My Final Blog Post

If you're reading this post, then I've moved onto my next adventure. (C'mon zoo polar bear!!!) This will be my last chance to say

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Hi, again. Tom here. She started this about a month ago and didn't get too far. If we were Hindu I'd believe this would be a step up from being a human, I think. As we are Atheists, we're accepting that we are going to take whatever we get and be glad and thankful for it. This doesn't mean that we won't grumble about it a bit and make snide and snarky remarks about it. That is the perogative of a non-believer when they're wrong. However, this time, I don't think so. So, inspite of our non-beliefs, I'm hoping zoo polar bear too. I can always visit her and talk to her and tell her about what's going on in the outside world and how terribly boring and empty it is without her. Thank you all for the many years and many posts that you've all read, followed and commented on. She really, really appreciated it. As she told me, this will be her legacy. But we all will be the couriers to carry her memory ever onward.

Sandra J Smith
2/5/1966 - 6/28/2015
Rest in Peace, My Sweet Sister.

A New (and Sadly Final) Road Trip to Massachusetts Cut Way Too Short

If you remember correctly, my last posting indicated that now that my pain is in a controllable state that I'd start hitting the road again. I had planned a long weekend in Massachusetts and was looking forward to this trip for weeks. But as the old Biblical adage says: "The spirit is willing but the body is weak" (Matthew 26:41).  It's not often you find me quoting this work of fiction but it seemed relevant.

I started out for Massachusetts on Thursday for a 5 day long weekend. The most important part of this visit was seeing my rock star students. I've been getting messages for months about when I would be back for a promised visit and I knew I just couldn't disappoint my cherubs, so in discussions with my former principal, we decided the last day of school would be the optimal day. This way there wouldn't be any disruption to their studies. But how do you make sure that students show up on that last day -- my kiddos are notorious about blowing off the final day of school.  Simply enough, a few days before you spread the rumor that Ms. Smith will be coming to visit on that day. Instead of 4 or 5 students showing, we had a dozens. It warmed my heart.

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Hello all. This is Sandi's brother Tom. The above was the last blog she completed. She came home Saturday extremely ill and yet she managed to start this blog. I believe she may have had more to say, but I believe you get the gist. She loved her kids and was ecstatic to see the turnout. However, I believe the trip and the excitement in her frail condition may have took a toll on her. But deep down, I think she knew. She piloted this cancer from the start. She was not going to let this cancer dictate or control her life. I'm proud of her. She was one of a kind and I'll miss her til the end of my days. There will be one more post after this one. I'll polish that one up and post soon.

The Much Ado About Nothing Cancer Update...

This morning, I had a message from a friend stating that she hadn't seen any updates from me in awhile and asking how I was fairing. It occurred to me that I should probably update people even when there is not much to update on the cancer front. 

Here's the latest:

Mostly my life is about pain management. My doctor has put me on a pain patch (Fentanyl) which slowly releases opiates into my system. The patch gets changed out every 3 days and for the most part is keeping my pain at a reasonable level. In no way am I pain free, but most days it's at a level that I can manage. For the days when the pain exceeds manageable levels, I have Tylenol or Aleve for when the pain becomes a nuisance and Percocet for when the pain is off the charts, which fortunately doesn't happen that often.

My biggest issues these days are motivation and exhaustion. Because my pain is fairly well managed, I could be spending my time traveling and sightseeing, but I'm having issues with motivation. Getting my butt up and out of the house is proving to be a difficulty that I hadn't counted on. Additionally, I get tired very easily. My days go something like this: wake up, watch The Today Show, read, nap, read some more, nap, watch Judge Judy. Or perhaps: wake up, watch The Today Show, watch a movie, nap, watch another movie, nap, watch Judge Judy, etc. It's quite tedious and boring, but it's what my life has become. I hope that eventually I'll get my energy and motivation back.

I have a planned trip to Massachusetts for a long weekend which will happen in a little more than a week, where I will visit with my students and see some friends. I'm hoping that perhaps that will be the kickstart that will get my motivation revved up and get me back on the road again.

That's it for the Much Ado update.

What's a Foodie to Do?!

I've admitted to this before: I am a foodie. A foodie is "a gourmet, or a person who has an ardent or refined interest in food and alcoholic beverages. A foodie seeks new food experiences as a hobby rather than simply eating out of convenience or hunger" (Wikipedia). I love food. I love eating food. I love discovering different foods. I'm less interested in alcoholic beverages, but I've been known to imbibe a beverage or two in the past.

When I learned that my life span was being cut severely and that I had approximately a year to live, I decided to hell with "healthy" eating habits. I was going to eat what I want, when I want. It was a decision that played out well over the first few months. Traveling through Europe was a gastronomic delight! I experimented eating all the local foods: haggis, black and white pudding, a redonkulous amount of roasted pork (thank you, Germany, Czech Republic and Austria), and such. Did I care that the apfelstrudel I had in Austria was 500 calories a serving? Nope! Did I scarf down an entire plates of pasta in Italy? You betcha! I did skip the escargot in Paris because...well...yuck!! I even designed My Last Supper. I figured if I had to go, I'd go out with a gastronomic bang!

And then came the abdominal pain -- a foodie's worst nightmare! You see, I had developed a growth in my upper abdomen which is apparently sitting on a nerve which causes me to have unrelenting stomach pain. As a consequence, eating has become less fun. I now "eat to live" instead of "living to eat." I'm finding this turn of events truly saddening. After all, I don't have many things that I can enjoy about life right now. Food, books, movies, and friends and family are the extent of my world and now I've lost the joy of one. I now have to eat several small meals throughout the day and most of these meals are either of the liquid variety (protein shakes) or bland and boring. Anything more than that and I've got tummy troubles. In addition, my taste buds are all messed up right now so everything (even water) tastes terrible.

So I return to my original question: what's a foodie to do? Will I ever be able to have my dream Last Supper?? If I do decide to have my Last Supper, it'll have to be spread out over several days. Anyone have any suggestions? I'm open for any type of advice.

If I haven't said it lately, having cancer sucks! I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy...well, maybe my worst enemy I would but certainly no one else.

Beef Wellington...yum!

Never Speak Ill of the Dead???

It's been three weeks since I last posted. Wow. Probably my longest dry spell. But it's hard to feel motivated while lying on your brother's couch feeling like shite! Hopefully, now that I'm feeling a wee bit better these days, I'll have more motivation and can get back on track with my observations.

Here's today observation:

Everyone's heard that old aphorism "never speak ill of the dead" (De mortuis nil nisi bonum) and I've always wondered why that is. I get that it's socially inappropriate to speak ill of the dead, but what if the person who dies is an asshole??

What brought this thought on was a posting on Facebook. A friend and one-time colleague had posted about the passing of a colleague from one of the law firms for which I once worked. As I said to another friend/colleague, I wasn't terribly torn up over this person's death because quite frankly, I didn't like the man. He and I often butted heads and I thought he was an arrogant prick. So now that he's dead, I'm suddenly suppose to feel like he was a great guy for whom this is a tragic loss. Ummmm, no. Sorry, I cannot do it. It goes against my basic belief about honesty in all things.

I'm quite certain that when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil in a few months, there were be plenty of people who will speak ill of me - that I was a bitch or they disliked me or whatever. Trust me, I do not expect to be canonized for sainthood. And I certainly do not want someone for whom I dislike to suddenly espouse my greatness.  That's being disingenuous.

Now, I'm not saying everyone should go around bashing those who have passed on before us, but neither do we need to root around in our heads and hearts to find something nice to say about people about whom we didn't care.

I will put this on record right here and now. For all those people who dislike me, feel free to say whatever you wish upon my demise. I promise that neither I nor my family will hold it against you. After all, I'll be dead and won't care. I won't even haunt you. Okay?

It's all about keeping it real, people!

Weirdest National Anthems...

