawn. I admit one of the things I miss about New York City (and there aren't that many) is Central Park. The perfect place to while away the hours is Central Park. There's just so much to do there: concerts on the Great Lawn, visiting the zoo, watching games at the baseball diamonds, riding the carousel, walking through the conservatory gardens, exploring the rambles, and so much more. Yes, New York is a concrete jungle but there's the perfect green oasis right the heart of this tiny, overcrowded, noisy, dirty city.

The posted image makes me want to go visit both NYC's Central Park and San Francisco's Botanical Garden. Ahhhh, if only...

Tomorrow, Day 26: "what I need to improve on".

2nd 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 24 - My Hard-Learned Lesson

Day 24: "Write about a lesson you’ve learned the hard way."

Oh, I have learned so many lessons in my time on the planet and most of them have been learned through pain. I certainly have learned not to take anything out of the oven without using potholders/oven mitts. Another painful lesson is to not trust anyone. Of course, never give your heart away is the hardest one that I learned.  But here's one that I never thought that I would need to learn:

Be a little more selfish

Okay, hear me out about this lesson. I know it sounds weird to actually learn what seems to be a negative thing, but I have a point. I have always put everyone else's needs above my own and by everyone, I mean EVERYONE! Family, friends, pets, students, strangers, stray animals, wild animals, the world, and goodness knows what else always take precedence over me. I learned this lesson at a very young age by living in a household filled with narcissists. You either join them or be the opposite. I chose to focus my life on not being a selfish person. For those who claim that I was selfish with the October 2010 event, I beg to differ. That specific event was about saving family, friends and the world from something that was unnecessary and expendable. It was, in my opinion, the most selfless thing I had ever attempted.

Putting others ahead of myself isn't a bad thing per se, but it does tend to create issues for me. I'm talking about medically and emotionally. Due to my belief that everyone and everything is more important than I am, I never really have taken good care of my health. My checkups are hit and miss and usually only go to the doctor when things have reached critical mass - example: endometrial cancer which could have been detected and perhaps not spread if I had bothered to actually take care of myself. I won't even discuss my terrible eating and exercise habits. And the couple of times that I actually did do something about taking care of myself through eating right and exercise, it was only because I was doing it at the behest of other people - not because of any personal desire.

The same issues arise when looking at my emotional needs -- which are rarely met. I'm too busy making sure that everyone else is doing okay that I don't stop to think about my own emotional welfare until that too reaches critical mass and I'm in an emotional meltdown. This problem is due to the fact that I don't reach out to others, because again, I'm not important enough for my needs to be met. I just push through and hope that the emotional issues will go away eventually.  <shug> C'est la vie!

Therefore, it occurred to me that if I had perhaps put myself first occasionally (not all the time, just once in awhile), I probably wouldn't have as many problems as I do. You see, I suspect that in addition to the Stage IV metastatic cancer, I have a couple of other medical things going on that I'm just choosing to ignore because it's just not important enough, which just goes to show: you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. While I have learned the lesson to be a little more selfish, I probably will never adhere to it.

Tomorrow is Day 25 which means: "inspiration through Google images".

2nd 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 23 - A Letter To...

We're winding down to the last week of this challenge with Day 23: "A letter to someone, anyone".

What a difficult decision to make. There are so many people I would like to write a letter to - from those that I know and miss to people I've never met. Or perhaps to someone who passed on from this life or to someone who is fictional. I really struggled making a decision on this task, but finally decided to write a letter to someone not living. I figure if I have something to say to the living, then I'll just say it to them. Therefore of all the people who have gone before or who are fictitious that I wanted to send a letter to, I narrowed the list down to five recipients. This is a list of people for whom I would dearly love to meet and speak with but alas cannot: Jane Austen, Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice (I know she's fiction, but I still have questions for her), Claude Monet, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and William Shakespeare. In order to narrow this list to one person, I went to the Wheel Decide website, put their names into the wheel and spun. Here's where the wheel landed:

Dear Herr Mozart,

First of all, I would like to thank you for giving the world your incredible music. In my opinion, you are hands down the best composer of all time. In a world that is oftentimes shitty and depressing, you remind us all that there is beauty and grace in a world gone crazy.

Mozart c.1780

Now to the questions. There was a play/movie (Amadeus) that was written by an English playwright Peter Shaffer based on your life and I wonder how much of it is accurate. By the way, I think you would have loved this testament to your life. I know that you and Salieri were contemporaries, but from what I've read, there was very little acrimony between the two of you. In truth, what did you think of Salieri and his music?

