I need to get something off my chest. When I was growing up, I had a certain mindset of what my adult life might be. It was a fairly simple dream. The dream life was: I'd have a career I loved, a spouse who adored me, a kid or two on whom I could dote, I'd live to a ripe old age surrounded by family and friends, and (hopefully) die peacefully in my sleep. How did my life go horribly wrong?
I don't usually give into self pity and sadness about my circumstances, but there are times that the direction my life has taken sends me down a negative path and I'm overwhelmed by the misery of it all. Of my imagined life, I was lucky to have a career that I adored - two in fact.
My performing career was a failure, but hugely fun. My teaching career
was moderately successful and I loved being a teacher, but my time teaching was cut
painfully short. I've only known persistent heartache when it comes to
love. No children, which in hindsight is probably for the best. No ripe
old age for me, but I do have family and friends who love and support me. Definitely no dying peacefully in my sleep.
I didn't quite get my dream life, but added to not quite getting everything - I got a whole boat load of crap. Last night, as I lay in bed in excruciating pain - waiting for the meds to kick in, I was struck by how truly fucked up my life is. All I kept thinking is "why is everything so difficult? Life should not be this hard." It seems like I've had more than my fair share of problems in life. And yet, jackasses like Mel Gibson seem to just cruise through life.
Many of my friends, relatives, and students have crowned me with roses and think that I'm some sort of heroine with how I've been dealing with my cancer. But all I can think about is: how the hell am I going to get through the next few months of my life with grace and dignity? How do I avoid sinking further into a hole and not spend my time wallowing in self misery? Why can't life just be easier and not such a shit show?
Okay, time to get off the pity pot. This life is the only one I have and I must take what's dealt to me.
Okay, time to get off the pity pot. This life is the only one I have and I must take what's dealt to me.
16 comments:
Yeah, Mel Gibson is a jackass. To look at the sunny side of this, you're not Mel Gibson. That's got to be worth something to you.
Remember although your careers, love, health etc have not been what you expected you have done and are doing amazing things. Think you have been teaching your whole life. I know you are just down and hell I have those feelings about my life too. Bet everyone does. Except maybe Mel Gibson! Wish the pain could be managed more efficiently. Telling you see if you csn get an RX for pot.
You know if life had gone the way you pictured who knows how that would have turned out. We know and can control nothing.
Sending you love.
Thanks, Heather. Sadly, PA is not a medical marijuana state. I hate smoking pot anyway. I've got a script for a pain patch but it's taking time for the pharmacy to get it in stock. I'm hoping it'll be better than the pills. Love you!
Mom liked the patches better than the pills. Sending you much love, kisses & hugs xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxpxoxoxoxoxox (slipped you a little tongue in there too). Love you, honey!
Oooooh, that's hot!! Love you too, sweetums.
The patches will be better....hope you get them soon! I love you Sandi...and ♡although life can be a royal shit fest at times.... it does have some highlights.... so thankful for our memories!!
Brownies Sandi. Silly PA.
Hope the pain patch works. Love you for sharing all you are going and been through. Hugs
Mmmmmm...brownies!!!! Yeah, I figured I have to share the good and the bad. xoxo
I hate that you are in pain physically and emotionally. None of us get the life we wanted. Not even Mel Gibson. Having you in my life has enriched it more than you know. I know that there are a lot of others who would say the same. So hang in there, wait for the pain patch and keep beating me at Trivia Crack! 💕
You absolutely have the right to be upset, devastated, etc., with the way your life is right now. I can't imagine the pain and heartache you are dealing with. I am glad, however, that you DO have the incredible strength to be upbeat the majority of the time. Hopefully knowing that you have so many of us in your corner, praying and rooting for you helps you during the inevitable dark times!! Try to stay strong and praying your pain is better managed ASAP!! Xoxo.
Thanks, Janine. xoxoxo
BROWNIES! xoxoxo Sending love...
Hang in there Cuz-hoping and praying for pain relief and peace for you. You are stronger than you think-stay strong. Love you!!!
Try and stay strong Sandi. I hope you get some relief soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love you!! <3
Love you guys too!!!
Your last paragraph resonated with me.
You said:
"Many of my friends... think that I'm some sort of heroine with how I've been dealing with my cancer. But all I can think about is: how the hell am I going to get through the next few months of my life with grace and dignity?"
YOU are a heroine without even trying. YOU embody grace and dignity without trying. You don't need to put on some act or brave face....we already see it in YOU. Being YOURSELF is more than enough. You carry more strength, greatness, and respectability everyday than so many people (definitely more than Mel Gibson!!!) Much love to you :)
Can't wait to see you soon!!!!! :)
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