Last night, while waiting for the Yankees-Mets game to start, I watched the pre-game activities, which included a beautifully rendered version of our national anthem, sung by Glee star and Broadway performer Matthew Morrison. I'm always impressed whenever performers nail our national anthem, because let's face it, it's not an easy song to sing. Of course, there are the notoriously bad versions of the Star Spangled Banner (i.e., Roseanne Barr, Christina Aguilera, and others). Due to the difficulty of our national anthem, I'm all for the proposal of changing our national anthem. Why? Well, other than the Star Speckled Banana being difficult to sing, the lyrics are all about bombs and war and bloodshed -- and not in a good way. I'd recommend "America, the Beautiful".

Every country has their own national anthem and, for the most part, none of us know any of their songs. I know the British national anthem - "God Save the King/Queen", but that's about it. During the Olympics, we often hear other nations' anthems, but we only hear the instrumental version. Of course, even if we heard the lyrics, as only a handful of songs are in English, we still would have no idea what they say because the songs are sung in the native language of the country.

So, I wondered - are there national anthem that are worse than our? I suspected there might be.

Algeria: "Qassaman"/"We Pledge"

Though it pre-dates both heavy metal and rap by several decades, the Algerian national anthem's lyrics expertly incorporate the prominent cornerstones of both genres' most violent moments. Destructive lightning? Check. Gratuitous bloodshed? Check. Machine guns? Check. Being held down by the man? Word up, son.

The lyrics, written in 1956 by Moufdi Zakaria, are about two "hos" shy of being a Lil' Wayne single. At the time of the writing, Zakaria was being held captive in Algiers by French colonial forces. Realizing that it was, in fact, France that was holding him and his country down, he spent his downtime penning a tune about the ass whooping his fellow countrymen would surely be dishing out sometime in the near future.

Disturbing Lyrics:
"We swear by the lightning that destroys, By the streams of generous blood being shed."

"When we spoke, none listened to us, So we have taken the noise of gunpowder as our rhythm, And the sound of machine guns as our melody."

Italy: "Il Canto degli Italiani"/"The Song of the Italians"

Throughout the majority of the Italian national anthem, things sound pretty bleak. Heck, the main line in the chorus is "we are ready to die!" But Goffredo Mameli, the 20 year old poet who wrote the lyrics, clearly understood that one can only be down for so long.

Like most good national anthems, this one was written in the shadow of a looming war for independence, this time with Austria. Listening to the first few verses, you would think Mameli thought independence was a lost cause. But then, the final verse rolls around and Mameli goes from defeated poet to a Nostradamus-like teller of fortunes.

On an unrelated note, can you imagine what state our collective national anthems would be in if written by the 20-year olds of today? Booty booty booty booty bursting everywhere!

Disturbing Lyrics:
"Mercenary swords, they're feeble reeds. The Austrian eagle has already lost its plumes. The blood of Italy and the Polish blood it drank, along with the Cossack. But it burned its heart."

Hungary: "Himnusz"/"Hymn"

Unlike most of the other anthems on this list, Hungary's really has no cause to be as violent as it is. There was no war for independence on the horizon. No foreign invader was occupying their homeland. Basically, a whole bunch of nothing was going on. It would appear that overall, Hungary is just such a shitty place to live that some dude decided to ask God to help him out.

That's right, this anthem is written as a direct address to God. Most national anthems implore the citizens of their grand country to take up arms and fight against oppression, transgression, whatever. "Himnusz" is having no part of that. Really, it's a bit unclear what the problem was at all. But whatever was up their ass, it apparently required divine intervention. It's basically the national anthem equivalent of what an unemployed, alcoholic friend might call and moan to you at 2:30 in the morning.

Disturbing Lyrics:
"No freedom's flowers return, from the spilt blood of the dead, and the tears of slavery burn, which the eyes of orphans shed."

Turkey: "İstiklal Marşı"/"Independence March"

Another anthem, another fight for independence. Noting that Turkish fighters were having a fair amount of success defending themselves against European invaders, it was decided that a motivational song to spur them onto victory and celebrate their inevitable success was in order. Basically, Independence March was the Super Bowl Shuffle of its day.

The lyrics focus mainly on how unbelievably awesome it would be to die for your country. We would prefer to, you know, defend our country while at the same time remaining alive. Silly us!

Disturbing Lyrics:
"I'm like the roaring flood; powerful and independent, I'll tear apart mountains, exceed the heavens and still gush out!"

"Render your chest as armor and your body as trench!"

"For only then, shall my fatigued tombstone, if there is one, prostrate a thousand times in ecstasy, and tears of fiery blood shall flow out of my every wound, and my lifeless body shall gush out from the earth like an eternal spirit."

France: "Le Marseillaise"/"The Song of Marseille"

"La Marseillaise" was written in April of 1792 by Claude-Joseph Rouget de Lisle in the midst of the French Revolution. It was originally called "Chant de guerre de l'armee du Rhin" ("War Song of the Army of the Rhine") but the name was later changed due to the song's popularity with volunteers on the streets of Marseilles. And, presumably, because "Chant de guerre de l'armee du Rhin" is a pretty goddamned long name for a song.

Depending on where you're reading it, the translation of the lyrics varies. But hey, you say a tainted blood irrigates your furrow, we say their impure blood should water our fields. To-mae-to, to-mah-to. Whichever you prefer, somebody's getting fucked up.

Disturbing Lyrics:
"The bloody flag is raised, the bloody flag is raised."

"Do you hear in the countryside, the roar of these savage soldiers, they come right into our arms, to cut the throats of your sons!"

"May a tainted blood irrigate our furrows!"

Vietnam: "Tien Quan Ca"/"Army March"

Anyone who didn't see trouble coming when we went to war with Vietnam had clearly never taken a gander at their national anthem. If they had, they would have seen that this is a country that does not take war lightly. Most of the other anthems on this list mix in a little bit of talk about peace, national pride or whatever else. The blood and guts talk just finds its way into a verse or two at random. Vietnam's anthem, on the other hand, is all war, all the time.

The lyrics start with the line "armies of Vietnam, forward!" And guess what? They mean it! There's blood on the flag! Guns are rumbling! Bases are being built! There are chains to be broken!

Vietnam's national anthem kicks more ass in two short verses than most countries do in a lifetime.

Disturbing Lyrics:
"Our flag, red with the blood of victory, bears the spirit of the country."

"The distant rumbling of the guns mingles with our marching song."

"The path to glory is built by the bodies of our foes."

"For too long have we swallowed our hatred. Be ready for all sacrifices."

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After checking out some other national anthems, I suppose I can't complain too much about our national anthem. What do you think about our national anthem?

Not the Life I Imagined...

I need to get something off my chest. When I was growing up, I had a certain mindset of what my adult life might be. It was a fairly simple dream. The dream life was: I'd have a career I loved, a spouse who adored me, a kid or two on whom I could dote, I'd live to a ripe old age surrounded by family and friends, and (hopefully) die peacefully in my sleep. How did my life go horribly wrong?

I don't usually give into self pity and sadness about my circumstances, but there are times that the direction my life has taken sends me down a negative path and I'm overwhelmed by the misery of it all. Of my imagined life, I was lucky to have a career that I adored - two in fact. My performing career was a failure, but hugely fun. My teaching career was moderately successful and I loved being a teacher, but my time teaching was cut painfully short. I've only known persistent heartache when it comes to love. No children, which in hindsight is probably for the best. No ripe old age for me, but I do have family and friends who love and support me. Definitely no dying peacefully in my sleep.

I didn't quite get my dream life, but added to not quite getting everything - I got a whole boat load of crap. Last night, as I lay in bed in excruciating pain - waiting for the meds to kick in, I was struck by how truly fucked up my life is. All I kept thinking is "why is everything so difficult? Life should not be this hard." It seems like I've had more than my fair share of problems in life. And yet, jackasses like Mel Gibson seem to just cruise through life.

Many of my friends, relatives, and students have crowned me with roses and think that I'm some sort of heroine with how I've been dealing with my cancer. But all I can think about is: how the hell am I going to get through the next few months of my life with grace and dignity? How do I avoid sinking further into a hole and not spend my time wallowing in self misery? Why can't life just be easier and not such a shit show?

Okay, time to get off the pity pot. This life is the only one I have and I must take what's dealt to me.