Vienna has been described by some as the center of music world when you lived there.  What was Vienna like? I have never traveled to Vienna (yet), but I would dearly love to know what 18th century Vienna was like.

Lastly, what do you think about the transformation of music over the past 223 years since your demise?  Music has changed dramatically and I would be interested in hearing your thoughts. I suspect that you would have embraced the changes.

I thank you again for sharing your music with the world and am saddened that you died as such a young age (35) because you had so much more to offer this world.

With much respect and admiration,

This is my favorite piece of music by Mozart: Concerto for Flute, Harp, and Orchestra in C major. I get goosebumps and weepy when I hear this piece of music.

Tomorrow is Day 24: "a lesson learned the hard way".

2nd 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 22 - 10 Random Songs

Woot, we've hit the topic that I've been wanting to do since I first read the list of challenges: "Put your music on shuffle and post the first ten songs."

This task is fantastic! With nearly 7000 songs on my iPod Touch, I cannot wait to see what will randomly come up. I've got nearly every genre of music on my Touch from classical music to pop to rock to electronica to Broadway to movie soundtracks and I don't know what else. I am certain there is music on my Touch that I've completely forgotten is on there. This list of songs could end up being the weirdest playlist ever.

Let's see what comes up when shuffling all this music...

1. "Air (Dublinesque)" from the Movin' Out soundtrack (Billy Joel and Twyla Tharp musical) (instrumental)
2. "You Got It" by Bonnie Raitt from Boys on the Side soundtrack (lyrics)
3. "In the Hall of the Mountain King" by Edvard Grieg from the album The 100 Greatest Classical Masterpieces of All Time (instrumental)
4. "New York State of Mind" by Billy Joel from the album Turnstiles (lyrics)
5. "A Better Place to Be" by Harry Chapin from the album Greatest Stories Live (lyrics)
6. "Boy from New York City" by The Flirtations from the album Live: Out on the Road (lyrics)
7. "Way Out West" sung by Judy Kaye from the musical Babes in Arms (lyrics)
8. "History Repeating" by Shirley Bassey from her Greatest Hits album (lyrics)
9. "Mad About You" by Belinda Carlisle from the album Belinda (lyrics)
10. "Why We Like Spelling" from the cast album of the musical The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (lyrics)

Yep, just what I figured, a really weird playlist, but filled with music that I love. I forgot how great Bonnie Raitt's cover of the Roy Orbison tune is and Harry Chapin has always been a favorite of mine. He was such a great storyteller and like so many musicians, he died way too young! Funny enough, this task gave me two more songs to add to my catharsis playlist so it was not a complete waste of 45 minutes or so of my life.

Coming tomorrow, Day 23: "A letter to someone, anyone" (Oh, boy, so many people to choose from!!)

2nd 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 21 - 3 Life Lessons

And now for day 21: "What three lesson do you want your children to learn from you?"

Erm... well, now here's the problem with today's challenge - I don't actually have any children. This question harkens back to a question I was asked a few millennia ago when I was an actor in NYC. I was performing in an Off-Broadway production of the rock musical, Hair. The cast was being interviewed as part of a public access talk show (yes, I had hit the 'big times'). The interviewer decided for some reason to ask me: "Would you have your children subscribe to the ideology of the hippie movement?" Why this guy decided to ask me this question still boggles my mind. I know I look a bit  like the "Earth Mother" type but that doesn't mean that I want to have children. So I had to respond honestly to the interviewer that I had no plans or interest in having children.  Probably not the best response - I have a much better answer today.

But I digress: I have lots of young adults in my life in the form of students, but I'm not sure that really qualifies me to give them "parental" advice. I'm uncertain that the advice that I give my students would be the same advice that I would impart to my child...you know, if I had one. 

Well, I'm going to do my best.  Below are the three lessons that I have picked up in my time on this Earth that I would impart to any child:

Question everything

Don't take everything that people tell you at face value, particularly if it's coming from politicians, religious leaders, or medical professionals. They're just as imperfect and fallible as everyone so be sure to ask questions and make decisions based on evidence and common sense. Be a critical thinker.

Be honest

Being dishonest with others and ourselves is sometimes easier than telling the truth. Even though it might seem like it makes life easier, ultimately all that dishonestly will come back to bite you in the arse and is often painful to the recipient of the lies once the truth comes out. Also, keeping track of the falsehoods is really difficult. Just suck it up and tell the truth. But remember to exercise tact with your honestly. It's not necessary to be cruel, but honesty really is the best policy.

Avoid being judgmental

Instead of judging someone for what they've done or how they look, try instead to understand the person. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine their background. If possible, talk to them. Find out their backstory. Everyone has one. If not, try to imagine the circumstances that might have led to the person acting or looking like they do. Then, once you begin to understand, or at least think you kind of understand, try to accept. Accept that person for who they are, without trying to change them.

To sum up: be an honest, open-minded person who has a healthy dose of skepticism. In the words of Walt Whitman:

Tomorrow: Day 22 - 10 Random Songs (I've been looking forward to this one!)

2nd 30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 20 - 3 Celebrity Crushes

We're inching toward the finish line with Day 20: "Post about three celebrity crushes".

Oh, my goodness.  Where do I start with this challenge. Do I mention the ones from my childhood? Or should I strictly focus on the ones that I currently have crushes on? Or perhaps my longest lasting crushes? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Celebrities that I crushed on when I was young (18 and younger): Donny Osmond (which I mentioned the other day), Parker Stevenson, Paul Michael Glaser, Harrison Ford, Mickey Dolenz. As I aged, I became enamored with Kenneth Branagh, Colin Firth, Hugh Jackman, Emma Thompson, Ralph Fiennes, Princess Diana, Mandy Patinkin, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Some of the ones that I currently am fond of (in addition to the previous list): Benedict Cumberbatch, David Tennant, Matthew Macfadyen. (I'm certain I'm missing a few.) How do I narrow this list down to a mere 3 celebs?

Okay, I'm going to go with the three celebrities that if I were to meet before I die, I would die a happy gal. I mentioned all three in my post, What I Won't and Will Miss (Plus My Regrets), as one of my regrets:

Kenneth Branagh

In my humble opinion, I think Kenneth is one of the most talented performers to ever grace the screen. Born in Northern Ireland, Ken has performed Shakespeare, dramas, comedies, musicals, voice overs. He's played the good guy, the romantic lead, the bad guy, and everything in between and always brilliantly. He is certainly the best Shakespearean actor that has ever lived. The first time I saw Ken in Dead Again (1991), I thought "who is this amazing actor?" I made it my business to watch everything he ever did. My all-time favorite movie is probably Much Ado About Nothing (1993), but I could watch/listen to Ken read the phone book and I'd be enthralled. He's been nominated for numerous awards, but has not won nearly enough in my opinion. Other favorite Branagh works: Othello (1995), Hamlet (1996), Conspiracy (2001 (Emmy award)), Shackleton (2002), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) portraying Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, and the television series, Wallander (2008-2012).

Colin Firth

Ahhhhh, Mr. Darcy! Okay, it certainly helped that Colin played my favorite literary character and played him perfectly, but that's not the only reason that Colin is in my top 3 of celeb crushes. This distinguished English man is another incredibly talented actor who has performed in a wide variety of projects: comedies, dramas, musicals - portraying romantic leads, villains, and comedic relief. While Pride and Prejudice (1995) will always be my favorite Colin Firth movie, he was brilliant in so many others: Shakespeare in Love (1998), Conspiracy (2001 (Emmy nom)), Nanny McPhee (2005), Bridget Jones's Diary (2001), and so many more! Of course, his most brilliant performance was portraying Prince Albert, Duke of York/King George VI in The King's Speech (2010), which earned him much acclaim and awards (Oscar, BAFTA, Golden Globe and SAG awards). Okay, if Ken is reading the phone book, I'll allow Colin to read the encyclopedia to me.

Ralph Fiennes

Quelle surprise - another handsome British actor!  Yeah, okay, I have a certain "type" that I find attractive. Ralph is also another actor that is quite versatile in his portrayals. Evil to romantic to campy nostalgia, Ralph has done it all. While I love his Oscar nominated performance in The English Patient (1996), I will say it is not my favorite of his movies. Not that he wasn't brilliant in the film, he certainly was, but there are other movies that I love better. His performance as the amoral Nazi concentration commandant in Schindler's List (1993) was frightening but brilliant. But perhaps my favorite Ralph Fiennes film is Quiz Show (1994). In 2006, I was fortunate enough to be able to see Mr. Fiennes perform on the New York stage in Brian Friel's play, Faith Healer and it was a riveting performance. Some other favorite Ralph Fiennes movies: The End of the Affair (1999), In Bruges (2008), The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014), plus all the Harry Potter movies where he portrayed the über-evil villain, Lord Voldemort. Okay, Ken is reading the phone book and Colin is reading the encyclopedia, so Ralph can read the dictionary to me.

There you have it - 3 of my celebrity crushes. Anyone know them?

Tomorrow, Day 21: 3 lesson my children (?) should learn from me (erm...hmmm...)