What Do You Do "When Friendship Hurts"?

In life, everyone has been hurt by someone they care about  - whether it's a parent who was disappointed that you didn't bring home an "A" even though you worked your hardest, or a spouse who makes a hurtful comment about something you accidentally did, or friends who hurt you for whatever reason. Yes, we've all been hurt and, most times, we can overlook these hurts and move on. But what do you do when you cannot for a multitude of reasons move past specific hurts; when "forgive and forget" just doesn't work. That's been my dilemma over the past couple of years. After trying everything in my arsenal to move past these feelings, I finally decided to try a self-help book.  Ordinarily, I eschew the annoyingly abundant amount of pop psychobabble books that are available, but today as I was meandering through the self-help section of the library, I came across When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You (2002) by Jan Yager, Ph.D. The title intrigued me enough to bring it home to see if it might have some useful information for dealing with my issues.

Synopsis: "We've all had friendships that have gone bad. Whether it takes the form of a simple yet inexplicable estrangement or a devastating betrayal, a failed friendship can make your life miserable, threaten your success at work or school, and even undermine your romantic relationships.

Finally there is help. In When Friendship Hurts, Jan Yager, recognized internationally as a leading expert on friendship, explores what causes friendships to falter and explains how to mend them -- or end them. In this straightforward, illuminating book filled with dozens of quizzes and real-life examples, Yager covers all the bases...

The first highly prescriptive book to focus on the complexities of friendship, When Friendship Hurts demonstrates how, why, and when to let go of bad friends and how to develop the positive friendships that enrich our lives on every level. For everyone who has ever wondered about friends who betray, hurt, or reject them, this authoritative book provides invaluable insights and advice to resolve the problem once and for all."  (from the book jacket)

Review: There's a reason that I avoid pop psychobabble books - they usually are incredibly useless. This book is no different and annoyed me on many levels. It's nice that Ms. Yager has a Ph.D. and people write her letters, but I don't care about that. I'm looking for useful advice on how to manage when people claiming to be "friends" have betrayed, lied, hurt you, and then walked away. She did not provide that. In fact, she dedicates exactly 1.5 pages (out of 184) on coping with a failed friendship. Mostly, this book is about how to recognize what a friend is and the types of personalities out there. Yeah, okay, nice but not exactly helpful or what the title of the book suggests it covers. What annoyed me most, and even offended me, is that this book states that you cannot be a good friend if you have psychological problems, and/or had a less than perfect childhood, which approximately 6 people in the world fit that category.

There was one interesting tidbit in this book, which regarded a friendship survey of 180 people. 68% of the respondents answered "yes" to the question "Has a casual, close, or best friend ever betrayed you?" That is not a surprising number, merely interesting. If my life is anything to go by, it's a remarkably low number.

My hunt for how to come to terms with the betrayal of friends and the subsequent loss of those friendships continues. I certainly did not get any answers from this book.  Fortunately, I didn't spend too much time reading this junk. My advice: do not waste your time or money on this book.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars